


the sweetest little sting

by totheflame



Category: The Haunting of Bly Manor (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Oblivious Gay Pining, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:00:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 75,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28844979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/totheflame/pseuds/totheflame
Summary: “Can I tell you a secret?""I'm good with secrets. Part of the bartenders code and all that."Dani smiles, eyes flitting up to Jamie’s. “I’m kind of glad I came to the wrong bar. I really wasn't in the mood to meet some random guy my friends think might be a good fit for me.""Bad taste?" Jamie asks"I hope not. They're friends with me, after all.""Not a good sign, in my opinion."Dani laughs, throwing her head back, and Jamie is determined to make that happen again as many times as she can before the night is over./Or: Jamie works at a dive bar in New York, Dani wanders in one night on accident, a slow burn ensues.
Relationships: Dani Clayton/Jamie
Comments: 433
Kudos: 691





	1. Chapter 1

Jamie never imagined herself living in New York City. There's not enough life here, for a city of millions of people. Too little green, too much concrete. Too much hassle, too many bodies trying to get somewhere too fast. Too much noise.

In fact, Jamie hated New York the first few months she lived here.

But she found that it has its perks. There's the coffee shop around the corner that has a half-decent cup of tea. There's her flat, small and cramped but full to the brim with plants.

And she loves her job. Most nights, anyway.

"Okay, Larry, that's enough."

The old man sitting in front of her grumbles, clutching at his glass. "One more, one more."

She doesn't charge him for his drinks, so she doesn't feel bad when she only puts half an ounce of liquor in his glass, filling the rest with soda water.

She started work as a bartender when she first arrived in the city. The job was only to pay the bills, but she quickly found herself enjoying it. It keeps her busy, pays her rent, and most importantly keeps her out of trouble.

The Manor is empty most nights, with just Larry to keep her company.

Except that night, the door opens, letting a cold rush of air.

That night, everything changes.

Jamie can see in the dimly lit bar that the woman is blonde and young – not their usual clientele by a long shot. Jamie wonders if she's lost, but she walks over and takes a seat at the bar, just one stool over from Larry.

"Hi," the woman says. Her voice is breathy, sweet, with a smile to match.

"Can I get you anything?" Jamie asks.

"No, no, I'm just – I'm waiting for someone, actually."

The woman shivers, a bit of snow still sitting on her shoulders. It's the first of the season, and this woman seems to have been caught off guard, not wearing a winter coat or even a proper jumper.

"Tea?" Jamie offers. "Warm you up. It's on me."

She's not sure why she offers it, but she's glad she did when she's rewarded with a bright smile.

“A tea sounds wonderful."

Jamie walks into the back where they keep the coffee machine and kettles. She wishes they had a better selection, but they only have the tea on hand for the occasional hot toddy. She plops the bag into the wide-mouthed mug as she waits for the water to boil.

When she gets back out to the bar, the woman is talking to Larry.

"Ask me anything," Larry is offering her, but he doesn't wait for the woman to answer. "What year was Bogart born?"

"Um..." the woman hesitates. "I have no idea."

"Oi, Larry – we've talked bout this," Jamie says, placing the cup of tea in front of the woman. "Stop harassing my customers."

"She wants to know!"

The woman, for her part, looks charmed. "Sure I do."

Larry sways a little on his stool. Jamie pours him a glass of water, knowing he won't drink it.

"1899. I'll bet you a hundred dollars, it was 1899. What was his first movie?" Larry asks.

The woman tilts her head. "I don't know." She looks over at Jamie, blue eyes sparkling. "Do you?"

"He's asked me enough times, but fuck if I remember," Jamie says.

"Up the River," Larry answers.

Jamie shrugs. "Never heard of it."

"You have!" Larry shouts back at her. "I've told you – John Ford. John Ford... Grapes of Wrath..."

"Think it's about time you found a bed, Larry," Jamie tells him, knowing that when he starts listing off long-dead directors and their movies that they've hit the point of no return.

Larry nods, liver-spotted hands reaching for his cane. "I'll settle up tomorrow," he tells her, even though they both know that's not going to happen.

"It was good meeting you," the woman says to his back as he leaves. He raises a hand, not turning around on his way out the door. She looks over to Jamie. "He seems... nice."

"Well, he's here just about every night, if you ever want to know what year James Stewart was born or when Audrey Hepburn got divorced.”

"I'm Dani, by the way."

"Jamie," says Jamie.

"So, Jamie... where's that accent from?"

Jamie tilts her head with a smile. "Guess."

"England."

"Too easy. Be more specific."

"Hm... the North?”

"Good guess."

Dani laughs. "After I graduated I spent some time 'across the pond.'"

She says the words with a terrible accent, and Jamie snorts. "You sure about that?"

Dani nods, Jamie's joke soaring past her. "I was an au pair for the summer."

"A real life Mary Poppins, hm?”

"I loved it. They were great kids."

"Then why'd you come back?" Jamie doesn't usually carry conversations on for this long, but she there's no one else at the bar right now and something about Dani is intriguing.

"My, uh – my ex, he didn't like me being away from him for too long."

"Sounds like a peach."

"You don't know the half of it," Dani says. "I think I might take you up on that drink, actually."

"Pick your poison, Poppins.”

Jamie returns a minute later with her drink. Dani is checking her watch, frowning. "Do you have a phone? I'm supposed to be meeting someone."

"You mentioned," Jamie says. "Hot date?"

Dani shrugs. "I don't know. Haven't met him yet."

"Wow, going in blind. I didn't know people actually did that."

"It's my first time," Dani says. "And so far I'd say it's not going very well."

"Ouch," Jamie says. "Bad bartender?"

"That - and I'm pretty sure I'm being stood up. About that phone..."

Jamie points her towards the back hall, where there's a phone on the wall halfway to the kitchen.

When Dani returns, she's laughing to herself. She shakes her head as she sits down at the bar. "You're not going to believe this."

"Try me."

"I'm at the wrong bar!"

Jamie wondered if Dani was lost when she first walked in, but she’d seemed so confident as she sat down at her bar that Jamie assumed she was right where she was meant to be. She tries to squash her disappointment, knowing that this means that Dani is probably about to leave and Jamie will have to spend the rest of the night tending to a dreadfully dead bar.

“That makes sense. This isn't exactly the city's hottest date spot. I'd be a bit concerned for your night if your date had this place picked out."

Dani shrugs. "Night’s going just fine, if you ask me."

Jamie holds her gaze, unsure of what to say. It's bolder than she’s used to, borderline flirtatious almost.

Dani bites her lip, looking down. "Anyway, we rescheduled.” She picks up her drink, looking into it as she swirls the ice around in the glass. “Can I tell you a secret?"

"I'm good with secrets. Part of the bartenders code and all that.”

Dani smiles, eyes flitting up to Jamie’s. “I’m kind of glad I came to the wrong bar. I really wasn't in the mood to meet some random guy my friends think might be a good fit for me."

"Bad taste?" Jamie asks.

"I hope not. They're friends with me, after all."

"Not a good sign, in my opinion."

Dani laughs, throwing her head back, and Jamie is determined to make that happen again as many times as she can before the night is over.

* * *

Dani is back the next Friday.

This time, her date shows up. He's there before her, actually, and Jamie dislikes him from the moment he sits at the bar.

Something about him is off.

It's not his looks. He's handsome, or cute, maybe – Jamie has trouble telling with men sometimes. A confident smile, sharp eyes, square jaw. His suit looks tailored, and his watch looks like it cost more than Jamie's car.

Lawyer, Jamie thinks. Or stock broker. She's lived in New York long enough to know the look.

“Bourbon. Neat." He doesn't look at Jamie as he tells her his order, and she's glad he's not watching as she rolls her eyes. He doesn't thank her when she brings it over.

"Jamie, hey!" Dani gets her attention as soon as she walks in the bar.

"If it isn't Mary Poppins," Jamie says, smiling back at her. She didn't think Dani would be coming back to the Manor.

"I was hoping you'd be working tonight."

The man in the expensive watch notices her just then. He flashes Dani a smile that's meant to be charming. "I was wondering why you'd want to meet up in a place like this," he says. "Dani, right?"

Jamie remembers Dani’s rescheduled date, and her mood immediately sours.

"You must be Peter," Dani says, sticking out her hand. He takes it, but doesn't shake, just holds it for a second. Jamie is uncomfortable at the sight of it, but Dani's smile doesn't falter.

"You're even more beautiful than Henry described," Peter says. Dani doesn't blush, just presses her mouth into a thin smile and thanks him.

Jamie cringes as she listens to their conversation. Dani, bless her, somehow manages to carry the whole thing, steering Peter away from talking about himself every few minutes to try to get him interested in her. Once in a while she'll make eye contact with Jamie, widening her eyes or smiling in a way that communicates just how she feels about the man in front of her.

All in all, the date lasts an hour, and by the end of it Jamie is about ready to die of second-hand embarrassment.

Peter finishes his third drink and reaches for his coat. "So, you want to go back to my place?"

"Oh, um – I have a class to teach early tomorrow," Dani says, shaking her head. "It was nice to meet you though."

Peter frowns, coat in his hand, unsure of what to do now that he's been told no. It's clearly not something he's used to. "Well, I'll call you then."

"Sure," Dani says, and Jamie ducks her head as she smirks. She gets the feeling that Dani won't be answering any calls from this particular fellow.

Dani waits until the door closes behind him before she slumps against the bar. "God, I thought he'd never leave."

"What, you mean you didn't love listening to how much money he won for his clients last year?" Jamie asks, leaning on her elbows against the bar to catch Dani's gaze. "The one story about his boss screwing the single mom out of child support really tugged at the heartstrings."

"Ugh."

Jamie pours her another beer without Dani having to ask.

"There a reason you're going on these dates? I mean, you're – you don't look like someone who would have trouble finding a guy better than... that mess."

Dani looks down, blushing as if Jamie hadn't just paid her the most lukewarm compliment ever. "I, uh... I kind of went through a breakup, recently. A big one. And my friends think I have to get back out there, so they keep setting me up."

"Huh. Well, if you want, I can set you up with Larry over. He's a big fan of Cointreau, and is a trove of trivial knowledge about movies that came out fifty years ago."

Dani's mouth draws into a tight line, as if she's considering it. She sighs. "I'm not very good with trivia."

"Okay. What about the guy in the leather jacket near the dartboard? Killer beard. Bet he has a motorcycle. Could be a good fit."

Dani's eyebrows quirk upward. "Not you too. I think... I think I just need to be single for a while, you know? I mean, I was engaged to Eddie for a year, and we'd been dating since we were in middle school."

Jamie lets out a low whistle. "Wow, that's... I don't think I've known anyone that long, never mind had a relationship with them." She pauses. "Would it be too much to ask what happened?"

Dani shakes her head. "No, not really. It's just that... nothing happened. That's kind of the whole thing, though. It wasn't... he wasn't..." she sighs. "I just didn't think I could spend the rest of my life with him. The idea of it was suffocating."

Jamie is surprised. She'd gotten the sense that Dani's friends were desperate for her to "get back out there" because Dani was the one who was dumped.

"I can understand that," Jamie says. "People are exhausting. I don't know how anyone can commit to a thing like marriage."

"I think if it's the right person..." Dani trails off. "But Eddie wasn't. Not for me."

"Right."

"So, here I am!" Dani brightens. "Going out on awful dates, and talking to you. Anyone ever tell you you're pretty easy to talk to?"

"I _am_ a bartender." Jamie says with a shrug. "What do you do, by the way? I should know more about you if I'm going to be on the lookout for your soulmate."

"I'm a teacher." Dani's smile quirks at her lips. "And I thought we landed on me staying single?"

"But then you wouldn't have a reason come back to my bar. Couldn't have that, could we?"

Dani leans on the bar. "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Got anyone special?"

Jamie pauses. She could tell her now, get it out of the way before she falls to deep into this pseudo-friendship she feels blossoming between them. She'd probably rather know right away, anyway, if Dani is the type to hate her for who she loves. She would be surprised, honestly – Dani doesn’t seem to have a hateful bone – but people have a habit of surprising Jamie in the worst ways.

"No," she settles on. "Not just yet. Keeping my options open."

"I get that," Dani says. "I like options."

* * *

The next time Dani appears at her bar, she isn't alone. She's with a man, and they're laughing at something when Jamie comes out of the kitchen.

This guy is handsome, with a full head of dark hair and soft eyes that crinkle at the corners when he grins. She figured a beautiful woman like Dani wouldn't stay single for very long, but she still struggles to quell her jealousy.

"Jamie, hey!" Dani notices her almost immediately. "I was hoping you'd be working tonight. I have someone I wanted you to meet."

"Oh," Jamie says, looking at the man sitting next to Dani. "Hello then."

"Hello," the man says. His accent is familiar, like it's from a town she's been through before. "Name's Owen. Dani here says you're the best bartender in town."

"Owen," Dani warns.

"Really, though, she won't shut up about you."

Jamie wants to say something biting, like 'I haven't heard of you,' but the man has a charming quality about him, as much as she hates to admit it. Maybe Dani doesn't have awful taste in men after all.

"Nice to meet you Owen. I'm Jamie. Best bartender in town."

Dani buries her hands in her hair. "I didn't say that," she says.

"No? You wound me, Poppins."

The door opens, and in walks Hannah Grose, almost an hour later than expected.

"About time," Jamie calls out to her, but Hannah just rolls her eyes.

"Not my fault someone forgot to leave me taxi fare. Honestly, Jamie, what kind of hostess are you?"

"The kind nice enough to let you take the bedroom while I crash on the couch."

Hannah sits down at the end of the bar, a few feet away from Owen and Dani. "Have you got any good wine?"

"None good enough for you, but I'll see what I can find."

When Jamie returns, Hannah's moved the couple of seats over to be next to Owen, who just said something apparently hilarious.

"You're not going to believe this," Dani says as soon as Jamie is within earshot. "They're from the same town!"

"Well, not from, exactly," Hannah says. "But I did live in Bly for a while. That's where Jamie and I met, actually."

It feels like a hundred years ago now. Jamie had lived in the small town for a few months after she finished her sentence. She'd even had a job and a flat, but after just a couple short months in the town, she knew she couldn't stay there. It was the kind of place you could get trapped in.

Owen lights up. "You've been to Bly too? And to think, they call New York the big city!”

"You know, I thought I recognized that accent," Jamie says.

"Just incredible," Owen says.

* * *

It’s a lonely Tuesday night at the Manor. Larry had gotten mad at her the day before when she had cut him off particularly early. He tends to avoid the bar for a few nights when that happens, scrounging drinks from his other haunts.

She’s served exactly two customers when the phone rings in the hallway.

Jamie frowns. No one ever calls the bar. She supposes that if anyone’s meant to answer, it would be her.

“Hello?”

There’s silence on the other end, and then – “Jamie?”

She recognizes the voice, a simultaneously breathless and warm tone. “Dani?”

“Oh, good! I was scared someone else would answer. Sorry, I know this is a bit strange but I didn’t know how else to get in touch with you besides just coming to the bar, and —“

“S’all right,” Jamie says, smiling at Dani’s rambling. “Though I can’t exactly fix you a drink through the phone, can I?”

Dani laughs. “I know, I know. I was actually wondering if you wanted to come out tonight –” Jamie’s heart picks up a few extra beats until Dani adds “ – with me and Owen.”

“Where to?” Jamie asks, because even if it isn’t a date, she doesn’t think she could live with herself if she deprived herself of a night with Dani.

“Owen’s restaurant. They just had their soft opening, and there aren’t quite as many people here as he would like. He was wondering if you and your friend would like to come? The one from Bly?”

“Hannah,” Jamie supplies. “Yeah, I’ll check in with her. What’s the address?”

Dani gives it to her, and Jamie writes it down. “It’s a slow enough night. Even Larry isn’t here. I should be able to shut it down in about an hour, that all right?”

“Great!” Jamie can practically see Dani’s grin through the phone. “I’ll see you in a bit then.”

* * *

Owen’s restaurant is a quaint little place with a warm, welcoming feeling despite the few people that mingle inside.

“Jamie!” Dani calls as soon as she spots her. Jamie still isn’t used to having someone say her name with that much enthusiasm. She sees Hannah standing next to Jamie and smiles. "And Hannah, too. I'm so glad you both could make it. Poor Owen is freaking out."

Owen, as if summoned, appears around a corner. "Oh, people! Great, great. Let me grab you a menu or two."

"Owen," Dani prods. "You remember my friend Jamie, and Hannah?"

Jamie tries to ignore the swelling feeling in her chest – Dani considers them friends? – and instead, her eyes drift over to Hannah.

She’s looking at Owen, her lips curling into a tiny smile.

“Oh, yes,” Owen says, “I remember." He reaches forward, and Hannah's hand is quick to rise to meet him in a handshake that lingers. "It's great to see you again, Ms. Grose."

Jamie clears her throat, and Owen startles. "I think I'm going to grab a drink at the bar. Hannah, need anything?"

"A glass of wine, thanks dear."

Dani tags along with her as she walks over to the bar in the back of the restaurant. "Nice place, right?"

"Yeah," Jamie says, looking around. She doesn't go to restaurants like this very much. They're out of range for her, both in price and interest. "Suits him."

"He's got a couple of investors. He's really incredible, actually, you should try some of his food."

"That's what I'm here for, right?"

Dani bites her lip and shrugs. "Really, I just wanted to see you. Outside of the bar. It may sound weird, but... I feel like we have some sort of connection."

There it is again. That boldness, the one that keeps catching Jamie off guard and pulling her further and further in.

Jamie, desperate not to say anything stupid in this moment, returns her eyes to Hannah and Owen. "Speaking of connections..."

Dani laughs. "I thought that maybe since you both were from England, you might hit it off. In a way, I guess I was right," Dani says, eyeing the steadily decreasing amount of space between Owen and Hannah as they talk.

"You thought – I'm sorry, were you trying to set me up with your friend?"

Dani shrugs. "I don't know, maybe? Owen's such a sweet guy, but he's been single forever, and..." Dani stops speaking when she realizes that Jamie is laughing. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing, I just... I think Hannah is a much better fit for him.” It's the closest she's willing to get right now to telling Dani the truth.

The rest of the night goes smoothly. Dani doesn't say anything else that makes Jamie's heart stop in its tracks, and Hannah keeps laughing at Owen's ridiculous jokes. After an hour or so, they're the only ones left in the restaurant, and they've gone through almost two bottles of wine.

Hannah looks like she never wants to leave, so Jamie feels bad when she has to suggest that they do just that.

“After midnight already?” Hannah says, checking her watch.

“Time flies,” Owen says. The look on his face is one Jamie would normally gag at, like a lovesick puppy, but for some reason it suits him.

Dani follows them out into the cold. “Can’t believe it got this late. I have to be at the school in six hours.”

“What grade do you teach?” Jamie is not willing to let go of the night yet, even though she can sense its inevitable end.

“Fourth.”

 _Age ten, then_ Jamie thinks. _The year everything started going to shit._

“Oh, silly me. I forgot my purse inside,” Hannah says, turning back to the restaurant. “I’ll be right back.”

Dani lingers on the sidewalk, hands in her pockets. The city is uncharacteristically quiet as they stand there together.

“I think he’ll do well here,” Jamie says, looking to fill the silence.

“He deserves it, that’s for sure,” Dani says. “He’s had a bit of a rough go of things lately.”

Jamie knows the feeling. She’s lost in her thoughts about that for a moment, mind a little muddled from the wine. She barely notices when Dani takes a step closer to her.

"Could I have your phone number?" Dani asks, a shy smile playing on her lips.

 _You can have anything you want,_ Jamie answers in her head. She nods, swallowing the thought. "Sure, Poppins. Don't want you calling up my boss at the Manor. He's not a particularly friendly man."

Dani pulls a piece of paper and a pen out of her purse, handing it to Jamie. She scribbles her number down, putting unusual care into her handwriting.

“I’ll see you around then?” Jamie asks as she gives the paper back to Dani.

Dani grins. “Definitely. Tell Hannah I say goodnight.”

Jamie lights up a cigarette to keep her company, watching Dani walk away until she turns a corner and is out of sight.

When Hannah returns a minute later, lipstick slightly smudged, Jamie doesn’t say a word.

* * *

Dani doesn’t wait very long to call.

Jamie doesn't answer the first time, having forgotten that she'd given her new friend her phone number. It's early on a Saturday, after all, and Jamie really values her sleep, especially after shifts that last until 2 a.m.

When the phone starts ringing again a few minutes later, she drags her body out of bed with a groan. She wishes Hannah was still here — she would happily tell whoever is calling at this obscene hour to piss off — but her friend had flown back the day before.

"Yeah?" she says when she makes it the receiver.

"Jamie?"

Jamie straightens, fixes her hair despite the fact that she’s alone in the apartment. “Oh, Dani, sorry I – I wasn't expecting it to be you."

"Did I wake you up?"

"No," Jamie lies. "I just haven't had my tea yet."

“Good! I was hoping you would want to join me, actually. I heard of this great little place..."

And that's how Jamie ends up meeting Dani for breakfast on a Saturday morning.

“Cute place,” Jamie says, looking around at the hole-in-the-wall that Dani directed her to over the phone. It’s only a few blocks from the bar, but in a decidedly nicer part of town.

“One of Owen’s friends runs it,” Dani says. “Apparently they have the best scones in the city, and a ‘good brew.’”

She grins at Jamie like she knows that this is what Jamie has been waiting to hear, and Jamie’s heart thumps loudly in her chest. She chides it – _shush, for gods sake_ – because it’s a pointless crush to have, this surge of emotions she feels towards Dani.

Dani insists on paying, reminding Jamie that she was the one who invited her out, and Jamie tries not to dwell on the phrasing too much. It doesn’t mean anything, after all. Just a friend, paying for another friend’s breakfast. It’s not a date. Certainly not.

She’s sufficiently distracted by her first sip of tea, served in a large, homey mug.

“Owen wasn’t wrong,” she says when she finds Dani watching her carefully. “Not bad at all.”

Dani looks delighted, and Jamie tries not to pay too much attention to the feeling that settles heavily in her chest. After all, what difference does it make? She’s not looking for anything. She really isn’t. She’s had her fill of love, thank you very much.

She just needs a friend. Dani’s a friend. Everything is normal.

“I see you’ve moved on, then?”

Jamie straightens her back, startled by the sudden intrusion. The blood drains from her face when she realizes who is standing in front of them.

She hasn’t seen Viola in years. Not since…

Dani smiles at Viola. “Hi. I’m Dani,” she says, extending her hand.

Viola, to her credit, takes Dani’s hand and shakes it.

“Viola,” the ex says. “Haven’t seen you around, Jamie?”

“Been a bit busy,” Jamie manages to say.

“Oh? Things finally pick up at that dive then?”

Viola means it as an insult, but Dani either doesn’t register that, or isn’t interested in engaging with it. “Oh, I love the Manor! It’s got some real character to it. And to think, I would’ve never met Jamie if I hadn’t wandered in there by accident.”

The look Dani gives her in that moment almost makes up for the terribly awkward rhythm of Jamie’s heart through this conversation.

“Right. Well, be careful with this one,” Viola says, nodding her head towards Jamie. “She’s got a temper.”

Dani looks at Jamie with a frown, but doesn’t say anything. Jamie’s heart races on in her ears, and she wishes more than anything that she could just go back to the moments before this happened.

Viola doesn’t linger, just nods once more at Jamie before walking out the door of the cafe.

“What was that all about?” Dani asks, sounding slightly bewildered. “She a friend?”

Dani’s giving Jamie an out, she realizes, an opportunity to just wave it off. But that’s not what Jamie needs to do in this moment. There’s no point in hiding herself from Dani just to get her heart broken by a friend again in a few months when the truth comes out.

It’s only been three weeks of knowing Dani, and she already feels too important for that.

Jamie steels herself. “She's my ex."

"Oh?" Dani says, eyebrows shooting up. " _Oh_."

Jamie nods, voice suddenly stuck in her throat. She's been dreading this moment. A nice, mid-western girl like Dani... people like Jamie aren't exactly accepted where Dani is from. They aren't exactly accepted where Jamie’s from either, come to think of it.

"Yeah," she manages to get out. Her voice is thinner than she would like, and she clears her throat before continuing. “Followed her to America, even. It was going great, ’til I found her in bed with some guy from work. So… things there are a bit awkward, as you can imagine."

Jamie doesn’t mention the fact that she trashed their flat before she left. It wasn’t her proudest moment, but it did make her feel at least a little bit better in a moment where her world was falling apart around her.

"Right," Dani says, nodding a few too many times. She looks at Jamie for seconds that seem to stretch into eternity. "Well. Fuck her, right?"

Jamie is taken by surprise. She can't stop the laugh that tumbles out of her, half relief and half shock at hearing Dani curse. “Yeah, fuck her."

* * *

After they finish their breakfast, Dani suggests a walk. There’s a park not too far from the café that Jamie’s been once or twice, when she needs a moment before work spent with some fresh air and maybe a passing dog.

Her mind is still racing with what just happened at breakfast. Fucking _Viola_. After a year of not seeing her, why now, when she was out with Dani?

It’s not until they sit down on a bench that Jamie realizes Dani has been uncharacteristically quiet. When she turns, she finds that Dani is looking at her with an odd expression on her face, like there’s something she wants to say but doesn’t know how.

“All right there?” Jamie asks, and Dani nods.

“Yeah, just… lost in thought, I guess. Been a pretty busy week.”

Jamie nods, as if she knows what’s been going on in Dani’s life outside of the little bubble they’ve built over the past few weeks.

“School stuff?”

Dani shrugs. “Yeah. It always gets a bit busy before the holiday. We had the kids doing oral reports on books they’ve read. It’s the first time I’ve had to give any of them a bad grade.”

“I remember those days,” Jamie says, not fondly. She’d never been good at school, and school had never been good to her. Too many people. Too much noise. Kind of like life in New York.

“How did you know?” The question seems to be drawn out of thin air, unrelated to the discussion at hand.

Still, Jamie knows just what Dani means.

“Know what?” she asks anyway.

“That you… that you like women,” Dani says. “Like that,” she adds, just in case it was unclear.

It wasn’t.

“I guess… I’d like to say I always knew, but that’s not quite right. I didn't really think about having a relationship with anyone until I was a teenager. And then there was this one girl..." Jamie trails off, not sure how much detail she should go into. But Dani is looking at her, eyes wide like she's hanging on every word. "We met my last year in school, before I uh... dropped out. We hated each other at first. Or rather, she could see something in me that I didn't see in myself, and she hated me for it."

"That you were gay?"

It's the first time the words been spoken out loud between them, and it hangs in the air.

"Yeah."

"So she's what made you realize?"

Jamie nods. "She kissed me, one day. Guess hating me was a way of hating herself. I let her do it, because I was young and stupid. Kept doing it for a while before I figured out that I deserved better."

"Have you ever tried kissing a boy?"

Jamie scrunches her nose. "Never occurred to me, honestly."

"Hm," Dani said. "Not even when you were a kid?"

"Nope."

Dani leans back against the bench, watching the people walk by for a few moments before she speaks.

"You know, it's weird... I grew up with Eddie. We were neighbors. And since before I could even talk, people would joke about us growing up and getting married. It was like it was what everyone expected from us, and after a while I learned to, too. And then one day, it just occurred to me that it didn't have to be that way, you know?"

"And then you broke up with him?”

Dani nods, then shakes her head. "Well, not right away. I tried to make it work for a while. But once I realized that there might be someone out there, waiting, who could make me feel things they talk about in books and movies, the things that Eddie never could? I couldn't drag it on any longer."

"Well, I wouldn't hold your breath, Poppins. Life isn't some romance novel. I mean, I've never found someone who could take my breath away, light up a room or…” Jamie tapers off as she realizes she's lying. She has met someone just like that. She's sitting right in front of her. She course corrects. “Romance isn't all that it's cracked up to be, is all I'm saying."

Dani's brow furrows. "Well, I don't believe that. I know there's someone out there better for me than Eddie. And I'm sure there's someone out there better for you than Viola.”

Jamie gives her a wry smile. “A low bar. I guess that’s as good of a place as any to start.”

* * *

The invite comes on a night when Dani’s visiting Jamie at the Manor.

"Owen's having a New Year's Eve party, if you'd like to come?"

It’s two days before the end of the month, in the strange time nestled between Christmas and the New Year.

“A party?” Jamie’s eyebrows raise. “Doesn’t strike me as the sort.”

“I’m sure it won’t be big,” Dani tells her. “Maybe a handful of people.”

Dani is very, very wrong.

When Jamie shows up to the address Dani gave her, the small flat is full of people. Jamie doesn’t recognize any of them straight away.

She wonders for a few minutes if she’s in the wrong place — maybe she’d written down the street wrong, or the came to the wrong floor — when she spots Dani, tucked away in a corner, a drink in her hand and a smile on her face.

She looks amazing, hair down and wearing a tight-fitting dress. She’s talking to a man with a large beard and a bowtie, looking like she’d rather be anywhere else.

“Poppins,” she calls out after she makes her way through crowd. “Fancy meeting you here.”

“Jamie!” Dani says, pushing off the wall and away from the obliviously unwanted man. “I’m so glad you came.”

She’d barely made it in time, having to work until 11 p.m. It wasn’t exactly easy to get across town at this hour on New Year's Eve, but Jamie had been determined.

It’s worth it when Dani wraps an arm around Jamie’s shoulder and pulls her in for a hug. It’s the first physical contact between them, and Jamie feels it down to her bones.

 _Just a crush_ , she reminds herself. _Infatuation. It'll fade into friendship eventually._

Up close, she can see the flush on Dani’s cheeks, the glassiness in her eyes. She’s been drinking. Judging by the company, Jamie can’t blame her.

The guy behind Dani doesn’t take well to Dani's abrupt departure from their conversation. He looks like he has a few words for Jamie, but she just stares right back at him, which has always been enough to put men like him off.

“Come on,” Jamie says. “Show me where I can get a drink in this place?”

Dani is a touchy drunk, Jamie quickly learns. She takes Jamie’s hand and tugs her towards the kitchen, where a big ugly punch bowl is filled with a deep purple liquid. Dani doesn’t ask before pouring her a glass.

“That’s… wow,” Jamie says, face puckering as she takes a sip.

“It’s awful, but it’s strong,” Dani says, nodding. “I’m not as good a bartender as you.”

Jamie agrees with a hum, but takes another large swig of the drink. She has a feeling she’s going to need it.

“Hope you don’t mind the interruption. Looked like he had you trapped,” Jamie said.

“God, you have no idea. If I had to listen for one more second to his bullshit I might’ve exploded.”

Jamie laughs. Dani isn’t usually quite so candid.

“Had no idea Owen was this popular,” Jamie observes, looking at the packed room around them.

“He knows a lot of people from the industry,” Dani explains. “Though how all of them got the night off, I have no idea.”

Jamie nods. She’d had some trouble herself, until she reminded her boss of the many holidays she’s missed out on working at the Manor with no extra pay.

“Excuse me,” Dani says, stepping away suddenly with a deep frown on her face. Jamie’s eyes follow Dani as she marches across the room to a closed door.

She walks in without knocking, and a few seconds later a few people emerge from the room, mussed and blushing. Dani shuts the door behind her.

“Sorry about that,” she says when she’s back to Jamie. “I don’t want anyone in my room.”

“Your — you live here?” Jamie is shocked. “I didn’t realize you and Owen were flatmates.”

Dani nods. “I can’t afford a place like this on my own, and up until recently Owen couldn’t either.”

Now that she mentions it, Jamie can see little bits of evidence that Dani lives here. A few photos of her on the walls, a shelf full of books, a child’s drawing hanging on the fridge. Jamie wonders if it’s from one of her students, or a relative, maybe. Surely she would know if Dani had children.

Dani leads her over to an oversized armchair that’s just big enough for the two of them. Jamie tries not to pay attention to the way their legs press against each other in the cramped space. She watches as Dani takes a gulp of her drink, eyes darting around the room.

"Trying to pick out who you're going to kiss at midnight?"

"God no," Dani says. "Kissing a stranger sounds... I don't know. I've never even kissed anyone besides Eddie," she admits. "And he was kind of awful at it."

Jamie laughs, trying to push down the thoughts of kissing Dani. "That's a shame." She sips her beverage, blaming it for the heat she feels flushing her cheeks.

"Why's that?"

"You've only kissed one person, and he wasn't even any good? No wonder your friends keep setting you up on dates. You need to live a little, Poppins."

"Are you offering?"

Jamie must've heard her wrong. Dani Clayton is daring, sure, bolder than most would give her credit for judging by her looks, of course — but she couldn't possibly have just offered to kiss Jamie when the ball drops. Could she?

“W-what?"

"I mean, it is New Year's. And you're not some stranger..."

"I'm... I'm not," Jamie says, adjusting against the couch so she's turned towards Dani. Dani looks her straight in the eye, clearly serious. A commotion comes from the crowd gathered in front of the television, and Owen stands on a stool, clinking a glass.

"It's time!"

Jamie's eyes find Dani's as the ball begins to drop.

10, 9, 8, 7...

Dani's fingers reach for Jamie's in her lap.

6, 5, 4…

Her blue eyes are shining as they drop to Jamie’s lips.

3, 2...

Dani leans forward. Jamie's heart is in her throat.

The kiss is small, chaste. A simple thing, friendly almost. The way Jamie's heart hammers in her chest is anything but.

The moment is broken when the announcer says, “Happy new year!” and everyone in the room erupts in cheers and laughter.

Jamie's eyes open to see Dani, hovering just a breath away. Their fingers are still tangled together, and the same heat Jamie felt from before is still there, burning.

Dani pulls back and looks at Jamie. There's a slight flush on her cheeks and a smile on her lips, crinkling at the corners.

"Okay?" Jamie asks, her voice too rough.

Dani nods. "Perfect," she whispers. She blinks, once, twice, then clears her throat. "I'm um – I'm going to get another drink. Would you like anything?"

“I’m good, thanks,” Jamie says.

Dani gets up, and Jamie takes the time to look around the room. No one seems to have noticed their moment, maybe dismissing it as girls just being girls, or too caught up in their own holiday reverie to care.

Still, Jamie’s heart won’t slow its tempo.

Dani doesn’t come back to her right away, seemingly caught by someone Owen wants to introduce her to. He’s handsome and tall, but Jamie doesn’t miss the way Dani’s eyes keep darting away from him to find her.

“Sorry,” she mouths, but Jamie waves her off. It’s better this way. Jamie isn’t sure she’d be able to carry a conversation with Dani just yet.

She knows a couple of people here, it turns out, and she finds herself marveling again at how the city can be much smaller than anyone gives it credit for.

Still, she breathes a sigh of relief when the crowd begins to thin and there’s more air in the room. She hasn’t been surrounded by this many people since she was in her early twenties, young and excited to meet people who might be like her.

She’s jaded now, a nearly thirty-year-old grump. But tonight has her thinking that getting out more might be a good thing, especially if she wants to shake this annoyingly useless crush on her new friend.

“Having a good time?”

Dani pops up after Jamie has just finished talking with a woman who she’s almost certain used to date one of Viola’s friends. She works at a bar much like the Manor, where Viola and Jamie had been more than once.

If Jamie didn’t know any better, she would say there’s a bit of a bite to Dani’s words.

“Not bad,” Jamie says with a shrug. “Bit tired, though. Might be time to call it.”

"I'll walk you out,” Dani offers.

"You don't have to do that," Jamie says, but Dani is shaking her head.

“I could use the fresh air.”

When they get outside, Jamie realizes that it’s started to snow sometime since she arrived. Flakes trickle out of the sky slowly, but steadily.

Dani steps out after her, pulling her jacket close.

“Thank you for coming,” she says.

“Thanks for the invite.”

They stand near the stairs for a moment in silence.

“I’m really glad we get to be friends,” Dani whispers. "I don't have a lot of those, and you're..." Even as the snow falls around them, Jamie can feel her cheeks burning. "Different," Dani decides on after a moment. "Than anyone I've ever met, I think."

Jamie doesn't ask what she means, just nods. When Dani pulls her in for a hug, Jamie can smell the alcohol on her.

“Happy new year, Jamie,” she whispers into her ear.

“Happy new year to you, too,” Jamie says, trying not to feel the warmth of Dani’s breath.

Jamie is sure she’s imagining things when she feels Dani press a small kiss against her hair.

* * *

Things go a bit south after that.

Dani doesn’t come into the bar. She doesn’t call.

Just as quickly as she came into Jamie’s life, she’s disappeared completely.

It’s been ten days and Jamie knows that she shouldn’t care quite this much — she’d only known the woman for a month, not even — but when her phone rings on a Sunday in mid-January, she leaps to answer it.

“Hello?”

“Jamie, love, how are you?”

It’s Hannah.

“Same old, y’know. How’s things on your end?” Jamie asks.

“Good, good,” Hannah answers. Jamie waits, knowing there’s something more coming. “I was hoping to ask a favor of you.”

“Of course.”

“I’m thinking of flying out next month,” Hannah says.

“So soon?” Hannah has only been gone a few weeks. Usually there’s months, at least, between visits, if not longer. 

“Yes, the week of the fourteenth.”

Jamie laughs. Valentine’s Day. She should’ve know.

“You and Owen still talking, I presume?”

“He’s a lovely man,” Hannah says.

“Well, my home is your home,” Jamie says, looking around her flat. “You’re welcome any time.”

“That’s just the thing…” Jamie frowns as Hannah trails off. “I was thinking I could stay with Owen. It’s just that he has a flatmate, and we were hoping we could have some privacy.”

The meaning takes a second to dawn on her. “You want me to invite Dani here?”

“If you wouldn’t mind. I think it would be good for you to change up the routine a bit anyway, and that girl does seem to like you.”

Jamie remembers the brush of Dani’s lips against hers, the softest touch that’s been haunting her for almost two weeks now.

“Yeah,’ Jamie agrees before she has time to doubt herself. “Fine by me. Not sure Dani will be keen on you kicking her out, though.”

“I’ll handle that,” Hannah assures her. When Jamie hangs up the phone a few minutes later, she’s all but certain that it won’t be happening. Dani will most definitely reject this plan, given her avoidance of Jamie.

It doesn’t seem very fair — the kiss was Dani’s idea, and Jamie had barely reciprocated it. It shouldn’t have cost her a friendship, not after she’d been so careful to cross any lines.

Not with someone that she’d grown to care about so quickly.

* * *

She barely believes it a few days later when Hannah calls her up to tell her Dani agreed to the whole plan.

* * *

Dani finally turns up at the Manor a week later.

Jamie’s still feeling a bit bitter about the whole thing. She looks away as soon as she spots the woman, lets Dani sit at the end of the bar for a few minutes, busying herself with a few other customers.

When makes her way over to Dani, the blonde sits straight up.

“Jamie,” she says, voice full of nerves. Jamie leans against the bar as she looks at her.

“Can I get you something?’ she offers, pretending for a minute that Dani could possibly be here to drink.

“No,” Dani says. “I was hoping we could talk.”

“Been a minute, Poppins.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I’ve just… ” she says, fingers still fidgeting. “I, um, I’m sorry if I’ve been… that I haven’t…”

“S’all right,” Jamie says, not wanting to draw this out any longer than necessary, to make the moment feel more significant than it should. They’re just two people, barely friends. There shouldn’t be this much weight behind either of their words. “We all get busy sometimes, yeah?”

Dani nods, but her eyes don’t meet Jamie’s. “I was just — I got drunker than I meant to, and I think I… I just hope I didn’t make things weird between us.”

“Dani,” Jamie says, waiting until Dani looks up at her. “I said it’s all right, and I meant it. Okay?”

“Okay,” Dani says, quiet, as if she’s assuring herself more than answering Jamie. “How’ve you been? Anything new?”

“Loads,” Jamie says. “Got a new begonia. Larry taught me all about Brando’s failed marriages for the fourth time. And I got a very interesting call from Hannah the other day. Seems she’s pretty taken with your friend.”

“Right, Owen mentioned that you were on board with it,” Dani says. “You are okay with it, right? I really don’t want to intrude. I can always make him get a room somewhere, or maybe rent one myself, of —“

“It’s fine, Dani,” Jamie says, hoping the use of her name drives the point home. Jamie doesn’t mind at all, really, especially if it’ll dissolve this awkward bump in the road they’ve come across.

“If you’re sure,” she says.

“I’m barely there, anyway,” Jamie says. “Between work and my _very_ active social life.”

Dani laughs at this, and things begin to feel a bit lighter. She can do this, she thinks. A friendship with Dani is something she deserves. She won’t let her damn feelings take that away from her.

* * *

Things return to normal after that night, more or less. Dani stops by the bar at least once a week, most often with Owen. Jamie accepts her invites to dinner, to drinks, for a walk - anything to help things along as they get back into the friendship they'd been building before New Year's.

By the time February rolls around, she's feeling okay about the whole thing.

Her crush hasn't faded, sure, but it’s dulled enough with familiarity that she thinks she can get through. She sleeps in most mornings, and Dani will be off to school by the time Jamie wakes. When Dani gets home, Jamie will have left for the bar, except for Thursdays, her day off.

They'll stay out of each others' way, and things will be fine.

* * *

“We’re going to be closed all week.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Jamie can’t help her offended tone.

One little pipe burst, and she’s saddled with a week of no work, no Larry, no _money._

“There was a lot of damage,” her boss says. “The paint, the floors… a week, at least, I’d say.”

“Fuck,” Jamie breathes out. “All right then. Keep me updated, I suppose.”

A week off from work. A week with no income.

A week with Dani.

All in all, Jamie doesn’t know how she’s going to survive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Larry was my favorite customer, back before the pandemic when I was a bartender. I definitely didn't write this fic just to pay homage to him.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this first chapter! If you'd like to chat I'm over on Tumblr at [@justawhitewall](https://justawhitewall.tumblr.com) :)
> 
> Also, if anyone who is actually British would like to help me out as a beta, it would be much appreciated.


	2. Chapter 2

“Thanks again for letting me stay here,” Dani says as she drags her bags through the doorway. Jamie had offered to carry them, of course, but Dani had insisted that she not put Jamie out any further.

“It’s not like it’s for your benefit,” Jamie says. “Hannah’s the one who owes me.”

“Oh, it’s for my benefit. They’re all over each other, Jamie. I saw way too much and I was only there for a few minutes.”

Jamie snorts. She knows the feeling. Public displays of affection have always made her uncomfortable.

She’d done her best to clean the flat before Dani’s arrival. It’s hard, in such a small space — even when everything is away, much of her life is still very visible.

She feels exposed. Vulnerable. Like Dani can look in and see all of her at once, summed up in five hundred square feet.

When she’d left Viola, the best she’d been able to afford was a studio. The space suits her fine, when it’s just Jamie and her plants. But the room seems so very much smaller when Dani’s in it, forcing Jamie to stand closer to her than she’s been in weeks, and she’s ill-prepared for the nearness of her, how easily she fills a room.

* * *

Jamie learns a lot about Dani in that week.

Firstly, it’s not just rum punch she’s terrible with. It seems as if all beverages are off limits when it comes to Dani Clayton.

Jamie tries not to spit out the coffee when Dani gives it to her the first morning. The afternoon tea, however, is another story. She can’t stand idly by and let Dani desecrate her tea collection.

“Nope,” she says, setting down the mug. “No, no, no. God, how much sugar did you put in here?”

Dani tilts her head. “It doesn’t taste _that_ bad,” she insists, taking a sip. Her throat has to visibly work in an effort to swallow. “See?”

“Mm, right. Well, that’s it. You’re not to touch a kettle the entire time you’re here, understand?”

“Oh, come on.” Jamie crosses her arms, indicating that she won’t budge on this. “You have to let me do something while I’m here! You’re saving me from a week of earplugs and loud music, cooped up in my bedroom.”

“I just can’t stand the thought of you deliberately destroying my tea,” Jamie replies.

"It's not deliberate," Dani insists. "I just... I think the sugar makes it taste better."

“As I said: deliberate. How's your cooking?" she ventures.

Dani shrugs. “I know my way around, more or less.”

“I’m not sure I’d trust that,” Jamie says. “But I guess there’s only one way to find out.”

As it turns out, Dani is being truthful. Jamie is not much of a cook herself — she knows a few basic meals, enough to get her by. But Dani must’ve picked up a thing or two living with Owen, or maybe it was something learned from her mother.

“No,” Dani shakes her head when Jamie asks. “My mom, uh… she wasn’t really...”

Jamie nods. She gets it. Her own mother hadn’t the slightest interest in raising her. Dani doesn’t seem to want to explain further, so Jamie just lets her curiosity hang in the air as they finish eating the chicken Dani made them.

“I’ll do the washing up,” Jamie says, holding a hand up when Dani goes to argue. “Only fair, Poppins.”

* * *

Dani decides to take a shower while Jamie fixes the kitchen. Delicious as it was, the meal made quite a mess in preparation. Jamie’s thankful for the distraction when the smell of Dani’s shampoo fills the small room.

“One week,” she mutters to herself. She can do this.

Dani emerges from her shower dressed in sleep shorts and an old tee that hangs loose around her shoulders. Her hair is done up in one of those ridiculously bright-colored scrunchies she owns, the kind that Jamie has teased her about plenty.

“Water pressure alright?” Jamie asks. It’s had its fair share of problems before, but Dani smiles.

“Wonderful,” she says. “Have I told you how much I love your place?”

“Do you?” Jamie looks around. It’s nothing special.

“It’s just so…” Dani sighs. “You.”

Jamie tries not to let her face heat up under Dani’s fond gaze. “Right.”

* * *

“It was Eddie’s mom,” Dani says, after they’ve settled in to watch a movie.

“Hm?” Jamie asks, not sure if she’s zoned out and missed something, or if Dani is doing that thing she tends to do, responding to a conversation that they’ve already left behind. She figures it’s the latter. Dani has a tendency to dwell.

“Who taught me to cook. My mom wasn’t around. Or she was, she just wasn’t…” Dani sighs, looks off to a spot above Jamie’s head on the wall. Jamie waits for her to finish. “She wasn’t very interested in being a mom, after my dad died.”

“I’m sorry. Must’ve been hard,” Jamie says. “My dad wasn’t very interested in being a dad once my mum left.”

“She left?” Dani says, looking back at Jamie with a frown. “That’s — that’s horrible, I’m sorry.”

“It’s in the past.” Jamie shrugs, as if this isn’t the only time she’s told anyone about this in years. “We got a long fine without her, ’til we didn’t. Dad took to the bottle, I took to raising my little brother. One day, a teacher noticed that I hadn’t had a clean change of clothes in weeks, and that was that.”

“Wow.”

Jamie isn’t sure why she’s sharing all of this. This was Dani’s moment, Dani’s door to open. She waves a hand, dismissing any notion of spilling more of her guts to the woman on her couch.

“Well, I got through alright. Looks like you did, too.”

Dani’s eyes haven’t left Jamie. The intensity is burning, but Jamie can’t bring herself to look away. “You think so?”

“Yeah. You don’t?”

Dani’s chest rises, falls with a heavy breath. “I don’t know sometimes. I feel like I’m just… stumbling through, you know?”

“Yeah,” Jamie says. “I know that feeling too well, Poppins. But if I’m being honest, I’m not sure there’s anyone out there who feels any different. We’re just all different degrees of fucked up.”

This makes Dani laugh. “Well, I’m glad we seem to be on equal ground. Neglectful parents, awful exes…”

“Peas in a pod, aren’t we?”

Dani grins. “Yeah, I think we just might be.”

* * *

No matter how much she argues, Dani refuses to take Jamie’s bed. Jamie would be just fine on the couch – slept there plenty, either when Hannah is visiting or on nights when she’s too exhausted to travel the few feet to her bed.

But Dani insists.

Jamie can tell by the tossing and turning that it isn’t going well.

It’s not that Jamie’s couch is uncomfortable, per se. It just has… personality. You have to get to know it to love it.

If Jamie had any chance of falling asleep in the same room as Dani, the constant movement would have her spending the night awake anyway. She knew from the start, though, that this next week would be spent sleep-deprived.

“Not too late to take the bed,” Jamie says into the darkness after an hour of rustling blankets. She says it quietly, just in case Dani is just a very restless sleeper and has actually been out this entire time.

She hasn’t.

“Thank god,” Dani whispers back.

Jamie is about to reach over and turn on the light so she can move to the couch without tripping over something when she feels Dani’s weight sink into the bed next to her. Her eyes widen, breath catching in her throat. She hadn’t meant —

“Sure this is okay?” Dani asks. Jamie feels the brush of Dani’s arm against her shoulder and shudders.

“It’s fine.” Jamie knows this is a lie, but it’s one she tells anyway. “Are you cold?”

Dani tucks her knees into her chest so she can slide her legs under the blanket.

“Not anymore,” she answers after settling in.

Jamie’s bed isn’t very large. It’s enough for two people, if those two people are the intimate sort. The mattress is on the floor, tucked into a corner. Jamie presses herself to the wall, determined not to touch Dani again, skin still burning from where their shoulders had brushed.

_Friends. Friends who are sharing a bed. That’s all we’re doing._

There’s a window above them, and the street light shining through is enough for Jamie to just make out the shape of Dani.

The gentle slope of her shoulders. Her hair, splayed across the pillow. Her face, half hidden in shadow, expression fading to blissful nothing as she falls asleep in the comfort of a real bed.

Jamie knows she won’t be getting any rest that night.

* * *

It’s late Saturday morning when Dani wakes up.

Jamie’s been out of bed for hours, having carefully maneuvered her way off the full-size mattress as soon as the sun came up.

She doesn’t let herself look at the woman asleep in her bed. It’s out of bounds, that sort of thing. Dwelling. Longing.

Unfair to Dani, and even more so unfair to herself. She can’t indulge in this crush she’s harboring, can’t allow it to grow any further.

She has better self control than that. She _has_ to have.

“You should’ve woken me up,” Dani says, sitting up in bed. The covers fall around her waist. Jamie averts her eyes from the curve or Dani’s chest as she stretches, arms reaching for the ceiling. “God, I don’t think I’ve slept that well in ages.”

Jamie wonders for a moment if Dani misses her ex, the feeling of warmth next to her after years spent by his side. She’s not sure she likes the idea of providing that in his stead.

“Glad to hear it,” she says, voice not quite reaching the chipper tone she’s aiming for.

“You all right?” Dani asks, but Jamie ignores her.

“You want breakfast? I have…” she looks around her kitchen, realizing it’s tragically understocked for their current circumstance. She’s not one for eating in the morning. “Eggs, maybe?”

“I thought we agreed I’d be doing the cooking while I’m here,” Dani says, swinging her feet over the edge of the bed.

“Right.” In truth, Jamie was just looking for something to focus her restless energy towards. Something about this feels too domestic, too close to something Jamie can’t let herself imagine having. “I was thinking of running out. There’s a new shop a few blocks over, wanted to pick out a new plant.”

The time away from Dani will be good, she thinks. A bit of a break from her racing thoughts and this nagging need to be closer.

“Oh! Can I come? I know nothing about plants, but yours are beautiful.”

So much for that idea.

* * *

It’s money that she doesn’t have, but she figures she deserves to splurge, what with all the mental anguish she’s putting herself through with Dani.

Might as well have something to nurture and care for, right?

The store is overflowing with healthy, vibrant plants. It’s something that Jamie rarely finds in the city. Usually she feels as if she’s swooping in to rescue the poor little things.

She wanders the shop, admiring the variety. She thinks she’ll be back here, sooner rather than later. She’s not sure when, but she loses Dani somewhere along the way to the back of the shop.

She’s about to turn back and find her when she sees it: a pothos. A beautiful one, years old at least. She has the perfect basket waiting for it at home, knows just what window it will hang in to get the correct amount of light.

It’s exactly what she needs.

As she makes her way to the front of the store, she finds Dani, eyeing a table full of snake plants of all sizes.

“I think these are neat,” Dani says, something wistful in her voice. “Wish I could keep anything alive.”

“If anything could survive you, it’s this guy,” Jamie says.

Dani laughs. “I doubt that. I’ve got a real talent for sucking the life out of things.”

Jamie doesn’t believe her for a second. When she’s checking out, she asks the woman for a young snake plant for Dani.

She hands it to her when they make it outside.

“I’ll show you how to take care of it,” Jamie says as Dani stares at the small plant. Jamie is starting to worry that she’s done something wrong when Dani breaks out in a grin.

“I love it. Thank you.”

They start their walk back around the block, slowed by the large plant Jamie is hauling along. Jamie is sweating despite the cold air by the time they get back to the apartment.

She pours herself a glass of water, trying to ignore the way Dani watches her as she drinks, knowing that means there's a question coming.

“How did you learn so much about plants, anyway?” Dani asks once they’re sitting again.

Jamie thinks on this.

She’s shared enough with Dani, and Dani hasn’t shied away from any of it yet.

It seems safe enough to give Dani this small part of herself. What’s one more drop in the bucket?

“There was a program, when I was...,” Jamie pauses to clear her throat. “When I was in prison. They taught us how to grow things. It was pretty great. Changed my life, really."

Dani doesn't push, but Jamie knows it's unfair to open that door and not explain.

"It was a juvenile program. I didn't do anything - I mean, I probably would've eventually, with the crowd I was running with, but..."

"You don't have to tell me," Dani says.

"No, it's okay. I want to," Jamie says, resolute. "There was this girl. I was mad for her. She got in a bit of trouble herself, and she was older, a year or two. I took the charge so she wouldn't have to, since I was under eighteen. Didn't want her to have a record and all that."

Dani’s face is hard to read. She’s listening, intently as ever.

“Is that why you dropped out of school?”

Jamie doesn’t even remember telling her that part. It must’ve slipped out at some point.

“Yeah,” Jamie says. “More or less.”

“What happened?”

“With school? Same old — couldn’t be bothered to catch up on what I’d missed.”

“No, with the girl.”

“Oh,” Jamie says, eyebrows raising. She wasn’t expecting Dani to be curious about that part of the story. “She wasn’t all that interested in waiting for me.”

“Hm.” Dani looks over at Jamie, smiles that tortuously sweet smile. “Her loss.”

* * *

Dani leaves Jamie to set up her new plant, taking up a book on the couch. Jamie chides herself every time she steals a glance at Dani — not a friendly thing to do. She’s never caught herself staring at Hannah, after all.

But more than once, when she looks over at Dani, she’s looking right back at her.

Jamie doesn’t want to delve into what that could possibly mean. She doesn’t think she could take it.

* * *

That night, after Dani cooks them another decent meal, they watch another movie on the couch. This time, it’s Dani’s turn to pick. She finds a romantic comedy in Jamie’s pile of VHS tapes, something which Jamie didn’t even know she owned.

“Where did you even get this?” Jamie asks as Dani settles in too close for comfort on the couch next to her.

“With the rest of them,” Dani says, gesturing towards the stack of tapes in an unorganized tower on the floor.

“Must’ve been Viola’s,” Jamie says.

Dani hums in response, too taken in by the movie’s opening credits to really answer.

Jamie, exhausted from her lack of sleep the night before, struggles to keep her eyes open for even the first twenty minutes.

She wakes up to a heavy weight on her chest. She opens her eyes to find a mess of blonde hair there, Dani curled into her, clearly asleep. Jamie’s eyes grow wider when she notices Dani’s hand resting on her thigh, fingers clutching the hem of her pajama shorts.

She considers her options, decides moving and risking waking Dani is the worst of them.

She watches, instead, as the girl’s face twists slightly in her sleep. Her grip tightens around Jamie’s thigh for a moment, her hand flexing, then relaxing.

Jamie’s does her best not to let her mind wander as she waits for this to be over.

Dani is almost unbearably beautiful, like something out of this world, and yet here she is. Sleeping on her chest, the knuckles of her clenched fist brushing against Jamie’s bare thigh.

What had Jamie done that deserved this sort of punishment? What god had she offended along the way that had devised this very specific torture for her?

She turns her face to the window as she tries to quell the rising tide of frustration in her chest under Dani’s sleep-heavy head.

The street outside is nearly silent. The city looks beautiful, still. It’s either incredibly late or very, very early, judging by the lack of car horns and sirens, but Jamie can’t see the clock from her position on the couch.

The sky looks light, like the sun might rise soon.

Dani's arm shifts, sliding up around Jamie's waist to hug her even tighter. She can feel Dani's breath, hot and heavy against her chest. Jamie can’t believe that she's gotten herself into this mess.

She should’ve said no to Hannah. Or she should’ve said she was tired, turned down Dani when she asked if she wanted to watch a movie. She needs to be more careful. Too many more moments like this, and she’s not sure she’ll survive.

Jamie looks at Dani’s face, peaceful, and her stomach twists involuntarily.

She should be over this, should have the self control to not feel this way around Dani anymore. It’s been months, and if anything she’s just dug herself deeper.

Dani doesn’t have a lot of friends. She had told Jamie that herself, that she was important to her for that very reason.

Friendship is the only thing Dani wants from her.

Logically, she knows this.

She’s not sure why her brain can’t convince her heart it’s for the best to give it up.

Jamie doesn’t know what else to do.

* * *

At some point, she must have fallen back asleep, because she wakes to Dani stirring against her. Jamie looks down just in time to see the girl’s eyes blink open and look up at her.

“Hey,” Dani says. She sits up, stretching. "Sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep on you like that."

"Not a problem," Jamie says, hoping her voice doesn't sound too thin. She could blame it on sleep, probably, or the chill in the air.

“Wow, is it really morning?” Dani says, squinting at the light coming through the window. “Couch is much comfier with you on it.”

Dani’s cheeks are a little pink as she pushes her hair back. She wipes at her eyes, rubbing the sleep out of them.

Dani straightens on the couch, leaving some room between the two of them. She looks…she looks like she’s about to say something. Jamie watches her nervously, afraid to think what it might be.

But she just continues to look at Jamie.

“Breakfast?” Dani asks after a few too many seconds have gone by.

Jamie nods. She stands up, legs complaining as she straightens them. “I’ll make the tea.”

* * *

When Dani puts the plate down in front of her, Jamie can’t help but laugh despite her bad mood.

“What’s this?” Jamie asks.

Dani smiles. “It’s Valentine's Day!”

“And that calls for bits of toast cut into hearts?”

“Yes!”

* * *

Jamie spends so much of the day moping that it’s not until afternoon that she realizes Dani is doing the same. It looks different on her — less angst-ridden, more sullen.

“You alright there?” Jamie asks, watching as Dani stares at the same page for several minutes.

“Yeah,” Dani’s answer comes too quick. “I’m great.”

“Great,” Jamie repeats back at her. “Then why do I get the feeling I’m being lied to?”

Dani sighs as she puts down the book, tucking her knees into her chin.

“Going to tell me what’s going on?”

Jamie is prepared for many answers — that last night made Dani uncomfortable, that she’s thought about it and she doesn’t want to be friends with a convict — she’s not ready for one that has nothing to do with her at all.

“We were supposed to get married today, me and Eddie.”

The worry rushes out of Jamie, replaced by a nagging feeling of guilt. She really should’ve asked earlier. Of course it’s not about her — people don’t spend hours lost in thought about their _friends_.

“Oh,” Jamie says. “And that makes you feel…”

“Sad,” Dani says. “Very sad.”

“Do you regret leaving?”

“No.”

“Do you still… love him?”

Dani shakes her head. “I don’t think I ever did. It’s… it’s complicated, I guess.”

“Sounds it.”

Dani cracks a smile, shaking her head. “Remember how I told you we’d been together since middle school? You learn a lot about a person in that sort of time. They become your best friend, whether you’re in love with them or not. And I just… I miss him, I guess.”

“Right, of course,” Jamie says, even though she doesn’t really quite understand. She’s never had anyone like that.

“I can’t help but feel selfish, sometimes. Like I should’ve just gone along with it, like I could’ve learned to love him eventually. I hurt him so badly. I never wanted to.”

Dani’s eyes are brimming with tears, and Jamie isn’t sure what to do. She gets up off the arm chair and sits next to Dani. She takes it as a sign that she’s done the right thing when Dani immediately leans into her.

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being selfish when it comes to your life’s happiness, Poppins. I mean, you can’t be expected to live your life in misery just to make someone else happy. And don’t you think he deserves to be with someone who — I don’t know, loves him properly?”

“Yeah,” Dani nods against her shoulder. “He really, really does.”

“And so do you.”

Jamie doesn’t say anything more, just lets Dani lean on her for a few minutes, sniffling every so often.

Dani pulls back, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand.

“Thanks,” Dani says, voice still wet with tears. “You’re a good friend.”

“It’s what I’m here for,” Jamie says.

* * *

Jamie suggests they order take away that night. She phrases it like a craving — ‘I haven’t had good kung pao chicken in months’ — but she does it so that Dani doesn’t have to worry about anything for the rest of the night.

She finds a bottle of wine that she’s been saving for a special occasion, a Christmas gift from Hannah ages ago.

“Wow,” Dani says, impressed at the vintage. “Is this what living with a bartender is like?”

“First off, tonight, I’m a sommelier,” Jamie says. “And secondly… don’t get used to it, I only have this one bottle. The rest is the cheap stuff.”

“Oh.” Dani’s brow pinches. “I— I couldn’t, we don’t have to —“

Jamie waves off her concerns. “What better way to celebrate being single on Valentine’s?”

* * *

The bottle doesn’t last past dinner. Jamie isn’t sure who had more, until they’re curled up on the couch and Dani is being entirely too touchy.

She’ll have to remember this in the future — drunk Dani is a Dani with fewer inhibitions. Jamie thinks of New Years, how bold Dani had been that night.

_Yeah, best to keep things sober from now on._

For tonight, though, Jamie is just going to have to deal.

She has to deal with Dani’s eyes, shining more than usual as they watch Jamie pick out a movie for the night. She has to deal with how Dani sits too close, her side pressing against Jamie’s despite the empty cushion next to her.

Has to deal with Dani’s laugh, rich and warm, coming every few seconds at whatever ridiculously awful movie Jamie had put on.

Has to deal with Dani’s hand reaching for hers, fingers passing over Jamie's knuckles in a touch so light that Jamie would think she's imagining things if she wasn't seeing it with her own eyes.

She leaves it there for several minutes, and Jamie’s thoughts go to war.

 _Pull away,_ one says.

 _Turn your hand over,_ another argues.

 _Don’t move a goddamn muscle_ wins.

“I'm really glad I met you,” Dani says.

Jamie blinks, unsure of when the credits started rolling on the movie.

She drags her eyes up from Dani’s hand resting on hers to Dani’s face, illuminated by the scrolling text on the screen, waiting expectantly for Jamie to respond.

“Me too.” Jamie’s throat is too tight to let the words out properly, but Dani doesn’t seem to mind.

“Thank you for today. I’ve been dreading it for weeks. I don’t know how I would’ve…” Dani sighs. She leans forward until their foreheads are touching. Her hand squeezes Jamie’s, eyes fluttering closed. “You made it all bearable.”

Jamie is frozen in place.

Breathing is a lost art.

Dani’s keeps her eyes shut, letting Jamie search her face without fear of embarrassment. She’s looking for a sign that this is more than Dani being drunkenly affectionate with a friend. She doesn’t find one — though she’s not sure what that would look like, anyway — and after a seconds that last for minutes, Dani exhales an unsteady breath and pulls away.

Jamie’s heartbeat returns with a vengeance as she breathes in. She blinks, clearing the image of Dani’s face inches from hers from her mind.

“Another movie?” Dani offers, like she hadn’t just nearly killed Jamie.

Jamie just nods, forcing a smile on her face.

* * *

The rest of the week passes with little fanfare, much to Jamie’s relief.

Dani doesn’t argue when Jamie insists on sleeping on the couch — alone. She tucks herself into bed each night at around midnight, leaving Jamie to her thoughts and her lumpy down cushions.

Dani goes to work on Monday, giving Jamie a much-needed break from her overwhelming presence. She almost feels guilty about her need for a break, but decides she’s spent too much time feeling guilty about other things beyond her control lately to dedicate more time to those feelings.

Hannah calls her on Tuesday, just to check in.

“How’s life with Owen?” Jamie asks.

“Delightful,” Hannah says, and there’s something in her tone that has Jamie sticking out her tongue.

“Disgusting, you two.”

“And you? How’s life with Dani?”

“Great, yeah, very good. No complaints.”

Hannah’s silent for a few seconds. “And how about your feelings for her?”

“My what?”

“Oh, don’t play dumb with me, love.”

Jamie considers arguing for a second, but bites her tongue. “I’ve… I’ve got it under control. It’s just a little crush. More of a friendly thing, really.”

“A friendly crush?” Hannah repeats.

“Right.”

“If you say so.”

Jamie is thankful for the long cord on her phone, pacing the length of her kitchen while they talk. “Just… ah, do me a favor and don’t mention it to Owen, right? I don’t want word getting back to Dani, making things awkward.”

“She knows, right? That you’re a lesbian?”

Jamie rolls her eyes. Hannah is too protective, sometimes. “Yes, she knows.”

“Good. Shouldn’t have to hide that,” Hannah says. “I think it’s too late about Owen, though. He’s drawn his own conclusions.”

Jamie pinches her brow between her fingers. “Well, don’t encourage him, then.”

“Sure, love.”

* * *

Owen calls and invites Dani and Jamie to dinner with him and Hannah on Friday night. Jamie remembers her conversation with Hannah, her nerves swirling. She’s glad she has an excuse at the ready.

“I have work.”

“You could call in sick.”

“Are you telling me to _lie,_ Poppins? Not very teacherly of you, is it?”

“It’ll be fun,” Dani says with such certainty that Jamie doesn’t think she has it in her to argue.

The restaurant is nice, managed by another friend of Owen’s from the industry who is nice enough to give them a heavy discount.

“Drinks are on me,” Owen jokes — or at least, Jamie thinks he’s joking, until he orders a bottle of wine for the table.

One thing becomes clear within the first few minutes of their outing: Jamie has never seen Hannah smile this much in her life. At one point, when the pair are completely lost in each other, Dani leans over to Jamie.

“They’re cute,” she whispers. Jamie smiles, wonders if Dani is missing having someone like that. Had she ever looked at Eddie that way? Jamie is all but certain that her own eyes never shone quite like Hannah’s are now back when Jamie was looking at Viola.

She wonders how gone she looks whenever she looks at Dani, if her feelings are so obvious. Hannah and Owen had apparently both noticed on their own. Maybe Dani has too.

Jamie isn’t sure what to make of that thought, instead choosing to pour herself more wine. They finish off the first bottle before their salads arrive, and Owen wastes no time in ordering another.

It feels like a double date, a glimpse of a life that Jamie will never have, and she spends most of the night trying not to be miserable. She hasn’t had feelings quite this intense since she was a teenager, grappling with romance for the first time after ruling it out for years.

She hasn’t missed them.

Dani’s hand lands on her knee, squeezing until Jamie looks up at her.

“You good?” Dani asks, voice quiet, cheeks tinged from the alcohol. “We can get some air if you’d like.”

But Jamie shakes her head, plastering on a smile. “Just a bit too much wine on an empty stomach, I think. I’ll be fine once dinner comes around.”

Dani doesn’t press it, but her hand doesn’t leave Jamie’s knee, either, thumb working a small pattern against her leg for the rest of the evening.

* * *

After Hannah flies back to England, after Dani goes back home, Jamie knows that something’s got to change.

And she has to be the one to change it.

So she makes sure that when she does see Dani, it’s not alone, not when she can help it. Jamie can’t stop Dani from popping into the Manor from time to time, but she does her best to treat her the way she would anyone else, not lingering for more than a few minutes before making herself busy with work.

The glasses at the Manor have never been quite this polished.

She doesn’t say no when Dani invites her out to Owen’s restaurant, knowing that there, at least, there’s a friendly context there for her brain to focus on. She doesn’t want to lose Dani as a friend, after all, and doesn’t want Dani to confront why Jamie is pulling back. She needs to make a gentle retreat.

She can’t allow herself having Dani over to her flat again.

The domesticity she’d let herself to enjoy that week back in February haunts her.

She can wash it from her memory if she tries hard enough, she’s sure of it.

And if she can’t do that, the least she can do is distract herself from it. She starts going out to bars, the ones filled with people like _her_ , after work and on her days off. She doesn’t think anything will come of her hookups — in fact, she’s sure of it, given her heart’s current fascination — but it does dull the ache, at least a little.

* * *

“Hey, Jamie!” Jamie doesn’t have to look up to know Dani’s voice.

She does anyway, greeted by Dani’s wide grin. Jamie isn’t sure if it’s because she hasn’t seen Dani in more than a week, but she looks…

Great. Beautiful. Radiant.

“Poppins.”

The bar is empty, a chilly March night. Jamie isn’t really sure how the place manages to stay afloat with how often it’s just Jamie and Larry in here, particularly on weeknights. Speaking of…

“Isn’t it a school night?” Jamie asks.

Dani shakes her head. “Spring break starts tomorrow. I’m free!”

“Wow,” Jamie says. “A whole week off then? What’re you going to do?”

“I have some books to catch up on. I was hoping…” She stops to fidget with her hands, thumbs twisting over each other for a few beats. “Are busy tonight? I was thinking maybe we could go back to yours.”

Jamie looks up sharply at the choice of words Dani’s made, but Dani doesn’t seem to notice.

“We could split a bottle of wine, catch up? I’ve missed you.”

 _Back to yours_ plays on repeat in Jamie’s head for a few seconds. Of all the times she’s heard that in her life, it’s never been in the context Dani’s suggesting.

 _Friends, friends, friends,_ Jamie counters, trying to drown it out.

“I’ve actually got plans,” she says out loud.

“Hot date?” Dani’s smile is teasing, but careful, like she’s not sure she wants an answer to the question she just posed.

Jamie thinks back on their first conversation.

“I don’t know actually, haven’t seen her yet,” Jamie says, trying to remember the exact phrasing. She must have gotten it wrong, because Dani doesn’t laugh, just looks confused. “A friend of a friend set me up. Gonna grab some drinks, see where the night takes us, all that.”

“Oh!” Dani’s surprise looks more like sadness, and Jamie feels bad for avoiding her for the past few weeks. She clearly isn’t lying about missing her friend, even if Jamie can’t understand just what it is Dani sees in her. She doesn’t have much practice at the whole ‘friends’ thing.

“Well, another time maybe,” Dani suggests. “I…” Jamie thinks for a second that she’s about to repeat herself, tell Jamie she’s missed her again, but then Dani shakes her head. “I hope you have a good time.”

* * *

Jamie barely sees Dani at all towards the end of April.

It’s awful, because it doesn’t stop her from thinking about her every day.

Dani calls a few times to apologize.

“Everything’s just been so busy at school,” she says.

“It’s the standardized testing, they’re running us ragged.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I promise I’ll come by soon.”

She doesn’t.

* * *

Dani calls to tell Jamie that she’s going back to Iowa for her mother’s birthday in the beginning of May. It’s a trip that’s slated to last two weeks, and Dani promises they’ll see each other the second she’s back in the city.

“Don’t worry about it, Poppins. Have a nice trip,” Jamie tells her.

She spends most of the time miserable.

It’s the longest she’s gone without hearing Dani’s voice since their kiss on New Year’s and the silence that followed. Those days spent wondering if she’d done irreparable damage to whatever it is that’s been growing between them… it wasn’t something Jamie wanted to repeat.

Larry notices her bad mood after a few nights.

“Because the girl is gone, right? The one you’re always making eyes at?”

“I’m not — I’m not ‘making eyes’ at anyone, Larry.”

“I’m old, not blind,” he says.

“Do you want to drink or not?”

He shuts up after that.

* * *

Almost two weeks later, the phone rings. The shaky breathing on the other end of the line is the only hint that someone is there. It could be a prank call, or some creep, but Jamie has a feeling that it’s – 

“Poppins?”

“Sorry,” comes the reply. She’s crying, Jamie is sure of it, and her heart sinks.

“What’s happened? What’s wrong?”

“Sorry, this is – I know we haven’t been – I didn’t know who else to call.”

“S’okay, Dani. It’s fine. What’s going on? Do I need to beat someone up?”

Dani laughs, and Jamie feels a little better right away. Not something so serious, then, if Jamie can make her laugh through it.

“My mother is just… a lot,” Dani says.

“I know the feeling,” Jamie agrees, though she really doesn’t. She hasn’t seen her mother since she was a child, but even then the woman’s presence her life was nothing but toxic.

“She invited Eddie to dinner,” Dani explains. “And he thought I was there to see him, I guess, because he — he tried to kiss me.”

“Oh?” Jamie tries her best to hide the anger from her voice, knowing it’s not what Dani needs at the moment. Jamie doesn’t know Dani’s mother, but if she could get her hands on her right now…

“I, uh… I ran out. I’m calling from a payphone, actually.”

“Good for you. You don’t need that shit,” Jamie says resolutely. Something occurs to her. “Poppins… do you have my number memorized?”

“Of course I do – I call you more than my own mother.”

Jamie laughs, not sure what to do with that particular piece of information. “Well it sounds like she doesn’t deserve you, anyway. How much longer are you stuck there for?”

“I fly back in two days,” Dani says.

“Two days. You can handle that, right? Don’t need me catching the next flight out to Iowa to set some heads straight do you?”

“No, no, I’ll… I’ll be okay. I think I just needed to hear your voice.”

“Right,” Jamie says, closing her eyes and breathing out slow.

_Don’t read into it. She just needs a friend, and Owen’s likely been… busy._

“I miss you,” Dani says, pushes Jamie’s hopes closer to falling from the cliff they’re teetering on. “Are you okay?”

“Somehow holding up without you here,” Jamie says, and it sounds like she’s joking but she knows it’s more truthful than she’d like. She clears her throat. “Larry keeps asking where you’re at – I have him half convinced you’re a figment of his imagination.”

“Mean,” Dani says, and Jamie can still hear the tears in her voice even as she laughs.

“He misses you,” Jamie says. It’s close to what she wants to say, but not close enough, so she closes her eyes and admits, “I do too.”

“Two days,” Dani repeats back to her.

“Yeah.”

“I’ll see you then?”

“See you, Poppins.”

It’s not until she hangs up the phone that Jamie recognizes the feeling weighing heavy on her chest, a feeling that’s been barely hiding in the periphery, edging nearer and nearer every time she sees Dani, hears her voice, even thinks about her.

 _I love her,_ she thinks.

Then, _fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure what's possessed me to write at the speed I have been (maybe all the lovely comments), but let's hope it keeps up! 
> 
> If you'd like to talk I'm over on Tumblr at [@justawhitewall](https://justawhitewall.tumblr.com)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some warnings for this chapter: homophobia, and also Jamie hooking up with people other than Dani.

It’s a month later, and Jamie has made little progress towards getting over Dani. She’s been keeping herself occupied, of course, going out when she can. She’s stopped going to the bars, instead has a number of women who always seem to make themselves available when she wants them.

It seems a little cruel. When she was younger and more eager to experience the world, these sort of relationships were hard to come by. Now that they’re a replacement for what she really wants, they’re almost too easy.

Part of her wants to give up. It’s been months of depriving herself of Dani’s friendship and she doesn’t feel any better for it.

But the other part, the more rational part, knows that a few months isn’t a long time at all when it comes to love. She needs to give it a little more time.

A little more space, and she’s sure she’ll move right past this whole mess.

“I think I have to move back to Iowa.”

Not _that_ much space.

“What?!”

Panic starts to set in immediately.

Dani, leaving New York.

Dani, hundreds of miles away in a place Jamie would never, ever want to visit.

Dani, gone from Jamie’s life for good.

“Why, what — is something wrong with your mom?”

“No, no, nothing like that.” Dani bites her lip, glancing around the bar. “I shouldn’t be telling you this…”

Jamie frowns. She could’ve thought of that earlier, before she’d gone and dropped a bomb. Now she needs to deal with the fallout.

“Well, I think it’s too late for that,” she points out, and Dani, thank god, nods.

“Owen wants Hannah to move to New York. He’s going to ask her if he wants to get a place together when she’s out here for his birthday next week.”

“Oh.”

“And our lease is up in a month, and I don’t think I’ll be able to find a place by then, if _ever_ , because a teacher’s salary isn’t exactly easy to live off in the city, and —“

“Poppins, deep breath,” Jamie says, half to herself. This isn’t the end of the world. She can work with this. “You’ll just stay with me.”

She says it like it’s the most obvious thing in the universe, and in a way it is. Whatever the pain of having Dani be so close but so out of reach must be less than the pain of having Dani so very, very far, right? Especially if far means Iowa.

Jamie _never_ wants to go to Iowa.

“With you?” Dani frowns. “I don’t know, it’s… I don’t know how long it’ll take to find a place, never mind a roommate, and —“

“So… I’ll be your roommate then,” Jamie says. “We can find a place with some good light for the plants, yeah? I’m month-to-month anyway. We’ll get two bedrooms so neither of us has to sleep on my couch.”

“Your couch _is_ horrible.”

“I won’t tell him you’ve said so.”

“But Jamie — I love your place. _You_ love your place. I can’t ask you to give it up.”

“You’re not asking. I’m offering. Seriously, Dani, if it’s a choice between you a room away or a dozen states away, I’m going with the room, thank you.”

Dani’s mouth drops open, then breaks into a tiny smile. “Really?”

“Really. But don’t you scare me like that again.”

* * *

Hannah says yes. Part of Jamie is ecstatic, because this means no more months between seeing her oldest friend. The other part, the part that’s been quietly lecturing Jamie in the back of her mind, growing louder as each day creeps closer to Dani’s move-in… well, Jamie is still trying to ignore that part.

She shows up to Dani and Owen’s flat — or Owen and Hannah’s flat, for the time being — to help Dani move. They pack her things up in cardboard boxes that they know they won’t have the space to unpack for at least another month. Jamie’s cleared out as much space as possible for the boxes to sit and wait, knowing that Dani can’t afford a storage unit.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” Dani keeps asking.

“Too late now, isn’t it?” Jamie replies. “Of course it’s okay.”

She’s sure it’s a bad idea, but she’s also sure it’s the only one that will allow her to keep Dani in her life.So yeah, she’s okay with it.Owen keeps thanking her, Hannah keeps beaming at her, and yeah — she’s okay with it, _really_. It’s for the best for everyone.

Who cares if it does a little more damage to her lovelorn heart?

* * *

They take up their old routines established back in that week in February, except Dani doesn’t have as much work during the summer beside preparing for the year ahead.

On nights when Jamie is home, Dani cooks them dinner, and they settle in on the couch to watch a movie that Dani had found at a video store.

One night, just as they’re about to press play on another awful comedy, the phone rings.

“Probably Owen,” Dani says as she stands to get it. “He was having a critic at the restaurant tonight. I told him to call me if he’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

“Naturally.”

“Hello?” Dani answers. “Oh, yeah, she’s — Jamie, it’s for you? Someone named Trish?”

Trish?

Oh.

 _Trish_.

“Trish,” Jamie says into the phone, all too aware of the way her voice sounds. She glances over at Dani. Dani turns her head sharply downward, like she’d been watching Jamie.

“Long time no talk,” Trish says. “How are ya?”

Trish is — was — one of the girl’s Jamie had been seeing, for lack of a better word. She hadn’t spoken to her since Dani moved in three weeks ago.

“I’m… good,” Jamie says. “Can I help you with something?”

Trish laughs. “Not a good time?”

“As good as any,” Jamie says.

“Haven’t heard from you in a bit, figured I’d check in.”

“That’s… nice, actually,” Jamie says. “All good here, just been a bit busy. Sorry,” she finds herself adding. Because she kind of is — of all the women Jamie has spent time with in the last few months, Trish left the longest impression. She always got the feeling they could be friends, in a different time.

“Don’t be,” Trish says. “What are you doing Saturday? I know a place…”

When she hangs up, after they’ve made plans to meet after work at a bar Trish heard wasn’t awful, Jamie turns to find Dani staring at her.

“Girlfriend?” she asks.

Jamie raises her eyebrows. “I’m not really one for girlfriends.”

“Oh,” Dani says. “Then… a uh, friend?”

There’s something in the way she says it that makes Jamie laugh. Dani laughs too, after a moment, but like she’s not really sure why.

“Yeah, a friend, sure.”

Jamie thinks that maybe she can do this. Maybe it won’t be so bad after all. Maybe there’s still a chance that she could get over this, even with Dani invading her senses at every turn.

* * *

Dani spends the mornings with a newspaper open in front of her, looking at the apartment listings. After a week of nothing — too many one bedrooms and too many high-priced listings — she finds one worth going on a tour of.

Dani is in love with it from the second they step inside. It’s up far too many flights of stairs for Jamie’s liking, but she figures she’ll just have to get used to that when she sees how bright Dani’s smile shines.

“It’s beautiful,” Dani says.

The floors are wooden with plain white walls, marred by a few cracks towards the ceilings. There’s a single room, almost the size of Jamie’s studio, that houses the kitchen and living room. There’s a small balcony between the two, so tiny it might as well not be there. There’s a small bedroom for each of them, though only one with a window — “you can have that one, for your plants” — and a toilet with yellowing tile and a shower stall.

Jamie isn’t sure just what it is about the place that Dani loves so much until they’re settled in the day after the move.

“I could just see our life here,” she says, looking around at the mountains of boxes. “I could see me in the kitchen, you tending to your plants by the living room window. I can see us having Owen and Hannah here for dinner — I think we can fit a table in the kitchen, by the way.”

Jamie looks behind her, unsure if that’s true. She’s never been very good with interior design. Dani can handle most of that, if she’s willing.

She’s more than willing. Dani, it turns out, is a vulture when it comes to a bargain. She finds more furniture for them thrifted and second-hand than Jamie has in a lifetime.

By the end of July, it looks like a proper flat. There’s even pictures on the walls — of Owen, Hannah, and one of the four of them all together at Owen’s restaurant that Dani had insisted on getting printed up.

It’s a bit much for Jamie – another glimpse into a life she doesn’t have – but she doesn’t argue when she Dani comes home with it, framed in a plain black frame, and hangs it above the couch.

* * *

“Busy tonight?”

Trish calls her on a Thursday, Jamie’s day off from work.

“As it happens, I am not.”

Dani had gone out with Owen that night. He’d insisted, since they hadn’t gotten to spend much time together since Hannah moved in. Jamie was fine with it — a night away from Dani was good for the soul every once in a while.

Except Jamie was incredibly, terribly, excruciatingly bored without her here.

So when Trish calls — well, that’s just wonderful.

“My roommate isn’t home, if you want to come over.”

Jamie hasn’t had any women over to their new home yet. She rarely had women at her studio, either. There was something about inviting someone else into her space that made her itch, an uncomfortable and antsy feeling in the back of her mind.

But Trish… Trish is different. She’s carefree in a way that Jamie envies. She doesn’t judge, she doesn’t want — she just lives, and enjoys it.

She shows up at Jamie’s door with a bottle of whiskey.

“Nice place,” she says as she steps inside. “Not what I was expecting.”

“Rude,” Jamie says. “Expecting, what then, some dump?”

She shakes her head. “Nah, it’s nice. Homey.”

“That’s all Dani’s doing,” Jamie says, wincing when she realizes she’s brought her up in less than a minute of Trish’s being here. She tries her best not to around women, especially Trish. Trish is sharp — she’s sure to notice Jamie’s feelings if she talks about Dani at any length.

“Your roommate?” Trish says, continuing the conversation naturally.

Jamie decides to stop it the only way she knows how.

She kisses her. It feels strange, in the middle of the apartment. Exposed, somehow.Trish responds eagerly, her hands sliding up into Jamie's hair. She keeps trying to deepen it, to push Jamie up against the wall, against the counter, but Jamie can't get into it, can't shake the feeling that she's doing something wrong.

"C'mon," she says pulling back. "Room is this way."

They head into the bedroom, where, thank god, things feel right. Behind closed doors, Jamie comes alive. The hands on her body are what she needs, what she craves.

With Trish beneath her on her bed, she can forget about Dani.With Trish’s fingers digging into her hips, she can forget she’s in love. With her head between Trish’s thighs, she can forget about —

The door opens. “You will _not_ believe what — oh!”

Jamie practically falls onto the floor.

“Oh my — oh my god, I’m so sorry.” Dani is standing in the doorway, a hand covering her eyes.

Jamie scrambles to find her shirt, lost somewhere in the bed covers. “Shit, Poppins, do you not knock?”

“No, yes, I mean, I —“ Dani turns on her heel. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’ll just…”

“Fuck,” Jamie says once the door is closed.

Trish is grinning. “Not your girlfriend, I take it, or there’d be a lot more shouting right now. So… your roommate?”

“Yeah.”

“She know you sleep with women?”

“Knows I _fancy_ women, I don’t think she’s thought all that much about what I do with them behind closed doors.”

“If she did, she’d probably knock.”

“Fuck,” Jamie repeats, dropping her head into her hands.

“What, you in love with her or something?” Trish says it as a joke, but when Jamie looks over at her seriously, her smile dims. “Oh. Shit.”

“Yeah,” Jamie says. Here comes her least favorite part, the reason she doesn’t _get involved_ all that often. Conversations like ‘what do we mean to each other’ aren’t her speciality, especially when her answer is ‘nothing.’

“Shit. That sucks, I’m sorry.”

“You’re — you’re what?”

“We’ve all been there,” Trish says, sitting next to her on the bed. “Hopeless crush on a straight friend. Classic. It’s the worst.”

Jamie nods. “It’s not great.”

“Have you tried _not_ being in love with her?”

Jamie rolls her eyes. “More times than I can count.”

“Damn.”

“Yeah,” Jamie says. “So, guess that’s it for —“ she gestures between the two of them, not wanting to finish her sentence with a definition like ‘us.’

Trish tilts her head. “Is it?”

“I’m… sensing a no?” Jamie is confused.

“I see no reason why we can’t just keep doing this,” Trish says, trailing a hand up Jamie’s arm. “There were never any strings attached. I don’t really care _why_ you’re sleeping with me, so long as you still want to.”

“Are you sure?”

“Monogamy is overrated,” Trish says, leaning over to kiss Jamie. “Besides, maybe it’ll make your girl jealous.”

“She’s not my —“ Jamie starts, but Trish’s lips on hers cut her off.

* * *

Trish leaves after midnight. Jamie peaks her head out the door, relieved when she sees the living room is dark and empty. The awkward conversation she’s dreading will stem from this can wait a few more hours.

That means, however, that she doesn’t sleep well. Dread will do that to you. She spends the night replaying the look on Dani’s face — horrified, really — after walking in on them.

She tries not to take offense. It means nothing, of course, about Dani’s feelings on the matter of Jamie’s sexuality. She’s sure she would be equally disgusted if she walked in on Hannah and Owen.

Still, Jamie can’t help but feel like she’s done something wrong. Dani doesn’t even know about her feelings for her, and Jamie feels like she’s betrayed them.

It’s ridiculous, really, but it’s enough to keep Jamie up all night.

When Jamie comes out the next morning, Dani is sitting at the table, looking thoroughly distressed. She wonders if Dani didn’t get any sleep either.

Jamie clears her throat, and Dani springs to her feet.

“I’m really, really sorry.” No preamble, no awkward dancing around it. Straight to the point.

Jamie bites down her own apology, knowing she has nothing to be sorry about, not when it comes to things she does behind the door of her own bedroom.

“All good,” Jamie says. “No harm.”

“I didn’t know you had company. I mean, obviously, I didn’t or else I would have never —“

“It’s alright, Dani,” Jamie says, trying to convey her seriousness with the use of Dani’s proper name. “You didn’t know. I didn’t know you’d be home so early, otherwise I never would’ve had Trish over.”

“Trish,” Dani repeats, the name rolling over her tongue like it’s meaningful. “Right. The girl from the phone.”

“Yeah,” Jamie says, having forgotten all about that.

“Is she your… are you guys… together?”

“God, no.” Jamie shakes her head. “I’ve sworn of relationships.”

“Since Viola?”

Jamie nods. Since Viola, yes, but also since Dani. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone for her to get involved. “Right. Keep it casual.”

Dani presses her lips together for a moment. “I’ve never done that. I mean, obviously I’ve never done that, I’ve really only been with Eddie.”

“Still?” Jamie asks, tilting her head. She’s surprised, with the number of dates Dani had been going on when they first met. “You should try it sometime. Dust off the cobwebs.”

Dani scrunches her nose. She doesn’t seem to like that metaphor. “Ugh.”

She remembers the way Dani had recoiled at the idea of kissing a stranger on New Year’s Eve. Then she remembers who she _had_ kissed at midnight, and forces herself to keep talking before she gets lost in thought.

“It doesn’t have to be straight into bed,” Jamie says. “But it would probably be good, if you were interested that is, to get some experience in that department. Could be fun. More fun than old Eddie, anyway.”

Dani hasn’t held anything back when it comes to discussing her life with Eddie. He was… boring, frankly, in every sense of the word. To hear Dani tell it, nothing he did really worked for her. She didn’t say so in so many words — and thank god, because Jamie had struggled to contain her blush throughout the discussion, even with the vaguest of terms.

“You’re telling me I should get back out there?”

Jamie shrugs. “I think… it’d be a shame if you didn’t.”

Dani’s beautiful. She deserves the world, someone who will make her feel as gorgeous as she is. Even if that person isn’t Jamie.

“Got anyone in mind?”

Her voice is soft, curious.

Jamie shrugs. “No one you’d be interested in. Men aren’t exactly my, uh, forte.”

“Right. Of course.”

* * *

It takes nearly a week for Dani to stop being quite so awkward around Jamie after The Incident.

She knocks, loudly, now, so that’s a boon at least. She lets Jamie answer the phone, in case it’s Trish again (it is, once or twice, but Jamie doesn’t have Trish come back over — even if Dani isn’t home).

Dani even gives Jamie an unusual amount of space when in each other’s space. She sits on the other end of the couch now instead of pressed next to Jamie, something which Jamie decides it’s best not to look too deep into.

It doesn’t have to mean anything, doesn’t necessarily imply that Dani looks at her differently now that she’s seen Jamie in bed with a woman — even if she sort of does. She finds Dani staring more often now, lost in thought. There’s always a small crinkle in her brow, her lip often caught between her teeth.

What Jamie wouldn’t give to know just what it is going on inside Dani Clayton’s mind.

It would set her at ease to know that she hadn’t ruined things for good.

But eventually, it all starts to go back to normal.

Until Jamie comes home from work the following Saturday, Dani isn’t in her usual spot on the couch, or standing in the kitchen.

Dani appears to not be home. Jamie sits down alone for the first time in a long time. It’s just when she starts to wonder where Dani might be — out with Owen, maybe, or Hannah even — when she hears it.

Moaning.

Dani’s, specifically.

_Oh god._

Jamie should’ve known this was a possibility when she’d agreed to move in with her. There are things people like do to in the privacy of their own homes — Jamie included — and walls are thin in a flat like this. She herself had encouraged Dani to find someone, to engage in something casual.

_Oh god._

It’s quiet, but it’s obvious now that Jamie’s noticed. Small little sounds, coming from Dani’s bedroom.

Jamie stands, paces, unsure of what to do. She could go into her bedroom, but she knows Dani’s bed is against the same wall as her own. Living room is safest, she figures, even if that means she might have an awkward run-in with whoever it is Dani has in there.

Jamie finds her old headphones and puts them over her ears. Her Walkman does its best to drown out the noise, but it’s playing on a loop in Jamie’s head anyway.

Dani.

Moaning.

_Jesus Christ._

When her cassette is finished, Jamie cautiously removes the headphones from her ears. Silence. Thank fuck.

They must’ve fallen asleep, Jamie figures as she gets off the couch. She walks over to the kitchen, pours herself a heavy glass of scotch. She deserves it, she figures.

She gets an ice cube from the freezer and drops it into her tumbler. She swirls it inside of the glass, watching as it melts away in the alcohol.

Dani’s door opens.

Jamie stiffens, suddenly aware that she’s about to meet just whoever Dani deemed good enough to bring home that night, for the first time ever. But when she turns around, she finds only Dani standing in the door.

“Thought I heard you,” Dani says. Jamie looks over at the fridge, cursing it and its heavy doors. “You just get home?”

“Yeah,” Jamie says, nodding quickly. “Yeah, just got off.” She closes her eyes, realizing that her word choice might not be the best for the moment. “You, uh, have a good night?”

Dani smiles, soft. She’s dressed in pajamas, not exactly date attire. Jamie subtly peeks behind her into Dani’s room as she rounds the counter, surprised when she finds it empty.

“Pretty good, yeah,” Dani says.

She sits down on the couch, gestures for Jamie to join her. Jamie obliges, still lost in thought. She didn’t expect Dani to have it in her, not that she’s judging. It’s only natural, of course. Just… surprising.

She’s equally surprised when Dani scoots over on the couch so they’re sitting together, legs pressed against one another’s in a closeness she hasn’t been allowed in a week now.

“I missed you,” Dani says. “How was work?”

“Status quo.” Her voice sounds funny. Does it sound funny? She thinks it sounds funny. She clears her throat, willing it to go back to normal. “Nothing special. You have something you want to watch?”

Dani nods. “I was waiting for you to get home to start,” she says, and Jamie practically faints. “It’s not a romance this time, so you might even actually like it.”

It’s a kind gesture, but it’s lost on Jamie, who spends the rest of the night fighting her own damn imagination.

* * *

“My birthday is next weekend,” Dani announces one afternoon before Jamie’s shift. “I didn’t mention it earlier because I don’t really like to celebrate…”

“I sense a but coming on?”

“But my mom is insisting on visiting me. She wants to see my new place, and — and meet you.”

“Oh,” Jamie says. She has, if she’s being honest, absolutely no desire to meet the woman who has caused Dani so much pain, who Dani can’t mention without making an expression that’s a heartbreaking mix between angry and hurt.

It’s the expression she’s wearing now as she wrings her hands in front of Jamie.

“Is that okay? She called earlier and she wouldn’t stop asking until I agreed, but I can —“

“It’s fine,” Jamie stops her. “It’s more than fine, I just… worry she’s going to ruin your birthday is all.”

“Like I said, I don’t really celebrate it. It’s more an excuse for her to come and check in on me, I think. She never really liked Owen.”

“I think you’ll find I’m exceptionally good with parents,” Jamie says in a teasing voice. It’s not necessarily true — she’s never met anyone’s parents in the context implied by her tone — but it’s enough to make Dani blush, and that’s enough for her.

“Great,” Dani nods, her hands smoothing over an invisible wrinkle in her skirt. “That’s great. So she’ll be here on Tuesday.”

“Wow, she didn’t give you a lot of notice, huh?”

“Never does.”

“And your birthday is what day?”

“Friday.”

Jamie makes a mental note to take off work that night. Celebrating or not, no way she’ll let Dani spend her birthday alone with her monster of a mother.

* * *

Jamie thinks Karen Clayton is a bitch.

It’s not the language she’d normally use to describe someone she’s only just met, but if anyone deserves it, it’s Dani’s mother.

The day she arrives is marked by a noticeable decline in Dani’s mood. Jamie finds her sitting at the table in the kitchen, staring at the wall, a cold mug of coffee in her hands.

“Alright there?” she asks. It takes Dani a second to stir, eyes lifting to Jamie’s.

“Great.” A forced smile, but Jamie will take it. “Messed up the coffee again.”

“You meeting your mom at the airport?” she asks.

Dani nods. “Yeah. I have to leave in twenty.”

“No time for breakfast then,” Jamie notes. “How about I fix you another cup for the road?”

Jamie’s not the best with coffee, but she’s leagues ahead of Dani compared to tea, so she doesn’t feel so bad.

Dani drags her feet out the door, telling Jamie that she wouldn’t blame her if she left for the day, found something to keep herself busy so she doesn’t have to be around Dani’s mother. She insists that it’s fine — “good with parents, remember?” — but Dani looks at her like she doesn’t know what she’s getting herself into.

When Karen walks into the apartment, Jamie can see why.

Her hair is the same light blonde as Dani’s, her eyes just as blue, but that’s where the similarities stop. Her face is etched with frown lines beyond her years. She smells like cigarettes and Macy’s perfume. And she sneers as she walks through the door.

“Mom, this is Jamie —“

“The woman my daughter won’t stop talking about,” Karen says, like it’s the worst thing in the world for Dani to have a friend.

“Pleasure,” Jamie says, sticking out her hand.

Karen takes it, shakes it once, then drops it.

“How… quaint,” she says in a drawl as she takes in the apartment. “And you pay how much for this?”

“It’s New York, mom,” Dani reminds her. “This is a great place for the price.”

“Could have a three- bedroom home in Iowa with a mortgage half of what you’re paying here,” Karen says, in a voice that says that she’s not expecting a response.

Jamie makes a face at Dani over Karen’s shoulder. Dani grins in return, and Jamie doesn’t regret her decision to stick it this out at all.

* * *

When Karen excuses herself to take a shower, Dani walks over to Jamie in the living room, voice low.

“I’d like to have a couple of people over Friday after my mom leaves, if that’s okay,” Dani asks. “Owen is insisting we celebrate — both my birthday, and her going back to Iowa.”

“It’s your birthday, of course it’s okay,” Jamie says. “How many people is a couple? I can grab a few bottles from the Manor, no one will miss them.”

“Well, Owen, a couple of his friends… you, duh.” Dani pauses, thinking something over. “You could invite Trish, if you want?”

“Oh,” Jamie says, because that’s the last place her mind was at. “Yeah, that’d be — that’d be great, sure.”

* * *

Jamie puts off calling Trish until Thursday. She doesn’t expect her to say yes, of course, but Dani keeps asking if she’d invited her and for some reason Jamie can’t quite bring herself to explain to Dani that this thing she and Trish do — it’s not the sort of relationship where you attend social functions together.

Not that Jamie doesn’t like Trish. She did always think they could be friends, if they weren’t doing… this. But Jamie is pretty good on friends at the moment, for the first time in her life actually.

But Thursday night, Dani asks again, and Jamie can’t find an excuse not to call.

So she does.

“Hello?”

“Hi. It’s um, me.” Jamie feels oddly nervous. Dani’s eyes are watching her. “I, er, I have a bit of a proposition for you?”

“I’m interested,” Trish says. Jamie can practically hear her smirk through the phone line.

“My roommate Dani — you remember her —“ Jamie can’t help but shoot a teasing glance Dani’s way, which is returned with a half-baked smile. “Her birthday is tomorrow, and she’s having a party. Was wondering if you’d like to attend?”

Jamie expects her to say no. She half-expects this to be the end of their arrangement, Trish taking it as a sign that things are more serious for Jamie than they are for her.

“Still looking to make her jealous?” Trish says with a laugh.

“What? No!” Dani frowns at the sudden exclamation, and Jamie tries to play it cool. “I just, uh, I’d love to see you, that’s all.”

“Uh-huh. Sure. Will there be booze?”

“Plenty.”

“Then I’m in. What time?”

“Around nine good?”

“Yeah,” Trish says. “What are you doing tonight?”

“Tonight? I’m…” Jamie looks around the room. Karen has just taken a seat next to Dani on the couch. Maybe she could use a little break from all this madness. “I’m not doing anything, actually.”

“I have a car. I could come pick you up?”

Jamie wants to say no, but the idea of being jammed in the subway in July if it isn’t strictly necessary isn’t terribly appealing. “Yeah, that would be alright. I’ll see you soon?”

“See you.”

Jamie hangs up, unsure what to make of Trish. Her casual, carefree nature nearly puts Jamie to shame.

“Who was that?” Karen asks.

Dani shoots a glare at her mother, ready to tell her to mind her own business, but Jamie plasters on a smile. “A friend. I’m going to go out for a bit. You’re good here, yeah?”

Dani nods. “Great.”

Trish doesn’t take long to show up. It’s a half hour later when there’s a knock at the door. Jamie’s barely had time to get ready, but she figures at this stage, Trish isn’t going to judge her.

“Hey,” Trish says with an easy smile when the door swings open. “Long time no see.”

Her hands are around Jamie’s waist before she knows it, a kiss landing just off Jamie’s mouth.

Jamie doesn’t miss the way Karen’s face darkens.

“Don’t wait up,” she says to Dani as she closes the door behind her.

* * *

“Where are we going?” Jamie asks once they’re outside.

Trish shrugs. “I don’t really care. I just wanted to discuss _plans.”_

“Plans?”

“For operation get-the-girl or whatever.”

“Operation — what?”

“You call me out of the blue and invite me to your roommate’s birthday party?” Trish crosses her arms, shakes her head. “We both know that’s not what we do. I’d think you were getting feelings for me, if you hadn’t already told me you’re in love with that one,” she says, nodding up at the building.

Jamie follows it, nervous that Dani could somehow hear them.

She starts walking.

“I don’t like the whole… messing with people’s feelings, thing. Not that there _are_ any feelings. But if there were, I wouldn’t want them to come up through jealousy.”

“So, what then? Why invite me?”

Jamie runs a hand over her face. “Because Dani wanted me to. Trying to prove how okay she is with me being gay, I think.”

“I can think of a few better ways she could — ow!” Jamie shoves her playfully. “Okay. So no putting on a show for her. She’s already got plenty of that, anyway. But she clearly thinks we’re together. Do you want me to… I don’t know, play along?”

“You’d do that?” Jamie frowns.

“Not like it’d be hard work. You’re kind of gorgeous.”

“True,” Jamie says, smirking. It’s Trish’s turn to push her. “It would be nice to have someone there in case things get a bit — much. Dani gets pretty touchy when she’s drunk. Bet she wouldn’t if she thought my _girlfriend_ was there, seeing red.”

“See? Plans are good. Now, where are we drinking?”

* * *

They stay out until the wee hours of the morning. Jamie enters the flat as quietly as she can, trying not to disturb Dani as she sleeps on the couch. Why she’d give up her bed to that _witch_ is beyond her.

She tries to catch a few hours of sleep, but it’s not coming easily. When the sun rises, she decides it’s time to give up. Her head is pounding as she pours herself a glass of water in the kitchen, popping a few ibuprofen into her mouth.

She doesn’t think she could deal with Karen Clayton with this headache, so she goes for a walk around the block as she waits for the medicine to take hold.

When she gets back, she approaches the door quietly, assuming it’s still too early for either of the Clayton women to be awake.

“So she’s gay, then?”

Clearly, she was wrong.

She knows that tone of voice, dripping with condescension, has heard it plenty of times whispered behind her back or shouted to her face. She could’ve expected as much from Dani’s mother the moment she saw her, but Jamie doesn’t like to make snap judgements — unlike some people.

“Yes,” Dani’s reply is short, curt.

“You could’ve told me you’re living with a _lesbian_.”

“Why? Would you have stayed home?” Jamie can picture the way Dani must look challenging her mother, her hands on her hips and a disappointed curve to her mouth.

“Doesn’t that make you uncomfortable?” Karen asks, avoiding the question.

“Why would it?”

“I just worry about her influence on you, honey.”

“You don’t have anything to worry about.”

“And you’re not —“

“Mom.” Dani’s voice is a warning.

“I just want to make sure that my daughter isn’t making any bad decisions,” Karen says.

Jamie’s blood begins to boil. Insult her all you like, sure, she’s heard it a thousand times over, but leave Dani out of it.

“I’m not,” Dani says. “Jamie and I are just friends.”

“Good, that’s a relief. But still, you should have some say on what goes on inside your own apartment.”

“It’s Jamie’s apartment too, and I’m not going to tell her how to live her life, mom. Especially when there’s not —“

“I mean, people will just assume that you’re one of _them_ if you’re hanging around with a girl like that. Honestly, Dani, I thought I raised you with more sense.”

Dani scoffs, muttering something that Jamie can’t hear through the door.

“What did you just say?”

“Nothing.”

“I didn’t raise you? Because Danielle, I swear —“

Jamie decides she’s heard enough. This is going to turn into a major argument if she doesn’t step in. She turns her key in the lock, leaving enough time to be sure she’s been heard before she swings the door open.

Dani is leaning against the kitchen counter with her arms crossed, her face red with anger. Karen, somehow, looks almost pleasant.

“Good morning,” she says, as if she hadn’t just been telling Dani that Jamie was some great corrupting force, here to turn her precious daughter gay.

“Hello,” Jamie says as cordially as she can.

“You slept out?” Dani asks, voice tinged with desperation. Leaving the two of them alone may not have been the right move after all.

Jamie shakes her head. “I went for a walk. Wanted to grab some stuff for tonight but I, um...“ Jamie scrambles for an excuse. “I forgot my wallet.”

“Need help?” Dani offers, hopeful.

More time alone with her mother is probably the last thing she wants, judging by that last conversation. “Could use an extra set of hands.”

“Great. Mom, you make yourself comfortable. We’ll be back in an hour, tops.”

Jamie lights up a cigarette as soon as they’re outside. Dani watches her closely, and Jamie wonders if she should offer her one. Dani hasn’t smoked the entire time she’s known her, but she looks like she could use the relief right now.

“So,” Jamie says around a puff of smoke, “how’s Mommie Dearest?”

Dani snorts. “She’s a treat, as always.”

“She’s not so bad — when she’s not worried about me corrupting your good nature or whatever.”

Dani stops in her tracks. “You heard that?”

Jamie shrugs, not wanting it to seem like she’d been eavesdropping. “Some. She was being a bit loud about it.”

“I’m so sorry,” Dani says.

“Why? You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I would never… I hope you know that I– I don’t think like her.”

“I know,” Jamie says, because she does. Dani has had plenty of opportunities to run at this point. If she’d had a problem with Jamie’s attraction to women, she could’ve distanced herself long ago.

She pushes down the thoughts saying that if Dani knew of Jamie’s love for _her_ , it might be a different story.

“Do you? Because you seem…” Dani gestures with her hands in a meaning lost on Jamie. She’s holding herself further away from Jamie than usual, frantic energy radiating off her.

Jamie takes a long drag of her cigarette, reflecting. It’s not the first time she’s had someone judge her for being a lesbian. In fact, it was mild, as far as that sort of thing goes. She realizes after a moment that Dani is still staring at her, waiting for an answer. She shrugs.

“Just bad memories, that’s all.”

“I can kick her out.”

“What?”

Dani is nodding. Her eyes fall to the ground, brow furrowed as she thinks of a plan. “Make her get a hotel for this last night, or just send her back home a day early, I don’t care I just —“

“Don’t be ridiculous, Poppins.”

Dani looks up, expression sharp. “I’m not being ridiculous. She doesn’t have a right to make you feel like that, not in your own house.”

Jamie smiles, and it feels surprisingly genuine given the circumstance. “I appreciate that. But it matters much more to me what you think than your mother.”

Dani lets out a breath, some of the tension slipping off her shoulders. “Good. Because I… I think you’re the best thing to happen to me in a really long time.”

“The feeling is mutual,” Jamie says, though she knows her feelings are anything but. “Now, let’s get us some party supplies, shall we? Before your mum thinks we’re up to no good.”

* * *

Jamie isn’t sad to see Karen Clayton go. The relief is palpable as soon as she leaves the apartment with her overstuffed suitcase.

“I wish I could stay another night,” she says, looking woefully at Dani. “Leaving on your birthday is such a shame. But the flights were so much more expensive tomorrow.”

Little does she know, her leaving is probably the best present Dani’s going to get. Jamie tries to get the apartment ready when Dani leaves to accompany Karen to the airport that afternoon.

They haven’t had people over their place yet, and she’s oddly nervous.

Owen volunteered to make all the food that night. Dani mentioned that he needs to get a few things in the oven before guests arrive, so Jamie isn’t surprised when she opens the door to Owen and Hannah before Dani gets back from the airport.

“Jamie, you look wonderful,” Owen says, bubbly as ever as he enters the apartment. “And the place! It looks fantastic.”

“Lovely, dear,” Hannah agrees.

“Where should I put this?” Owen asks, holding up a large platter that Jamie can only assume has a cake underneath the lid.

“Wow, a chef and he can bake? You’re a lucky woman,” Jamie says to Hannah as he sets it down in the kitchen.

“Don’t tell him that, he doesn’t need the boost to the ego.”

When Dani arrives home twenty minutes later, she looks exhausted.

“Those were the longest four days of my life,” she says after hugging Hannah and Owen. She leans against the counter, hair still sticking to her forehead from the July sweat.

“Mine too,” Jamie agrees. She says it as a joke, not to make Dani feel bad, but she still looks over at Jamie with pity.

“I’m sorry. I owe you, big time.”

“Not tonight, birthday girl,” Jamie says. “Tonight is all about you. Go get dressed, I’ll fix you a drink.”

* * *

The party is a bit more people than Jamie was expecting. Dani, for her part, looks incredibly pleased. Jamie figures she’s met most of these people at one point or another, on nights spent out with Owen or before Jamie even knew her, maybe.

Some, Jamie recognizes from the New Year’s Party. Most, she doesn’t.

She doesn’t really care, not when Dani finds her standing awkwardly in the corner and tells her she’ll introduce her. Dani holds her hand the whole time she leads her around the room. Jamie feels like she’s floating.

Dani only drops it when Trish arrives.

“Sorry I’m late,” Trish says, leaning in and kissing Jamie on the cheek. She turns to Dani. “Happy birthday. I hope you like wine?”

She holds out a bottle like a peace offering, and Jamie wonders if maybe Trish has forgotten their conversation the other day about not playing up the ‘girlfriend’ angle.

“Of course, thank you!” Dani is drunk already, judging by the pink tinges of her ears, and Jamie thinks she probably should’ve made those first few drinks a bit lighter. A hangover doesn’t seem like the best way to turn twenty-seven.

Still, Dani appears to be having fun, and far be it from Jamie to stop her.

Jamie, on the other hand is entirely out of her element. The room keeps filling with more and more people as the night goes on. It’s hot, and sweaty, and all a bit overwhelming to Jamie, especially with the number of drinks she’s had.

When Owen drags Dani off for another round of shots, Jamie thinks it might be time to take a moment to herself. She excuses herself to Trish and slips out onto the balcony. She’s suddenly grateful for how tiny it is, utterly unappealing to most party-goers.

She lights up a cigarette and stares out into the city lights. It’s early for New York. There’s still plenty of life below, and Jamie lets her buzz wash over as she stands there, listening to it all.

"I was wondering where you ran off to.”

Jamie turns to find Dani, closing the sliding door behind her.

The balcony is cramped with two people on it. Jamie leans against the rail, not trusting her body with the nearness of Dani, not with the alcohol coursing through her veins.

Jamie shrugs. "Needed some air."

"Then why are you smoking?"

"Touché." She stubs out the cigarette against her shoe. "You having a good time?"

“Wonderful. Thank you,” Dani says. “This is a really nice night.”

“It was all Owen,” Jamie says, but Dani is shaking her head.

“No, no, no. It’s you. It’s always you. You’re always doing such nice things for me. You’re the best, you know? My — my best friend,” she says with a firm nod.

“That right?” Jamie asks, grinning at Dani’s slurred words.

“Thank you for letting me move in with you, and for putting up with my mother, and for this party.” She sighs, leaning closer to Jamie. “I just don’t know what my life would be like if I had never met you.”

Dani is clearly too drunk to be having such a serious conversation. She’s usually not shy about how much she appreciate Jamie, but this, this is…

“Okay, there,” Jamie says, grabbing her by the arms as she sways. “Had a bit much, have we?”

This seems to be the wrong thing to say. Dani straightens, looking at her seriously.

“No,” she says. “I mean it. I wish you could see how wonderful you are.” A smile spreads across her face — wide and hopeful. “I wish I could be more like you. You’re beautiful, Jamie.”

Jamie laughs, though it sounds strained. “And you’re drunk.”

This offends Dani further. “That doesn’t make it any less true.” Her hands find Jamie’s face, and Jamie’s fingers tighten at Dani’s elbows, holding her steady. “You’re like … a sunrise. Or like the first snow, when it falls on everything, soft. Beautiful.”

She takes another step toward Jamie, the gap between them now an inch at most, then pauses. Her eyes fall to Jamie’s lips.

“Beautiful,” she repeats for a third time, eyes fluttering closed.

Jamie’s heart drops into her stomach as Dani leans forward. Dani pauses again, hovering centimeters from Jamie’s face, eyes still closed. One second, two. Jamie can feel Dani’s breath, her heartbeat. It’s everywhere.

And then —

The door slides open loudly. “There you are.”

It’s Trish. When Jamie glances back at Dani, her eyes are on the ground. Dani’s hands are back at her sides, clenched into fists.

Jamie’s heart sinks, settling somewhere between her knees.

“Here I am,” Jamie says. “We were just —“

“Getting friendly?”

Trish’s voice has a teasing lilt to it.

Dani must miss it entirely.

“I’m sorry,” she says, stepping as far away from Jamie as she can on the small balcony. “I’m…”

She doesn’t finish her sentence, instead squeezing past Trish and going inside.

“Did I interrupt?” Trish asks, smirking.

“Shut it,” Jamie responds. “Fuck, I think she’s upset.”

Dani had almost kissed her. She was drunk, and it was a moment of affection between friends that had gotten out of hand, sure – but she had almost done it. Jamie can't stop replaying it in her mind. Dani looking at her lips, closing her eyes, leaning in. She had almost _kissed_ Jamie. If Trish hadn't walked out onto the balcony... 

Jamie shivers despite the warm July air.

“She looked a little shaken, yeah.” 

“What did you want, anyway?”

Trish shakes her head. “Never mind, you need me to be your buffer.”

Jamie notices one of Owen’s friends staring at them through the glass panes. He’d tried to introduce her to Jamie months back, but she looked a bit too much like an ex Jamie was determined to forget.

“Oh. Theo, huh?”

Trish shrugs. “Figured you wouldn’t mind. Might destroy my good girlfriend image though.”

“I don’t think you ever had one,” Jamie says with a mirthless laugh. “You can go. Really, have fun. Thank you for coming.”

“Any time.” Trish pauses at the door. “And Jamie?”

“Yeah?”

“I think maybe your hopeless crush isn’t so hopeless after all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! The response to this fic has been incredible so far. Thank you to everyone who's commented, left kudos or bookmarked, and messaged me on tumblr! You're the bomb. Just hang in there with me a little... bit... longer... :) 
> 
> No really though, I feel like we made some actual progress this chapter. It only took twenty thousand words. If you'd like to talk to me about it, I'm on Tumblr at [@justawhitewall](https://justawhitewall.tumblr.com)


	4. Chapter 4

Dani doesn't come out of her room until past noon the next day.

Jamie spends the morning cleaning, amazed at what a mess a group of grown ass adults can make. She needs to do something with her energy, so she’s happy for the task. If she was left alone with her thoughts after last night, she’s pretty sure she’d lose her mind.

Dani’s door opens just as Jamie is almost finishing up.

“Morning,” Dani says when she emerges, raising a hand to block her face from the sunlight of the kitchen window.

“Missed that mark,” Jamie says. “Quarter past twelve.”

“Really?” Dani looks at the clock. “Jesus.”

“How you feeling?” Jamie ventures, cautious. There’s no trace of leftover panic on Dani’s face after last night, which she supposes is a good sign. She didn’t like how upset Dani was when she ran after their kiss-that-wasn’t.

She pushes down the replay of that image for what feels like the hundredth time in the past twelve hours.

“My mouth tastes… bad.” Dani sticks out her tongue, and Jamie laughs.

“Probably all the drinks you let Owen make you. He tried to give me one, it was just awful. I now know why you made the punch at New Years.”

Dani laughs, no sign of her distress from the night before. Jamie's okay with that. Maybe they'll just move past it. She can definitely move past it. She can forget about Dani’s hand on her face, her eyes on her lips, her —

“You didn't have to do all this,” Dani says, waving a hand at the now-clean living room.

“Think I'd make you clean up your own birthday party?” Jamie shakes her head. “There’s a pot of coffee on. Thought you might need it.”

“Thanks,” Dani says, walking into the kitchen.

Jamie finds a bottle shoved in the couch cushion and shakes her head.

“Fucking animals,” she says. “Should have Owen over here cleaning this mess. They were mostly his crew, right?”

But Dani doesn't look up at her, rooted to the spot.

“Oh my god.”

She's staring something on the kitchen counter. As Jamie gets closer, she sees what's caught Dani’s attention, and the hope of moving past this quickly dissipates.

The bottle of wine Trish gave Dani last night is sitting on the kitchen counter.

“Oh my god,” Dani repeats, this time in a whisper. Her fingers touch her lips, then she turns to Jamie. “I'm so sorry. I - I didn't mean… was she mad?”

It’s not the reaction Jamie is expecting.

“Was who — Trish?” Jamie asks, confused.

“No, Jamie, your other girlfriend.”

Jamie tilts her head. “I think we've already had a chat about that girlfriend word.”

“Jamie,” Dani says, voice tight. “Can you please just tell me if I ruined things for you, because I—“

“It’s fine, Dani. She wasn’t mad, and there’s nothing to ruin. We’re not in a relationship.”

“But you invited her to the party.”

“Because you asked me to. Besides, she left with someone else.”

“She... she did?”

Jamie nods. “Yeah. It’s like I said, we're not together. We just, you know, enjoy each other's company from time to time.”

“So you don’t hate me?”

Jamie laughs. “You really think it’s possible for me to hate you? Relax, Poppins.”

“Okay, I’m relaxed.” She looks anything but. “You’re sure, you’re not mad? Because I shouldn’t have just tried to kiss you like that. It wasn’t… right.”

“Nothing to be mad about,” Jamie says. Plenty of other, far more complicated emotions, though. She forces a smile full of fake confidence. “Besides, you could do worse, as far as drunken attempts at kisses go. Glad you didn’t grab onto one of Owen’s grubby friends.”

Dani laughs. “Right.” She still looks embarrassed.

Jamie knows the feeling well. “It’s fine,” she says again. “We’ve all had one too many, and things got weird, blah blah. Happens to the best of us. We can just forget it ever happened.”

The words feel like a lie as soon as they leave her mouth, but it’s for the best.

“Right,” Dani says. “We’ll just forget about it. Move on.”

Jamie nods. It’s for the best, it has to be. Dani’s her friend, her roommate. There’s not space in this two-bedroom for her mess of emotions.

* * *

Dani is relaxing on the couch that evening when Jamie remembers. She hurries into the bedroom, pulling out a small envelope with Dani’s name inscribed on the front in her neatest handwriting.

“I didn’t get to give you this last night,” she says as she hands it to Dani. “It’s not much, but I thought…”

Dani grins as she opens the red envelope. “You really didn’t have to get me anything.”

There isn’t a greeting card inside, but a small piece of plastic.

“It’s a gift card,” Jamie explains. “To the uh, the video rental around the block. I saw them on the counter last time we were there and thought you might — I don’t know, it’s not much, but I thought you might like it. We can stop making our way through Viola’s collection of terrible comedies, at least.”

“Jamie, I —” She looks up at her and smiles, and gently places the card on the coffee table. “It’s wonderful,” she says. “Thank you.”

She’s surprised when Dani stands up and hugs her.

“I love it. I love you,” she whispers, and Jamie's heart stutters in her chest.

 _As a friend,_ she reminds herself. _She loves you as a friend._

"You're not so bad yourself," she says, as close to the truth as she’s willing to get for now.

Dani pulls back after a moment, settling back down on the couch. Jamie slides off her shoes and joins her.

They are silent for a while, sipping their tea and watching the news. Dani flips the remote control from channel to channel and fails to find anything she particularly cares about.

She looks over at Jamie and presses mute on the remote.

“Can we talk about it?”

“About… what?”

“The kiss,” Dani says, and Jamie’s heart grinds painfully to a halt. “Or I mean, the almost kiss. I tried to kiss you.”

Jamie shrugs, looking down at her mug. “You were drunk.”

She doesn’t want to do this. She’s not good at talking about things when they get hard. Without fail she says the wrong thing, makes things worse. Jamie prefers to just ignore, and if she can’t ignore, to leave. That’s not an option with Dani for so many reasons, not the least of all that they live together.

“Yeah. I know. I mean, I don’t remember all the details. Just that you… everything in the world was spinning but you. You were… steady. Still. You always are, you know?”

Jamie chuckles. “Steady, am I? You sure about that?”

But Dani isn’t laughing. “You’re the most stable person I know.”

“Me?” Jamie shakes her head. “I’m a fucking mess, Poppins.”

“You’re not. You have it all figured out.” Jamie tries not to laugh at this, because it feels to her like it couldn’t be further from the truth. But Dani is going through something, and she knows better than to interrupt. She just has to let her work through it — with Dani, the right words sometimes take a bit. “You know who you are. I’m sorry I’m such a disaster.”

“You have nothing to apologize for.”

“I do, though. And I am. I promise I’ll never try to drunkenly kiss you again.”

Dani casts a smile her way, and Jamie’s heart breaks a little. That answers that, then. Last night wasn’t Dani giving into her feelings, or Dani’s interest in her piquing.

It was just a drunken mistake.

Jamie laughs, but it sounds tinny, rattling off the emptiness inside her chest.

“Good. Wouldn’t want that, would we?”

“We’re good then?” Dani asks, voice hopeful. “Things aren’t going to be weird between us?”

“Not to worry Poppins. Things are going to be just peachy.”

* * *

The thing about nearly kissing your best friend that you’ve been desperately in love with for months is that it messes with your head a little.

She can't stop thinking about it. Dani's hands on her face, cupping around her jaw. Dani's eyes falling to her lips. Dani leaning in, so close...

She dreams about it. Dreams that leave her waking up in a sweat, her fists clenched in her sheets and Dani's name on her lips. When she blinks her eyes open, she's breathing hard and it's like her heart's rearranged itself in her chest. Her whole body aches with the thought of it.

She finds herself calling Trish three times in one week. It works well enough, a temporary relief, until the third night, Trish answers the phone and tells her that she can't do this anymore.

"It's, uh... I might have a girlfriend, I think?" Trish sounds entirely too confused on the matter, but Jamie isn’t one to argue.

"Do you?" Jamie says. “Good for you. Anyone I know?"

“Actually…”

It turns out that Trish had a lot better luck than Jamie the night of the Dani's birthday party.

"I'm glad for you," Jamie says, and she means it. “Both of you. We’ll uh, see each other around, right?”

“Definitely.”

* * *

Trish isn’t the only one dating.

It seems like after the disaster at her birthday party, Dani has a new vigor for her love life. She’s gone on three dates in the past two weeks. The first two were nothing special, she said, but when she gets home from the third one she leans against the door with a happy sigh.

“How was it?” Jamie asks. She doesn’t want the answer, but she can’t live with not knowing. She’ll have to deal with this eventually. Dani won’t stay single for ever.

“It was okay,” Dani says with a small smile. “He kissed me.”

Jamie feels like she’s been punched in the gut. “Oh. That a good thing, I’m a guessing?”

“I think so,” Dani says. “I mean, it was… it wasn’t that different from Eddie. But it _was_ different. He wasn’t so…” Dani makes a face, shrugs. Eddie apparently had little talent when it came to kissing. “It was nice. Pleasant?”

“Pleasant,” Jamie repeats. That’s not how she’d describe most of her first kisses, not with the ones she’s actually liked, but she’s not going to tell Dani that, not when she’s smiling in a way that Jamie hasn’t seen in a long time. “Good for you, Poppins.”

That night she dreams of Dani kissing a faceless man.

* * *

Jamie knows she isn’t behaving logically, in the strictest sense. Trouble is, she doesn’t want to behave logically. She doesn’t want to be rational. Rationality isn’t going to help her now.

She’s tried it for months, and it’s just gotten her deeper and deeper into this madness.

So, she does what any mature adult would do in this situation, and... avoids Dani. She takes up another shift at work. She leaves earlier every day, so she doesn't run into Dani in between her getting off from school and Jamie leaving for the Manor. She stays late, making sure every bit of the bar is as clean as can be before she starts the walk home.

She tries to leave notes before her shift.

_“felt like a walk today_

_there's still leftover pizza_

_don't wait up,_

_J"_

It reads like bad poetry. Rubbish. She crumples it and throws it away.

But the next day, she does the same, and the day after that again. She writes notes and then shoves them into her pocket, or balls them up and tosses them. They become a source of solace.

She starts opening up in them bit by bit, things she’ll never say to Dani, words Dani will never read. She lets herself crack, spilling out onto the couple of lines scribbled on torn bits of paper. Things like:

_”going in early again tonight, need to not be alone with my thoughts.”_

_“you were sleeping on the couch when I got home last night, I wish you wouldn’t wait for me”_

_“haven’t seen your face in a week but i’m still dreaming of you”_

The words seep into her like she’s something porous, spilled liquid sinking deeper into her soul every time her pen touches the paper. There’s something about her secrets laid out for only her to see that’s comforting, as though she can allow herself to feel the words she's writing, if only for a moment, before she throws them away.

If only it were that simple.

* * *

Saturday morning finds Jamie sleeping in. She’d stayed out past three the night before, going out to drink after her shift. It wasn’t the wisest choice, given her headache upon waking, but it felt right at the time.

She isn’t ready for Dani to be standing in the kitchen once she leaves her room. Dani has a routine on Saturdays, none of which involve sitting still at home. There are farmer’s markets, yoga classes, walks in the park. Usually she invites Jamie along. Jamie figured that without her, Dani would still go.

“There you are,” Dani says. Her voice is relieved, like she wasn’t sure Jamie was ever going to emerge. “Sleep okay?”

“Not bad,” Jamie says.

 _Dreamt of you,_ she doesn’t.

“What are you doing?”

“Pancakes,” Dani says with a grin. “I thought maybe you’d like to have breakfast together? It’s been a busy week, right?”

Jamie nods. “Right. Lots of stuff going on at the bar.”

“New shipment of glasses need polishing?” There’s an edge to Dani’s voice that Jamie hasn’t heard before.

“Something like that.” Jamie eyes the half-full pot of coffee on the counter. “Made coffee, I see?”

“Not for you,” Dani says. “I mean, you’re welcome to it, but I know better. I just uh, I haven’t been sleeping well.”

Jamie knows this. She’s seen Dani, curled up on the couch she hates, waiting for Jamie to get home at an obscene hour. Or maybe she’s reading too much into it, maybe Dani has just been really enjoying something on the television, staying up as late as she can manage to watch it before passing out. She can almost believe it, if she ignores that the fact that the television is never on when she sneaks into the living room in the early hours of the morning. Just Dani, laying asleep, a crease in her brow too deep for good dreams.

Either way, Jamie covers her with a blanket every night and tries to ignore the small smile on Dani’s face at the comfort. Just like she tries to ignore the look on Dani’s face after they finish breakfast and Jamie says she has a few errands to run before work.

* * *

“We need to talk.”

Jamie sighs, leaning against the bar. It’s early, still, and no one has come in yet. “Have a seat then.”

“She’s worried about you, you know,” Hannah says as she sits. “Won’t stop asking about you. Asking if she did something wrong.”

“Did she?” Jamie raises an eyebrow.

“She thinks so.” Hannah sighs. “Look, I know you’re not… you don’t really do friendships. And I very much appreciate that you’re friends with me, for whatever reasons you have after all these years, but…”

“I’m not giving up on my friendship with her, Hannah. I just… I need some space. Real, honest to god space, which is hard to come by in a New York apartment. Am I not allowed that?”

Hannah thins her lips as she thinks. “I think you’re allowed, yes. But I also think you need to talk to her about it. You can’t just disappear on her Jamie. She said she hasn’t seen you in a week.”

Jamie opens her mouth to argue before she realizes that it’s true. Before that morning, it had been a full seven days since she’d seen Dani.

“Is it making you feel any better?” Hannah asks. “Hurting her?”

Jamie sighs. No, of course not. Hurting Dani is the last thing she wants. “I’m not trying to hurt her. I’m trying to _not_ hurt me.”

“And you think that vanishing on your best friend is going to solve that?”

“I don’t know.” Jamie laughs bitterly. “Fucked if I do, fucked if I don’t, right?”

“Have you talked to her about this?” Hannah suggests, like it would be that easy to come clean, to say the words she hasn’t yet managed to find. To sit her best friend down and say, "I love you.”

“No,” Jamie says. “What would I even say?”

“I really don’t know,” Hannah replies with a half-smile. “But you need to say something. The poor girl won't stop calling Owen. It’s become a daily occurrence.”

“All right,” Jamie says. “I’ll talk to her.”

* * *

She can’t bring herself to right away, though. This sort of thing takes time to work up to. Words don’t come easy for Jamie and she needs time to put them together. Days pass as she considers what she might say, but the more the distance stacks up between them, the harder it becomes.

She could excuse her behavior, say that she’s just been busy and will be a better friend. She doesn’t think that will cut it, and Dani deserves more than that. She could tell her everything and let the pieces fall where they may. The thought terrifies her.

A month after Dani’s birthday, Owen calls to invite Jamie to a party for Hannah this time. It’ll be at the restaurant and much tamer than Dani’s party, he promises. He asks how she’s doing in a tone of voice that tells Jamie he knows exactly how she’s doing without having to ask.

She lies anyway.

* * *

The party is on a Friday night, so she needs to take off from work. She showers in the morning so her hair will be dry by the evening and gets ready throughout the day, pausing for hours at at time to get lost in thought. It takes her a while to pick out an outfit, out of practice from the lack of occasion. She finds a dress that doesn’t make her feel frumpy and throws a jacket over it.

She hears Dani in the kitchen after arriving home. She listens as Dani makes herself a cup of coffee, waits until she hears the door to her bedroom closes before she relaxes.

Ever since her talk with Hannah, Jamie knows she has to bite the bullet and fess up to Dani, which has made it even harder to face Dani. The few times they have seen each other, the look on Dani’s face lets Jamie know that she isn’t going to wait much longer. She needs to come out and say something before she loses Dani altogether.

Jamie doesn’t have a mirror in her room, so when it’s almost time to leave she goes into the bathroom to put on her earrings. When she comes out, Dani is standing in the living room.

“Wow,” Dani says, pausing for a moment as she takes Jamie in. It occurs to Jamie that Dani’s never seen her in a dress. “You look…”

“Scrub up when I need to,” Jamie says, forcing a smile. She looks at Dani, in a dark maroon dress with thick straps. She looks beautiful, and Jamie has to tear her eyes away.

“I didn’t think you were going to come,” Dani said. “You’ve been so busy.”

“Wouldn’t miss it,” Jamie says. “And Hannah may have threatened my life if I missed her birthday party.”

Dani smiles, but there’s something sad lurking behind it. “You want to go together? I was going to get a cab.”

Jamie was going to take the subway, but she doesn’t think she could explain wanting to stand on the train when Dani is offering her a ride in a car.

“Sure,” she says. “You, uh, meeting someone there?”

Dani looks confused. “No. Who would I be meeting?”

“The pleasant-kisser, maybe?”

“Oh,” Dani says. “That. I… I haven’t called him back, actually.”

Jamie tries not to feel happy at that news. “Really?”

“It just wasn’t right,” she says with a shrug. “I think I’ve wasted enough time with someone who doesn’t feel right, you know? I want to be with someone I’m excited about. That makes me feel... electric."

"You deserve that," Jamie says, voice serious. She means it — feels it in her bones. Dani deserves the world. “And you’ll find that person one day.”

“Right,” Dani says, looking at her. “One day.”

Jamie doesn’t like the sudden seriousness that hangs thick in the air around them. “C’mon,” she says, “or we’ll be late and Hannah will have both our heads."

* * *

They ride in silence. It’s a fifteen minute drive, and Jamie spends the entire time struggling to breathe through the driver’s cologne and her anxiety.

“Here’s fine,” Dani says. Jamie’s grateful. The quiet of the cab is suffocating.

The driver lets them out a half-block way from A Batter Place. Their heels echo off the city street as they approach, but Dani stops in front of the restaurant, wringing her hands in front of her.

“Before we go in there, I just want to say something.”

Jamie eyes her seriously, not liking the nervous energy radiating off of Dani.

“Okay.”

“Look, I… I know I messed up. Things have been weird between us, and I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t —“ Jamie starts, but Dani holds up a hand.

“If you finish that sentence, I’m going to lose it,” Dani says. “I mean it, Jamie. Just, let me say this?”

Jamie nods, watches as Dani takes a deep breath. She isn’t ready for this conversation, but she’s pretty sure she’ll never be, and it’s not fair to keep Dani trapped in this limbo.

“I miss you. I miss… cooking with you. I miss you telling me about your plants and their scientific names that I’ll never remember. I miss watching bad movies together. You making fun of my coffee. I miss everything about you. This has been one of the longest months of my entire life, actually, and I just… I miss you.”

“I miss you too,” Jamie whispers. “I’m sorry.”

“I know that I shouldn’t have tried to kiss you. I know that that wasn’t… fair, to you. I mean, you don’t want to be an experiment, or a — I don’t know. Can we please just go back to the way things were?”

“I’m trying to do that,” Jamie says.

“By avoiding me?”

“I’m not —“

“Jamie,” Dani says again. “Please. I just want my friend back. Tell me what I have to do to get my best friend back.”

Jamie sighs, looks over at the restaurant. She can see Owen through the window, and wishes she could be anywhere but here. She can’t tell Dani she loves her and then just go to Hannah’s party and pretend there’s nothing wrong. “Can we just get through tonight? We’ll get through the night, and then we’ll talk about this.”

_We’ll get through the night, then I’ll tell you._

“We’ll fix it?” Dani asks. Her voice is small, pleading, and as much as Jamie wants to tell her that everything is fine, everything will be fine, she can’t.

_I’ll ruin it._

“We’ll talk,” Jamie says with a nod.

* * *

Hannah beams when she sees them walk into the room together.

“Sorted yourselves out then?” she asks in a hushed voice while Dani hugs Owen.

“Not yet,” Jamie says. “But I’m going to try.”

“Good for you,” Hannah says. “Now come on, it’s my birthday and we’re going to drink. I actually have a friend for you to meet.”

Hannah’s friend is a lovely woman named Rebecca, who is fresh off a break-up. Jamie isn’t particularly interested in being a rebound, but since that’s all she has to offer herself at the moment she’ll let it slide.

They make pleasant conversation for a few minutes after Hannah excuses herself with a knowing smile.

“What’s your story?” Rebecca asks, leaning in a little. Her smile is wide, a little flirtatious, and Jamie returns it to the best of her ability despite her mood. “How’d you end up in the city?”

“Followed a girl here a couple years ago. Hannah and I go way back though. She helped me through some tough times when I was younger.”

“She’s certainly good at that,” Rebecca says. “Don’t know where I’d be without that woman.”

“You and me both.”

“If you’d like, we could grab a drink sometime. I’m not looking for anything serious, but…” Rebecca holds out a card with her number printed on it.

Jamie takes it from her, tucking it into her pocket. “Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind. I’m, uh — kind of getting over my own stuff right now.”

Rebecca nods. “Hannah mentioned, actually. Think that’s why she was so keen for us to meet. It’s like ever since she got together with Owen she thinks she’s a matchmaker.”

“Almost makes me regret introducing them,” Jamie says.

“That was you? Give me that number back then.” They both laugh, and Rebecca looks over at Hannah and Owen. “They really are the sweetest though.”

“They have their moments.”

She wants to enjoy this, the attention of this beautiful woman, but standing next to Owen and Hannah is Dani, and she’s staring straight at Jamie. Jamie’s heart jumps at the sight of her. There's something flickering behind her eyes that makes Jamie’s stomach twist. Jamie straightens her back, looking away, but can't shake the feeling of Dani's gaze on her.

"Excuse me," she musters, and heads for the bathroom.

Jamie leans over the sink, letting the water rush over her wrists. It’s a soothing pressure, cold and calming. She cups some in her hands and splashes it onto her face, grateful she hadn’t decided on makeup tonight.

She grabs some paper towel to dab her face dry. She catches her expression in the mirror, and shakes her head. The door opens behind her. Jamie can see in the reflection that it’s Dani behind her, because _of course_ Dani would follow her in here.

“Dani.” She turns, ready to tell Dani that she needs a minute to herself, but Dani doesn’t slow, immediately invading Jamie’s space.

“Can we talk?” She’s standing a foot away from Jamie, close enough that Jamie can see the concern in her eyes, wide and wild.

“Now?” Jamie asks. “I thought we said we could just get through tonight.”

“Well, I can’t,” Dani says with a shake of her head. “I can’t just stand there and watch you — watch you —“

Jamie raises an eyebrow. “What? Watch me what, Dani?”

“I don’t know.” She sounds defeated, her shoulders slumping as she looks down.

“Watch me talk to a woman? Be _gay_? Is that what’s bothering you?” An old fear pricks at the back of Jamie’s neck. She’s been here before, but never thought Dani of all people would bring her back.

“No of course not,” Dani says, frowning. “That’s not fair.”

“Not fair?” Something snaps in Jamie, letting loose a feeling that she’s entirely unfamiliar with when it comes to Dani: anger. “That’s rich.”

Here’s Jamie’s problem: people are difficult.

They’re impossible to understand. It’s too hard to find the right words, too easy to say just the wrong thing at the wrong time and turn everything upside down. She’s had the misfortune of always being able to find the wrong thing to say, too attuned to what ghosts lurk in a persons’ memory that she can pick away at, too impulsive to stop herself from digging in.

Dani crosses her arms. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Jamie shakes her head. She doesn’t want to do this with Dani. She never wanted their relationship to reach this point, but maybe it was inevitable. Jamie isn’t good with people, and Dani is too full of humanity for Jamie to handle. Too caring, too open, too trusting.

“I’m sorry,” Jamie says. “I didn’t mean to say that. It’s just that you’re the one who tried to kiss me, remember? I was — I was doing just fucking _fine_ until you tried to kiss me and now it’s all I can think about. It’s entirely unfair.”

And there it is, out the open. Her feelings on full display in a public restroom.

“It is?” Dani’s voice is breathless.

Jamie nods. It’s not fair that she hasn’t been able to sleep a night in the last month without dreaming of Dani. Not fair that Dani makes her feel things she’s never felt before, stirs something awake inside her, a need to be loved that she hasn’t felt since she was a teenager. Not fair that she’s in love with her best friend.

It’s not fair, but she’s tired of fighting it.

But that part, apparently, isn’t what Dani heard.

“It’s all you can think about?” Dani asks. Then, “you think about kissing me?”

Jamie straightens, looks down at her feet in her heels. “I’m sorry,” she says again.

Dani shakes her head, stepping forward. Her hand reaches out, feather-light touch against the back of Jamie’s hand drawing her eyes back up.

“Dani, what —“

She pushes Jamie back against the sink, presses herself against Jamie. Her mouth trembles, like she’s about to say something else, but she doesn’t.

Dani kisses her.

Jamie’s heart beats a rapid staccato in her chest. Her hands are at Dani’s elbows, caught between pulling her closer and pushing her back. This isn’t how she wanted this to go. The few times she allowed herself to dream of this happening, she never thought it would be in a restaurant bathroom in the middle of the closest thing to an argument she and Dani have ever had.

But she can’t bring herself to stop it. Not when Dani's lips are soft against hers, not when she melts against Jamie's chest with a small whimper, not when Dani's hands grasp at her sides, bunching the fabric of her shirt in her fists, pressing their bodies together.

She knows she should pull back, push her away so they can talk about what the hell is happening between them, but she can’t.

She kisses back.

The kiss is all at once desperate, rough, and warm; like the friction of a slow burn set to ignite. Jamie never wants it to end. Dani’s hands catch in Jamie’s hair, pulling her close, and she can feel her heart thudding in her chest. The way Dani's head tilts back, the way her tongue slides against Jamie's makes her dizzy, lightheaded. It feels too good to be true.

And it is.

The kiss breaks with a frantic gasp. Jamie isn’t sure why until she forces her eyes open and sees that there are other people in the bathroom now. Jamie was too lost in the kiss, but the opening door must’ve scared Dani.

“Dani,” she says, voice rough.

“I’m sorry,” Dani says, already on the move. “I’m sorry, I don’t — I didn’t —“

Jamie follows her out into the hallway, grabs her hand to stop her from running off.

“It’s all right,” Jamie insists. She’s not going to let this ruin anything. Ruin _everything._ Not here. Not now. Not when she’s worked so hard to hold this together. “I get it," her voice sounds too calm even to her ears, even with the panic is rising in her chest, strangling tight around her lungs. “It — it doesn’t have to mean anything. It’s okay, I—“

“Jamie,” Dani’s voice is quiet, and Jamie’s name rolls off her tongue in a way that makes Jamie feel like she’s burning from the inside out.

Jamie's fingers dig into her palms, trying to pull her soul back into her body. She can still fix this. She has to be able to fix this. “Come on, let’s get out of here. Let's talk about this, we can –”

Dani shakes her head. “I’m sorry, I — I shouldn’t have –“

“I get it,” Jamie says again. “It’s okay.”

She swallows hard. She shouldn't have let this happen. Dani looks like she's about to run, to leave and never look back, and Jamie has had too many people do that to her, just disappear and leave her behind.

She can't let that happen with Dani. She won't.

"Look, we can just -- forget it, right? We've both been drinking," she says, despite the fact that she only had two drinks and she didn't taste alcohol on Dani's mouth.

Christ, her mouth. She kissed her. She actually _kissed her._

She can forget it, she can move on, she can still -

“I can’t,” Dani says, voice cracking. “I’m sorry,” she says, and Jamie feels the words fall hard and heavy between them.

“I’m sorry,” Dani says again, and then she’s gone. Jamie stands there for a long time, her hands still curled into tight fists. She doesn’t know what to do, so she stands there, stares at wall and tries not to cry.

The apartment is empty when she gets home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a very hard chapter to write. I rewrote it several times, and this is actually the third full version of it and the one I'm finally mostly happy with. I really would've liked to have it finished yesterday but it just wasn't happening. Even now I'm still not 100% on it, but I think it's better to just put it out there rather than keep reworking it to death. So your feedback is appreciated with this chapter more than ever! 
> 
> I'm on Tumblr at [@justawhitewall](https://justawhitewall.tumblr.com) if you'd like to yell at me. Next chapter might take a little longer because I'm pretty sure I'll being doing the story so far from Dani's POV, which a couple of you have expressed some interest in :) as always, thank you for reading.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi, here's a chapter that's more than half the length of all the others combined! If you're not interested in Dani's side of things and just want to get to the tiny bit of new stuff, click here. Otherwise... here we go :)
> 
> Content warning for some internalized homophobia. Also, changing the rating.

**five**

Dani Clayton has had many friends in her life.

There was Eddie, her first friend, her first boyfriend, her first everything, really. There were several girls at high school and college along the way— some less genuine than others, but enough to count as a group of friends growing up. There was Owen, the charming personal chef for the family she spent a summer with in England. There’s her co-workers at the school, who occasionally invite her out to brunch.

Overall, Dani would consider herself lucky when it comes to friendship. She’s always had a friend to sit with in class, or someone to call when she needs to rant after a long day of work.

And then she met Jamie.

Jamie is different. From the moment they meet, Dani can feel it. At first, she tries to explain it away. Jamie has a disarming smile, a charming accent, a way of making Dani laugh that sets her at ease from the first time she sits at the bar. But beyond that, underneath all that, it’s just _Jamie._

Dani’s never met a person in her life like her.

The night they come into each other’s lives should have been a bad night for Dani. Halfway through her walk to the bar — one she had scribbled down the address to a little too absentmindedly, apparently — it starts to snow. Big, fat snowflakes. The kind that seemingly come out of nowhere, pile up, and make a person want to curl up somewhere warm and safe.

Except Dani can’t do that, because she’s agreed to this crazy idea of a blind date. It’s romantic, she thinks. The notion that two people who have never met would sit in a bar with no idea of the other’s identity. It’s the beginning of a story. A love story. Something which, at age twenty-six, Dani is finally letting herself long for.

Thanks to the snow, Dani ends up arriving much later than expected. But when she gets there, there’s no one at the bar but an old man in an oversized brown coat. Larry, she would later come to learn, spends nearly every night at this run-down bar. An odd choice for a date, but Dani isn’t one to jump to conclusions. So, she sits down next to Larry, and says hello to the woman behind the bar.

When she looks up, Dani can’t help but smile.

"Can I get you anything?”

It’s the beginning of a beautiful friendship, the fastest growing one Dani has ever had.

She finds it a little silly, how immediately taken in by Jamie she is, but that doesn’t stop her. When she finds out that she came to the wrong bar, she stays for another hour just to talk to Jamie. The next week, when she calls Peter to reschedule their date, she tells him that she’d much rather spend the night at the Manor than at whatever restaurant he had picked out.

“It has a lot of character,” Dani insists when he balks at the idea over the phone. “And the bartender is great.”

Peter, however, is not great. Peter is stuffy, a bit rude, and overall just not someone Dani would be interested in being friends with, never mind dating.

She tells Owen as much when he calls her the next day.

“Sorry,” he says. “I don’t really know the guy well.”

“I appreciate you trying,” Dani says. “It was a good excuse to go back to the Manor, anyway. We should go sometime. The bartender is great.”

It’s a phrase she repeats more than once, to more than one person. Funny, really, because she doesn’t spend much time drinking at the Manor, and when she does, it’s usually a beer, not a cocktail or anything that would require a great bartender. But Jamie is good company, and Jamie is on her mind the next week when Owen asks her where she wants to go for their night on the town.

“The two of you will _definitely_ get along,” she tells him. They have to. They’re the only two people in the world who can make Dani laugh so hard the edges of her vision blur with tears. Maybe they’ll even find their own love story. Jamie and Owen. Wouldn’t that be something?

Except, within minutes of them sitting down at Jamie’s bar, Owen’s soulmate walks in. Funny, how that happens sometimes. You can be minding your own business, completely unaware that your other half, the piece of you that you didn’t even know was missing, is about to swing open the door to a dive bar and change everything.

Funny.

* * *

Dani fiddles with the cord of the phone, strangely nervous. She’s made plenty of phone calls in her lifetime, even worked as a secretary for a year to get through school, but her heart races as she counts the seconds between each ring.

She checks the number in the Yellow Book twice. Did she dial correctly? She’s just about to hang up when she hears the line go live.

“Hello?”

Dani lets out a breath, straightening her posture even though she’s alone in the living room of her apartment. “Jamie?”

“Dani?”

“Oh, good! I was scared someone else would answer. Sorry, I know this is a bit strange, but I didn’t know how else to get in touch with you besides just coming to the bar, and —“

“S’all right. Though I can’t exactly fix you a drink through the phone, can I?”

Dani laughs, suddenly shy at the mention that this is an incredibly unusual phone call for a patron to make to a bartender. “I know, I know. Um, I was actually wondering if you wanted to come out tonight with me and Owen?”

“Where to?” Dani grins at Jamie’s lack of hesitation. Maybe this wasn’t such a crazy idea after all.

She tells Jamie about Owen’s restaurant opening, how there weren’t as many people as he’d like, and he called and asked Dani to bring some people down. It isn’t exactly true. Owen _had_ called, yes and asked Dani if she could come to the restaurant. He hadn’t asked for her to bring more people, but she’d suggested it and he’d enthusiastically agreed — especially when Dani mentioned Jamie and her friend.

“Hannah? Yeah, I’ll check in with her. What’s the address?”

* * *

Calling Jamie becomes almost irresistible once Dani gets her phone number after the night out at Owen’s restaurant. In fact, Dani calls the first day she’s sure they’re home at the same time: a Saturday morning. Too early on a Saturday morning, judging by Jamie’s groggy voice on the other end of the line.

“Yeah?”

It’s not a polite greeting, but it’s so entirely Jamie that Dani can’t help but smile. Besides, she’ll make it up to her with breakfast.

Jamie agrees to come out to the café Dani suggested. It’s a little hole-in-the-wall that Owen won’t shut up about, says they have the best tea in the city. It all kind of tastes the same to Dani, but she figured if she was going to listen to anyone’s opinion on the matter, it would be Owen’s.

Everything is going perfectly. Jamie lets Dani pay for her to make up for the wake-up-call. Jamie hums as she takes a sip of the tea, cradling the large mug between long fingers. It’s a wonderful Saturday morning, until a woman walks up to their table and snatches the smile right off Jamie’s face.

“I see you moved on then?” she says. Dani frowns — one of Eddie’s friends, maybe? — until she looks over at Jamie and sees her sudden paleness, the panic written plainly all over her.

Dani wants to protect her, would do anything to bring back the soft, unguarded smile on Jamie’s face from just a few seconds before. So, she sticks out her hand and introduces herself.

“Viola,” the woman tells her.

Viola isn’t interested in Dani at all, except to make a snide comment to her as she leaves. Dani is left puzzled — what could this woman possibly have against _her_ — until Jamie explains.

“She’s my ex,” Jamie says. The words are quiet, a secret shared in the corner of a café. Jamie isn’t looking at her as she says them, and Dani wonders how many times she’s revealed this part of herself only to be pushed away.

“Oh,” Dani says. It’s not a big deal. Dani has known gay people before. Well, one, really, and that was a man, but it’s all more or less the same, isn’t it? They’re all just people, for god’s sake. Jamie is still Jamie, just with a little more clarity now.

Jamie tells her about her relationship with Viola. It sounds unhappy, and far more unpleasant than her split with Eddie, which is really saying something. She doesn’t understand why Viola would have an attitude when she’s the one who wronged Jamie, but she doesn’t ask. Dani doesn’t want to push about Viola at all, actually, but she _does_ want to know more about Jamie. She asks her fill of questions, and Jamie seems happy enough to answer them. Dani shares a bit of herself in return.

It’s nice to have a friend.

* * *

Dani calls Jamie whenever she can. If she rushes home after school, she can usually catch her before she heads out to the bar for the night.

“You won’t believe what one of my students did today,” Dani says, leaning against the wall next to the phone.

“Try me."

“He called me _mom._ I felt so bad for the poor kid. Can you imagine?”

Jamie’s laugh is clear as a bell through the phone. “I mean, sure. You’re sweet, and nurturing —“

“Oh god, stop.”

“Who would’ve thought? Practically perfect Poppins is afraid of children.”

Dani shakes her head as she laughs. “No. Not afraid, just… I don’t know, maybe one day. It’s just another one of those _things_ you know? The kind of thing Eddie just assumed I’d be okay with, like I didn’t get a say.”

“Old fashioned sort of guy I take it?”

Dani rolls her eyes. “You can say that again.”

“Well, Larry hasn’t compared _me_ to his mother this week, so I take that as a win.”

“Oh no, really?” Dani laughs. “I miss Larry. I’ll have to come see him soon.”

“He misses you too,” Jamie says. “Me, I’m getting by just fine without you. Have a new favorite customer, matter of fact. Teaches _third_ grade, if you’d believe it, and doesn’t call me up at the crack of dawn on the weekends.”

“It was nine, thank you very much, and that was one time!”

* * *

Before Dani knows it, it’s New Year’s Eve, and they’re sitting on the large armchair Dani spends most nights in, reading. It’s comfortable for one person, downright cozy for two.

“You need to live a little, Poppins.” As Jamie says the words Dani’s imagination takes over, flashes of soft lips and softer sighs, and she finds her eyes drawn to Jamie’s mouth, if only for a second. It’s an odd thought to have about a friend, but not the first time it’s happened. Everyone thinks about kissing their friends from time to time, right?

“Are you offering?”

Jamie looks at her like she’s grown a second head.

"I mean, it is New Years. And you're not some stranger,” Dani explains, like it makes the most sense in the world. And in a way, it does. It seems obvious that she should want to kiss Jamie. Who wouldn’t? Jamie is gorgeous, and funny, and smart, and —

“It’s time!”

Jamie is still staring at her. Her lips are slightly parted, curls falling against her cheeks. Dani’s fingers move forward without her permission to hold Jamie’s hand.

Jamie doesn’t stop her as she leans in. Before Dani knows it, their lips are touching. Jamie is stock-still for the first few seconds, then she’s pushing forward against Dani in a small, gentle kiss.

Dani only allows herself to hesitate here for a second. A friendly kiss, that’s all it is. A friendly kiss between friends at the start of a New Year.

“Okay?” Jamie asks once they part. It’s quiet, her voice hoarse. It sends a shiver down Dani’s spine.

“Perfect,” Dani answers. She draws her eyes away from Jamie’s mouth — why is she still staring at her mouth? — and looks back out at the party in her living room. She’s suddenly thirsty, her mouth bone-dry, and she excuses herself to get a drink.

“Dani, there you are!” It’s Owen. He’s been enjoying the punch, and he has a friend he wants her to meet. “This one is _way_ better than Peter, I promise.”

Dani feels bad, like she abandoned Jamie alone in a room full of people she doesn’t know. She keeps looking over at Jamie, occasionally catching her eye. She seems happy enough, and even is talking to people a few times that Dani glances over.

An unfamiliar feeling prickles at the back of her neck when she spots Jamie talking to a woman Dani doesn’t recognize.

Dani doesn’t know her, doesn’t know a lot of Owen’s friends, but she doesn’t like her from across the small apartment. She doesn’t like the way she leans in to hear Jamie talk, the way that she touches Jamie’s arm as she throws her head back and laughs.

Dani pours herself another drink to delay walking back over to Jamie and her new friend. _Jamie is allowed to have friends,_ she reminds herself. _You don’t own her._

Dani finally breaks away from the guy Owen introduced her to. She doesn’t remember his name by the time she’s crossing the room to Jamie again.

“Bit tired, might be time to call it,” Jamie says, and Dani is surprised at the depth of her disappointment. She was really hoping to spend more time with Jamie tonight, to start her new year off with her new favorite person, but she doesn’t argue.

Instead, she offers to walk Jamie out. Insists on it. Her head is swimming from the two drinks in the last twenty minutes, and she could use some air.

“Thank you for coming,” Dani says once they’re outside.

“Thanks for the invite.”

They stand near the stairs for a moment in silence, and the alcohol in her veins pushes Dani to fill it.

“I’m really glad we get to be friends,” she says, cringing at her eagerness. “I don't have a lot of those, and you're..." Dani looks at her for a long moment. She isn’t sure how to describe this wonderful person who’s made such an imprint on her life in just over a month. "Different than anyone I've ever met, I think."

It’s cold, but Jamie feels like she’s burning when Dani pulls her into a hug.

“Happy new year, Jamie.”

“Happy new year to you, too.”

Without thinking much about it, she presses a kiss into the side of Jamie’s head, just above her ear.

* * *

The next morning, Dani wakes up with a pounding headache and a terrible feeling that she’s made a mistake.

* * *

January wears on.

Dani wants to call Jamie, to stop in and see her, but she’s not sure what she’d say. So she doesn’t.

And the more days that pass, the more awkward she feels about it. It’s silly, she knows. She’s far from the first girl Jamie has kissed at a party, she knows that too. And it was barely a kiss. So why does the thought of seeing Jamie fill her with an unfamiliar anxiety?

“I have something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about,” Owen tells her one morning before she leaves for school. “Got a minute?”

It sounds serious, so serious, so Dani’s relieved when all he wants is for Hannah to visit for Valentine’s Day.

“Of course!” she says. “It’ll be fun. I love Hannah.”

“And she loves you!” he says with a nod. “However…”

There’s a catch. They want the apartment to themselves. They’re not kicking Dani out, of course, and they have a perfectly reasonable suggestion: Dani could spend some time at Jamie’s for a week.

Dani can’t think of a good reason to say no. Owen takes care of the lion’s share of the rent, after all, and is kind enough to let Dani pay as much as she can on her little salary. And it’s not like she can explain to Owen that she’s been nervous to see Jamie since New Year’s. Even if she could, that’s hardly a good enough reason for Owen to go without seeing the first woman he’s been excited about in the entire time she’s known him.

So Dani, with all the bravery she can muster, walks back into the Manor on a night when she knows Jamie will be at work.

“Jamie.”

It gets her a glance from Jamie, who is leaning casually against the bar.

“Can I get you something?” Jamie doesn’t sound thrilled to see her.

“I was hoping we could talk.”

Jamie’s jaw shifts. It’s not an expression Dani has seen her wear before, and her stomach stirs uncomfortably.

“Been a minute, Poppins.”

She shouldn’t feel this bad. They’re new friends. Some would even maybe call them acquaintances. But it’s more than that. It’s been more than that for Dani from the start, certain that Jamie belonged in her life from the second they met.

The friendship is clearly something deeper for Jamie too, judging by her reaction to Dani’s avoidance. It’s little comfort, with Jamie watching her with a steely gaze.

Dani can’t find the words to explain. “I’m sorry. I’ve just… I’m sorry if I’ve been… that I haven’t…”

“S’all right,” Jamie answers with an easy shrug that seems to dissolve the tension from her body. It doesn’t _feel_ all right though, the noticeable absence of Jamie in Dani’s life the last couple of weeks. “We all get busy sometimes.”

Dani wants to agree, to sweep this under the rug and move on, but she feels like she owes it to Jamie to be a little more honest. “I got drunker than I meant to, and I think I… I just hope I didn’t make things weird between us.”

It’s ridiculous to feel so upset by one little, friendly kiss. If anything has made things weird, it’s Dani’s actions in the weeks that followed. Jamie, for all Dani knows, was completely unbothered by what happened on New Year’s, like Dani should’ve been.

“Dani,” Jamie says. Her voice is serious, and it takes a moment for Dani to drag her eyes up to Jamie’s face. Once she does, she doesn’t want to look away. “I said it’s all right, and I meant it. Okay?”

“Okay,” Dani agrees, because she’s not sure what else to do.

* * *

Jamie’s apartment is just lovely. It’s a large room full of character and warmth. It’s unexpected, honestly, though she feels bad once she realizes it. The room smells like dirt, and tea, and _Jamie._ Dani’s in love from the second she steps inside.

If Jamie is still upset about the time Dani spent avoiding her, she doesn’t show it. She’s as kind as ever, making Dani feel right at home with her teasing jokes that are always careful not to cut too deep. If making Dani laugh was a competition, Jamie would always come out on top.

They grow a lot closer in that week. Dani shows Jamie parts of her that she’s only shared with one other person in the world: Eddie. She tries not to compare the two of them, but it happens more than she’d like.

Where Eddie was overbearing, Jamie is laid back. Where Eddie would get upset with very little cause, Jamie is steady, calm, unshakable. Eddie was stubborn, Jamie is flexible. Things roll off her back with an ease that Dani envies.

Jamie is about as far as one can get from Eddie in every way, and Dani loves her for it. Dani finds herself wanting to discuss everything with her, share every bit of her life with her new friend.

She tells Jamie about her mother, the loneliness of her childhood. She tells her about Eddie, the constant pressure to make him a better man.

After the first few hours of the two of them alone in Jamie’s apartment, Dani feels like she may never want to leave.

* * *

Dani tosses against the firm couch cushions. She insisted it was fine — she didn't want to kick Jamie out of her own bed — but she's not sure if she'll be able to sleep, not with what feels like a hard rock pressing into her lower back.

She’s just about to give up altogether when she hears Jamie.

“Not too late to take the bed.”

Dani, reminded again that Jamie is just _too damn good_ , happily accepts. She crawls into bed with her, sliding under the covers. It’s a twin-sized bed, just big enough for the studio apartment, and it’s already warm from Jamie’s body heat.

Dani closes her eyes. Sleep takes her easily.

* * *

Valentine’s Day arrives sooner than Dani is prepared for.

She’s been dreading it. The day she was supposed to become Mrs. O’Mara.

She’s happy she isn’t marrying Eddie, she really is, but she can’t help but feel like she lost something when she left him. It wasn’t love, but it was friendship, deep and profound.

She wasn’t alone when she was with Eddie, and at the time that was the most important thing to her. Maybe it still is.

But she’s not alone — she has Jamie. Sweet, kind Jamie, who as soon as she notices Dani is upset, lets Dani fall into her without a second thought, rubbing gentle circles into her back as she cries.

“You can’t be expected to live your life in misery just to make someone else happy,” Jamie tells her. “And don’t you think he deserves to be with someone who — I don’t know, loves him properly?”

Dani nods. “He really, really does.”

“And so do you.”

Dani knows this, deep down she does, but it still hurts to admit it. Deserving happiness is not something she’s particularly comfortable with, not after a lifetime of believing she was put on this earth to make other people happy. She’s never really learned to find her own peace.

“You’re a good friend,” Dani tells Jamie when she’s finally collected herself.

“It’s what I’m here for.”

* * *

A few bottles of wine later and Dani has almost entirely forgotten about Eddie and the wedding. Jamie puts on a movie, a happy distraction, and Dani once again starts thinking about how grateful she is to have Jamie in her life as the credits start to roll.

“I’m really glad I met you,” she admits.

It feels bigger than it should, taking up too much space in the quiet room.

“Me too,” Jamie says, voice just as soft.

“Thank you for today,” Dani says, squeezing Jamie’s hand. She isn’t quite sure when her own hand got there, but she’s glad for the point of contact. Jamie has a way of grounding her. “I’ve been dreading it for weeks. I don’t know how I would’ve…”

It’s the alcohol, she’ll tell herself later, that has her leaning forward and pressing her forehead to Jamie’s. It’s the alcohol that has her mind jumping without cause to their kiss on New Year’s Eve, the small, soft press of Jamie’s lips against her own. She swallows the thought.

“You made it all bearable.”

* * *

The week passes too quickly.

Dani finds herself watching Jamie closer each day, inexplicably enamored with everything she does. She watches as Jamie pots the new plant they bought together, not caring as her hands and arms get covered in dirt. She watches as Jamie makes tea in the mornings, a little crease in her brow as she pours the water. She watches as Jamie rolls her eyes at the stupid movies Dani puts on. She watches as Jamie tries to hide a smile each time she catches Dani’s gaze, usually failing.

If Jamie minds, she doesn’t say anything, and so Dani can’t find a reason to stop herself.

Before she leaves Jamie’s apartment, Dani wraps her arms around Jamie in a tight hug. Jamie is stiff for a moment, then relaxes into the embrace. Dani takes a second to appreciate how good it feels to hug her, how easy it is to feel safe in her arms.

“Thank you,” Dani says. “I can’t thank you enough. My _ears_ can’t thank you enough.”

Jamie squeezes her. “Tell Owen he owes me a fruit basket or something, yeah?”

“Will do.”

* * *

After feeling closer than ever to Jamie during the week spent at her apartment, the rest of February creates another wedge. Dani gets the sense that Jamie is avoiding her, that she did something wrong, except every time she _does_ see Jamie, everything is perfectly fine.

When Dani stops by the Manor Jamie smiles at her easily, jokes with her, seems her normal self. She doesn’t answer the phone as often anymore, but she’ll come hang out with Dani at Owen’s restaurant from time to time if Dani manages to invite her.

For a while, Dani is perplexed as to why, until one night in March.

“Hot date?” Dani asks. She smiles as she asks it, because Jamie has made it pretty clear in their conversations that she’s not really interested in dating much. She’d had her fill, to hear her tell it.

“I don’t know actually,” Jamie says, shrugging. “Haven’t seen her yet.”

It takes a second for Dani to realize that Jamie is being serious, but she’s apparently missed her opportunity to respond, because Jamie continues. “A friend of a friend set me up. Gonna grab some drinks, see where the night takes us, all that.”

She should be happy for her. Jamie deserves to go out on dates, to be happy. It’s just that… Dani’s missed her. And if the reason Jamie’s been so distant is that she’s been _dating,_ well, that’s not really a temporary thing.

“Another time, maybe,” Dani suggests. “I hope you have a good time.”

Jamie thanks her with a smile and pours her another beer.

* * *

Dani stops going into the bar. It’s not that she doesn’t want to see Jamie — she does, so badly — there’s just this nagging bad feeling she can’t seem to shake whenever she thinks of her friend.

It’s convenient, at least, that it’s April. There’s a big state test in April, one that keeps Dani occupied preparing her students for weeks in advance.

She still calls Jamie, doesn’t want to make the same mistake twice and avoid her friend altogether, doesn’t want to be greeted with a standoffish Jamie next time she does convince herself to visit her at the bar. Jamie sounds happy to see her, at least, and if she doesn’t answer, she returns her calls within a few days.

Things aren’t normal, but they’re _okay_ , and that’s enough for Dani to not challenge just why she can’t bring herself to see Jamie.

* * *

Dani goes back to Iowa for her mother’s birthday.

It’s warmer there than she remembered, an oppressive heat for the middle of May. Her mother acts happy to see her, but it doesn’t take long before she’s digging her claws into Dani. She’s smart about it, waits until Dani is trapped in the car on the ride home from the airport to bring up Eddie.

“He’s still in love with you, you know. He tries to hide it, but that boy looks like a kicked puppy every time I mention you.”

“I know, mom, but he’ll move on.”

Eddie was her oldest friend. She hates that she hurt him, and she hates that she has to be reminded of it every time she talks to her mother.

“I’m just saying, he misses you.”

“I miss him too, mom, but I’m —“

“I know, I know. You’re ‘not in love.’ Well, let me tell you, love isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I was in love with your father, and…”

Dani leans her head against the window and tunes her mother out. She’s heard it a hundred times before. Her father was a terrible man before he died, according to Karen, but all Dani remembers of him are happy things. Birthdays filled with cake and candy. Hot summer days when he’d turn on the sprinkler for her and Eddie to run through. Camping trips and bonfires. Love.

Nothing about the unhappy marriage her mother apparently suffered through and feels the need to remind Dani of at every turn. She sometimes wonders if her mother resents her, thinks that it’s Dani’s fault that their marriage was failing, or that her father died.

“Are you listening, Danielle?”

“Yes, mom.”

Dani doesn’t feel bad about the lie.

* * *

On her mother’s birthday, they go out to dinner. After more than a week spent in nail salons, shopping malls, and a house of bad memories, Dani is happy for the reprieve.

Until Eddie and Judy O’Mara walk in.

She sees Judy first, can’t stop the rush of joy at the sight of the woman who practically raised her. Dani grins, standing, ready to start towards her. She freezes when she spots who is sulking over her shoulder.

“Judy,” Dani says as they approach. “It’s so good to see you.”

Judy doesn’t hesitate before pulling her into a hug. “Danielle! It’s been months, hon, how are you?”

“Good, good! I’m in New York now.”

“Still teaching, I hope?”

“Yes!” Dani says.

“She works at one of those under-funded public schools,” Karen says with a roll of her eyes. Dani frowns.

“I teach fourth grade,” Dani says. “And the kids are wonderful.”

“And you have an apartment.”

Dani nods. “With a friend, Owen.”

“He’s a cook,” Karen says.

“A chef. He’s actually got his own restaurant now, and it’s doing very well.”

“Wow! Lovely, just lovely. Isn’t it Edmund?”

Judy looks up at her son, who has been observing the entire conversation with a controlled face.

“Yes.” He extends a hand. “Danielle, it’s good to see you again.”

Dani looks at his hand, then takes it, uncertain. The last time they’d seen each other he was enraged, eyes burning with tears. He’d said some… very not nice things. She understands. She broke his heart without regret.

But if he’s willing to let go, to move on, then she can too. She'd be happy to have her friend back.

“You too, Eddie.”

“Danielle, Eddie and Judy will be joining us for dinner.”

Karen pulls Judy into the booth next to her so that Eddie and Dani have to sit next to each other. She smiles at Dani, sickeningly sweet, and Dani wants to scream. This was her plan all along, to get Dani home to Iowa and ambush her with Eddie in hopes that she’d “come around” and take him back.

Eddie, to his credit, is respectful throughout dinner. They even exchange a few knowing glances when Karen says something particularly off-color as she orders more and more drinks.

Until she takes it too far.

“So, Danielle is still single.”

Dani looks up sharply. “Mom.”

Karen takes a long swig of wine. “What, you are, aren’t you? Unless you and that cook have something going on?”

“I’m — I’m not —“ Dani’s face burns at the sudden attention. “I don’t think anyone here wants to hear about my dating life.”

“Oh, Danielle, don’t be silly. Of course everyone wants to hear about your big new life in New York. Right? The one that’s so much better than ours here in Iowa?” She sneers. “That’s why you left - you’re too good for this town.”

Judy and Eddie say nothing. Eddie looks into his lap, far too familiar with Karen Clayton’s drunken outbursts.

“Excuse me,” Dani says, pushing up from the table.

She marches out of the restaurant, not slowing until the warm air hits her face outside.

The _nerve_ of her mother, and to wait to do this on her own birthday when she knows that Dani can’t fight back without looking like a heartless bitch.

“Fuck,” she says to the darkness.

She doesn’t hear the door open behind her.

“Hey, are you okay?”

It’s Eddie, his hands tucked in his pockets, as if to keep himself from reaching out and touching her.

Dani lets out a shaky breath. Her eyes burn with angry tears. “It’s fine.”

Her voice is tight, curt, and she knows Eddie can see right through it.

“I guess your mother hasn’t magically gotten nicer in the past year.”

Dani shakes her head. “Guess not.”

“Listen, Eddie —“

“Danielle, I—“

They both stop, sharing an awkward laugh.

Dani nods at him. “You first.”

He takes a deep breath, adjusting his glasses. He looks young, for a second, like the boy she became friends with and not the man she’d left behind. “I just wanted to say how good it is to see you. You look… happy.”

Dani smiles, but it feels thin and difficult to hold. “I am. I mean, outside of tonight, anyway.”

“But… hasn’t it been long enough? I know you had to — to find yourself, or whatever, in New York, but…” He reaches out, taking her hand and easily pulling her closer. “You belong here. With me. I _know_ you feel it too.”

Before Dani has time to respond, he’s stopping down and pressing his lips to hers. She freezes for a moment, then lurches back. She has to fight the urge to slap him.

“Eddie, I —“ She stops, running her hands through her hair, trying to stop her body from shaking with anger. “I told you. I don’t want this, not anymore. It’s not _right._ ”

“What does that even mean?! You keep saying that, and it doesn’t make sense.”

“It means that I don’t love you!” The words are shouted into the night air, reverberating off the cars in the parking lot.

“Whatever, Danielle.” He spits her name, lip curling. “Just know I’m getting tired of waiting for you.”

He walks off. She recognizes the car he gets into as the one she’d driven in countless times since he got his license at seventeen. He slams the door as he gets inside, not looking back as he peels out of the parking lot.

Dani glances back through the window of the restaurant. Judy and her mother are both staring at her, her mother shaking her head.

Dani can’t go back inside, so she starts walking down the road. The restaurant is in a well-lit part of town, with a couple of small stores surrounding it.

She spots a payphone, and there’s only one person whose voice she wants to hear right now.

“Poppins?”

Jamie knows it’s her without her having to say a word, and thank god, because Dani doesn’t know how to form them right now.

“Sorry,” she manages. She realizes that she’s crying, the anger and adrenaline fading to hot tears.

“What happened? What’s wrong?”

Dani tells her everything, or as much as she can in her current state. From the second Jamie starts talking, Dani starts feeling better, a wave of Jamie’s calm washing over her across hundreds of miles.

“I just needed to hear your voice,” Dani admits quietly. “I miss you.”

Jamie misses her too, even if she’s reluctant to say as much. Jamie misses her, and when Dani gets back, she’s going to fix everything.

They’re going to go back to normal — _better_ than normal — because Jamie means everything to Dani.

Jamie is her best friend.

* * *

Except it seems that life doesn’t want to give Dani a break. It’s been a few weeks since she got back from Iowa, and Jamie is still busy, just out of reach. And Owen…

Owen sighs, looking down. “Dani, I… I’d really like to ask Hannah to move in with me.”

Dani’s first reaction is happiness. She’s not a bad friend, she’s glad to hear this huge news in Owen’s life. “Oh my gosh!” She pulls him into a hug. When she steps back, she holds on to his arms. “When?”

“She’s visiting in two weeks. Our lease is up in a month. I was thinking we could move a little further downtown, closer to the restaurant — if she says yes, of course.”

Dani’s smile is wobbly. “She’ll say yes, Owen. She’s in love with you.”

Owen ducks his head, hiding a shy grin. “We’ll see about that. And you’ll be okay?”

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be just fine.”

Dani spends the week miserable.

She looks at apartment listings, but they’re all too expensive. She tours one that has mushrooms growing out of the kitchen floor. She could get a roommate — a random one pulled from the classified ads, or plucked off a flyer in a deli — but she isn’t hopeful.

No, after a little more than a year in the big city, Dani Clayton is giving up and going home.

She’s not planning on asking for anything when she goes to the Manor. She’s not even sure she should tell Jamie. But as soon as she sees her best friend, the feelings come bubbling to the surface.

“I think I have to move back to Iowa.”

“What?” Jamie’s voice is sharp. “Why, what — is something wrong with your mom?”

“Nothing like that,” Dani says. She looks down at her glass, then around at the other patrons. She shouldn’t be sharing this news, it’s not hers to share. Jamie should be getting a gleeful phone call from Hannah about this in a week. “I shouldn’t be telling you this.”

“I think it’s too late for that,” Jamie says. Dani glances at Jamie’s hands, knuckles white as she grips the bar, and nods.

“Owen wants Hannah to move to New York. He’s going to ask her if she wants to get a place together when she’s out here for his birthday next week, and our lease is up in a month, and I don’t think I'll be able to find a place by then, if ever, because a teacher’s salary isn’t exactly easy to live off in the city, and —“

She’s rambling, she knows she is, but she can’t stop. Everything she’s been bottling up for the past week comes pouring out, and poor Jamie has to sit there and take it. Except she doesn’t.

“Poppins, deep breath,” she says, reaching for Dani’s hand. “You’ll just stay with me.”

“Stay with you?”

She couldn’t, could she? No, she can’t. Jamie’s apartment is small, comfortable, perfectly Jamie and Dani could never fit in. She’d be there a lot longer than a week this time, she’s positive of that much. She knows Jamie is too kind, too generous, too willing to give too much of herself to Dani. Jamie is _good_ and Dani sometimes feels like a gravity well of need, just taking things from her friend and not giving anything back.

How many times has Jamie had to be there for her over the span of a few short months?

Dani shakes her head. “I don’t know how long it’ll take to find a place, never mind a roommate, and —“

“I’ll be your roommate, then. We can find a place with some good light for the plants, yeah? I’m month-to-month anyway. We’ll get two bedrooms so neither of us has to sleep on my couch.”

“Really?” It sounds more vulnerable that she’d like.

It’s not normal, she knows, to become this attached to a person in just a few months. It’s not normal, she recognizes, to consider someone your best friend after they’ve been in your life for less than a year. It’s not normal, but it’s undeniable.

“Really,” Jamie confirms with a nod. “But don’t you scare me like that again.”

* * *

Hannah and Owen are acting like teenagers in love — touchy, _loud_ teenagers — so Dani moves into Jamie’s apartment a week before her lease is up with Owen.

Jamie doesn’t seem to mind. She shows up to help pack, carries boxes into the van they’ve rented. She’s a lot stronger than Dani had expected.

“All the ice,” Jamie explains away with a wave of a hand. “Think I have a bar back at the Manor?”

“I don’t know what that means,” Dani says.

“It means I am very strong and very capable, thank you very much.”

Dani doesn’t argue, just watches Jamie work. It’s fascinating.

* * *

Living with Jamie makes Dani feel like a kid again. It’s the experience she should’ve gotten in college, or at her first apartment. Instead, she was left with Eddie, whose presence was too oppressive for Dani to really enjoy anything.

They watch movies every night. Dani finds a stash of VHS tapes in a closet. Jamie pretends to not be interested, but every once in a while Dani finds a movie that makes her laugh. It’s golden.

The phone ringing interrupts the credits. Dani had been expecting this call — Owen was incredibly nervous about a critic visiting A Batter Place that night, and had told her to be on standby for moral support.

So Dani pops off the couch to answer it. “Hello?”

“Well, you’re not Jamie.” A woman’s voice is on the other end of the line, sounding awfully amused for reasons Dani doesn’t understand. “She there? Tell her it’s Trish.”

“Oh, yeah, she’s — Jamie, it’s for you?”

Jamie gets off the couch and Dani takes her place, tucking her knees against her chest as she sits. She can’t help but watch Jamie as she talks on the phone to this mystery woman, trying not to question just why it is she feels so oddly gutted whenever there’s a piece of Jamie’s life Dani doesn’t know about. The woman at the party, the time Jamie ran into someone she knew while they were out for a walk — these moments stand out to Dani, leave her antsy and unsure.

It’s not that she’s uncomfortable with Jamie’s sexuality. Jamie likes women, and that’s fine by Dani. Maybe it’s that she’s so secretive about it, that they share almost everything in their lives except for these details.

When Jamie hangs up, Dani can’t help but probe. “Girlfriend?”

“I’m not really one for girlfriends,” Jamie says, as if she’s saying she doesn’t like pepperoni on her pizza or milk in her coffee.Maybe it _is_ like that, for her.

“Oh,” Dani says. Her face feels suddenly hot. “Then a friend?”

Jamie laughs, and Dani joins her.

 _Why are you being so weird about this?_ she asks herself. It’s silly. Jamie is allowed to do what she wants.

“A friend, sure.”

* * *

It only takes Dani a week and a half to find their perfect apartment. Well, she thinks it’s perfect, anyway. Jamie doesn’t seem to have much of an opinion on the matter, which is just ridiculous because she’ll be living here too. She’s not just along for the ride.

So, Dani makes sure she picks a place where she thinks Jamie will be happy. One with a kitchen large enough to have a corner for the kettle and tea along with a coffeepot for Dani, with more than one window for her plants to get all the light they need. It’s close enough to the Manor for Jamie to still walk, and close enough to the subway line Dani takes to her school that it won’t add much time to her commute.

“It’s beautiful,” Dani says as they finish their tour. “Do you like it?”

“Anywhere with you,” Jamie says. It sounds sad, but Jamie is smiling, so Dani just beams back at her.

* * *

The apartment quickly becomes Dani’s happy place.

It’s not anything about the apartment physically, though the light is nice enough and there’s more than one free counter in the kitchen, something nearly unheard of in the city. It’s not the furniture, carefully thrifted by Dani to make the place cozy and comfortable. It’s not even that, for the first time in her life, Dani feels like she has a place of her own, somewhere she belongs.

No, it’s that the apartment gives her access to Jamie, almost any time she wants.

Jamie is there when Dani wakes up in the morning with a fresh cup of coffee for Dani, even though she doesn’t drink the stuff herself. Jamie stays up later than Dani and wakes up earlier and somehow greets Dani each morning with a smile softer than the last. When Dani falls asleep on the couch during a terrible movie, it’s Jamie that prods her awake and makes her go to bed. Jamie is there when Dani gets off work most afternoons, unless there’s a meeting that keeps her at the school past four. On those nights, Dani stays up, waiting for Jamie to get home. The feeling she gets when Jamie walks through that door after midnight isn’t something she can rightly explain.

Owen misses her though, so when he calls her and invites her for a night out, she says agrees even though it’s Jamie’s night off and Dani had been looking forward to spending it with her.

They sit down at a nice restaurant Dani has never been to, make casual conversation for a few minutes about each of their new apartments. It’s nice, and she realizes rather suddenly just how much she’s missed her friend. It’s like her worldview has been focused solely on Jamie lately.

“I wanted to show you something, actually.”

Owen pulls a ring box out of his pocket.

“Oh my god, Owen!”

The ring is simple, beautiful, and Dani’s eyes immediately well up with tears.

“I know, it’s too soon — it’s mental to even be thinking about, really. I’m not going to ask her yet, probably not for a long time, I… I just wanted to have it ready, you know, for when the moment is right.”

It’s romantic, the right kind of love, and she knows when Owen does ask Hannah will be so much happier than Dani was when Eddie dropped to one knee.

“It’s beautiful.” She stares at it for a few more seconds. “Can I tell Jamie?”

Owen laughs. “The two of you, I swear.”

“Please? She’s going to be so excited.”

“Only if you swear her to secrecy. I mean it.”

“Of course,” Dani says. She stands up, walking around the table to hug Owen. “I’m so happy for you.”

He deserves this more than anyone she knows.

* * *

When Dani gets home, she’s surprised to find the living room empty. The lights are on, so she knows Jamie’s home.

 _Probably just getting something from her room,_ Dani thinks. She could wait, but she doesn’t have the patience, so she walks right up to Jamie’s door and throws it open.

“You will _not_ believe what — oh my god.”

She covers her eyes as fast as she can, but it’s not quick enough to miss just what’s going on in Jamie’s bed. She shuts the door behind her with a definitive slam and slinks off to her room.

* * *

Dani can't stop thinking about it.

They talk about it, establish more boundaries as roommates. The problem is fixed, gone, as easy as a discussion about who left plates in the sink, but Dani _can’t stop thinking about it._

The smooth skin of Jamie's back, the thighs wrapped around Jamie's head, the fingers pulling taut curly hair.

It's over the line. It's definitely not something _friends_ think about.

But she can't stop.

She can half convince herself that it was the action itself, not the people doing it, that has her on edge. She hasn't been with anyone since she left Eddie, and before then, it wasn't... well, it certainly wasn't whatever Trish was experiencing. So, she’s curious, of course she is. How could she not be?

She _tries_ not to think about it — try being the operative word. It's an effort, an exhaustive one, and one she comes close to failing at a few too many times for comfort, especially when she's around Jamie. When she’s around Jamie, it’s practically all she can think about.

She’s never had these thoughts about another person before, never mind a woman. Thoughts like this don't happen in Dani's life. She’s not the kind of person who fantasizes, not about her friends. Not about anyone specific at all, actually. Her dreams always feature someone faceless, shapeless even; they fade further as soon as she wakes.

But Dani can’t stop thinking about Jamie, Jamie, _Jamie_.

The arch of her back, the silhouette of her chest, the sheen on her mouth as she turned to face Dani, pupils blown and cheeks flushed.

_Jamie. Jamie. Jamie._

Jamie suggests that Dani get back out there, start dating again. If Jamie can do it, why can’t Dani? It doesn’t have to be a relationship. It can be casual. Like Jamie and Trish.

_Jamie. Jamie. Jamie._

It’s a constant, low-level chant running through her mind, a distant thrum that runs through the depths of her being.

Jamie seems to notice, after a few days, that Dani is avoiding being near her. She thinks if Jamie were to touch her, something as simple as a brush of skin against her own in passing, she might combust.

“You all right, Poppins?” Jamie asks.

Dani’s hum in response it too high-pitched, her smile too tight, her nod too fast.

It all comes to a head one Saturday night, when Jamie is at work.

It’s been a week of torture, courtesy of her own mind, and she thinks Jamie might be starting to notice. Maybe if she takes care of it, it’ll go away. Maybe she will stop having inappropriate thoughts about her friend and can go back to normal. Maybe she can go back out on dates, or sit on the couch next to Jamie and think about something other than what it would feel like to be touched by her.

Because she’s straight, she knows she is. Out of all the things that have changed in her life in the past year, everything she's thrown into the lurch — her relationship, her location, her job — _that_ was one thing she knew about herself for certain. And straight girls don’t have thoughts like _this_ about their female friends. She knows that. She doesn’t want to question what this all means. She just needs it to go away.

Dani closes her bedroom door. She’s alone, and should be for hours, but it still feels safer, more secure. She hasn’t done this often in her life. It was never something she enjoyed, too focused on the details of it to find any real pleasure.

But as she moves, stretched out across her bed in the dark, she finds that her body is responding to her touch in a way she hasn’t felt in a long time, maybe ever. She shivers as soon as her hand lands on her stomach. Her skin is hot under her fingers, burning from a week of thoughts she hasn’t allowed herself to have. They all come rushing to the forefront in an instant.

She knows that she has to be quiet, no matter what. She can only allow a harsh panting to leave her lips.

Her fingers start to move, slowly, hesitantly. She works at the buttons of her jeans and pulls her legs free. Her fingertips trail back up her legs, imagining the touch of someone else.

_Jamie, Jamie, Jamie._

She pushes the thoughts down. Now is not the time. It’s one thing to be distracted by thoughts of her friend, it’s an entirely different thing to think of her while touching herself.

Her fingers trace the outside of her underwear, trembling. She pictures a head of curls between her legs. She doesn’t give a face to the fantasy, though she knows full well who it is.

This is just an experiment. Something to get her out of her recent funk. It doesn’t have to mean _anything._

Her finger slides underneath the cotton. She lets out a soft, quiet moan, just a hint of a cry as her fingers finally find what they’re looking for. Her hand moves, fingertips rapidly skirting back and forth.

She swallows the sounds that try to escape, her throat tensing. Her legs shift open as she moves faster, her eyes clenched shut to keep her imagination from going wild.

_Jamie, Jamie, Jamie._

The name burns against her lips before she can stop it. It’s a choked, stifled cry, a wave of pleasure racing too fast through her body, pulling the sound from her. The blood rushes in her ears until she can’t hear herself think, can’t focus on anything besides the pressure between her legs, building, building…

Her entire body arches against the sheets, her free hand rising quickly to her mouth to muffle the noises she can’t seem to stop. She comes with a violent cry, one that she doesn't even recognize as her own. She collapses back against the bed, panting.

She doesn’t open her eyes as the wave dissipates and her body stills, the room silent. She waits for the throbbing pulse to quiet, willing her thoughts to stay dormant.

_Jamie, Jamie, Jamie._

Damnit.

She’s about to try again — maybe she just hadn’t done it right — when she hears something out in the living room. Dani practically jumps off her bed, scrambles for a pair of sweatpants to pull on.

Jamie is standing in the kitchen, staring into a tumbler. She looks as if she’s just gotten back from work, and Dani relaxes a little, leaning against her doorframe.

“Thought I heard you. You just get home?”

She needs to know, to be sure that Jamie hadn’t _heard_ her.

“Yeah, just got off. You have a good night?”

Dani nods. She feels a bit better, at least, even if the thoughts aren’t completely gone. She pushes off the door and walks into the living room, finding a seat on the couch.

“I missed you,” she says without thinking, still high on whatever the hell had just happened in her room. She shakes her head, focuses on saying something normal and sane. Friendly. “How was work?”

They turn on the television, and for the first time in a week Dani is able to sit next to Jamie on the couch and not feel like she’s a crazy person.

She picks a movie with deliberately no romance involved, just in case.

* * *

Dani is having a perfectly good day until her mother calls.

It’s the first time she’s called in months, since the disaster in Iowa, actually, and Dani has trouble hiding the vitriol from her voice as soon as she recognizes who is on the other side of the line.

“Your birthday is in a week, you know.”

“I know,” Dani says, staring at the wall. She hasn’t celebrated her birthday in a long time — since her father died, really.

“So I’ll be there on Tuesday. The return flight was cheaper for Friday, so I won’t be able to stay the full day of your birthday, but —“

“You — you what?” Dani’s hands are shaking, so she wedges the receiver between her shoulder and ear. “Did you get a hotel?”

“Of course not, Danielle, I’ll be staying with you.”

“We don’t have room.”

“You have a couch, don’t you?”

Dani sighs. “I… I don’t know. I’ll have to run it by Jamie.”

“The new roommate?”

“Yes, mom. I can’t just have a guest come for a week without asking first. It’s rude.”

“I’m not a guest. I’m your mother.”

Dani hangs up the phone with a frustrated sigh a few minutes later. This is not how she wants to spend her birthday, but it seems as if she doesn’t have a choice.

* * *

Jamie is fine with it, because Jamie is somehow always fine. Steady, calm, Jamie, who lets everything roll off her back. She deals with Karen easily the day she arrives. She turns on the charm, flashes a fake smile, and her mother, uptight as she is, actually returns it.

“Mom, this is Jamie.”

“The woman my daughter won’t stop talking about,” Karen says, and Dani rolls her eyes. Like her mother had spoken to her enough in the past few months to know anything about Jamie, besides the details Dani had filled the silence of the cab ride from the airport with.

She’s a bartender, she’s lovely, she’s funny, she has a lot of plants and wears work overalls even when she’s relaxing at home. She makes Dani coffee, makes her laugh, makes her happy.

_Jamie, Jamie, Jamie._

Okay, maybe she _had_ said a little too much to her mother about Jamie in one car ride, but it was just because she was desperate to talk about anything other than her disastrous trip in May.

* * *

They plan a party for the night her mother leaves, and it can’t come soon enough. Especially not when her mother corners her in the kitchen Friday morning after Jamie left with Trish and apparently didn’t come home.

“She’s gay, then?”

Dani, hackles raised, doesn’t turn and face her mother, keeping her hands busy in the sink as she washes dishes.

“Yes.”

The conversation is anything but pleasant, but that’s not surprising when it comes to her mother.

What’s surprising is how easily Jamie defuses it. She just walks into the room, breezy as ever. “Went for a walk,” she explains.

She hadn’t spent the night out with Trish, turns out. Dani isn’t sure why the wave of relief washes over her.

Dani almost thinks that Jamie hadn’t heard any of the terrible things her mother had said, until they’re out on the street and she takes a long drag of her cigarette before she says something about corrupting Dani’s good nature with a smirk.

The words themselves would normally be enough to have Dani’s mind following a dangerous rabbit hole, but all she feels right now is… awful.

“I’m so sorry,” Dani says. Jamie shouldn’t have to deal with this sort of thing, not in her own house, not because of _Dani._

But Jamie smiles at her, bright and unswayed by Karen Clayton’s abject awfulness.

“It matters much more to me what you think than your mother.”

Dani is warm all over, and of course she is, because it’s _July,_ and it’s seventy degrees even though the sun has only been up a few hours.

“I think you’re the best thing to happen to me in a really long time,” Dani lets herself admit. It’s worth it when Jamie’s smile grows wider.

* * *

Owen and Hannah are already at the apartment when Dani comes back from dropping her mother off.

If she wasn’t feeling her age before that week, a few days with Karen Clayton are enough to make anyone feel years older.

But her friends are all waiting for her at when she gets home, Jamie hands her a drink, and Dani thinks that she can maybe forget about the terrible, very bad week she’s just endured and have fun on her birthday for the first time in a long time.

* * *

Dani gets drunker than she means to. It’s not her fault, exactly. Jamie really is excellent at making cocktails, and by the time it’s Owen’s turn to mix her drinks she isn’t really tasting them anymore. Anyway, it’s her birthday, and she’s had a _week._

Trish arrives after Dani’s finished her fifth drink. Sixth? Who’s counting, really?

Trish seems nice. Trish seems perfectly fine, really. So why is that Dani has to force herself to smile at her after Trish leans in and kisses Jamie on the cheek?

She puts some distance between herself and Jamie for the rest of the night, not trusting her thoughts to stay trapped in her mind. They echo and echo until she doesn’t think she can take it anymore. And then suddenly, they’re gone. Jamie is gone.

_Where did she go?_

Dani stumbles around the room. She finds Trish, talking to Hannah. She finds Owen, and he tries to convince her to have another drink. She declines, she’s had _quite enough_ thank you. She has to resist calling out Jamie’s name in the crowd, thankfully acknowledging in the back of her mind that it would be a weird thing to do.

She makes for the balcony, hoping no one will be out there, so she can catch her breath, clear her mind and stop these damn thoughts about Jamie, Jamie, _Jamie._

Except… Jamie is out there, lit dimly by a streetlight, smoking a cigarette. When she looks over at Dani her eyes are just a bit too large, and Dani has to hold herself back, or she thinks she might fall in.

“Needed some air,” Jamie explains, and Dani knows the feeling. She sidles up next to Jamie, leans casually against the railing, tries to ignore the pull of her body towards her best friend. “You having a good time?”

Jamie is always looking after Dani, always caring for her. Dani doesn’t know what she did to deserve Jamie, but she’s so damn thankful she’s here. The words are spilling out before she has time to stop them.

“You’re always doing such nice things for me. You’re the best, y’know? My best friend.”

And if Jamie is put off by this she doesn’t show it, instead grinning as she leans a little closer to Dani.

“Thank you for letting me move in with you, and for putting up with my mother, and for this party.” There’s a million things she thinks she should be thanking Jamie for, most of all that she’s allowed to have her in her life. “I just don’t know what my life would be like if I had never met you.”

She looks over at Jamie. The street below is swimming with color, but Jamie is still, Jamie is steady, calm, _beautiful._ Dani wants to reach out and touch her, but Jamie beats her to it, hands grabbing Dani by the elbows and holding her. Grounding her.

“I wish you could see how wonderful you are,” Dani says, smiling while she does it. Jamie is so close now it feels like a dream. Maybe it is, Dani doesn’t know. “You’re beautiful,” she whispers. “Like a sunrise, or the first snow when it falls on everything, soft. Beautiful.”

The world falls away, and all Dani can see is Jamie, Jamie, _Jamie_.

She doesn’t realize how close she is to kissing her until the door slides open behind them and Dani is jolted back to reality with an unpleasant shock.

“There you are.”

It takes Dani a second to recognize Trish, but when she does she’s filled with immediate, overwhelming guilt.

“Getting friendly?”

Dani’s eyes swim with sudden tears, her fingers digging into her palms because how could she be so _stupid_?

Jamie has Trish, a girl who has way more rights to her than Dani does, a girl Jamie would almost certainly rather be out here with, a breath away from kissing. Trish, who just walked out on Dani almost making a huge, tremendous mistake, one that she isn’t sure she can come back from.

Dani is _straight_ , Trish isn’t, and Jamie…

“I’m sorry,” she says. She feels the railing hit the small of her back as she steps away. “I’m…”

She doesn’t know what else to say, so she leaves. She runs, practically, or as close to it as she can manage in her current state. She runs, finds her bedroom, closes the door behind her and tries to remember to breathe.

She’s straight, she knows she is. So why did she almost just kiss her best friend?

* * *

She wakes up blissfully ignorant.

Well, bliss is maybe a strong word.

Her head is screaming at her as she pulls herself out of bed. Her mouth feels like it’s covered in cough syrup flavored sandpaper.

Jamie is in the living room. She looks up at Dani as she emerges and just _stares._ Dani figures she must look frighteningly awful.

“Morning,” she says.

“Missed that mark. It’s quarter past twelve.”

“Jesus.” Dani rubs her face, trying to push the headache out from behind her eyes.

Dani doesn’t remember, until she does, and the pain in her head increases tenfold as she stares at the bottle of wine on the counter, the bottle Trish had come with.

“Oh my god.” The words aren’t supposed to come out, but now that they have Dani just says them louder. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean—“ she turns to Jamie, fumbling for her words, wishing her brain wasn’t full of cotton at the moment. “Was she mad?”

“Trish?” Jamie asks. Dani wonders if she’s teasing her, and the alcohol still sitting in her stomach stirs.

“No, Jamie, your other girlfriend.”

“I think we’ve already had a chat about that girlfriend word.”

Now isn’t the time to be _cute,_ but Jamie’s doing an awfully good job at it. “Jamie, can you please just tell me if I ruined things for you, because I —“

 _I’d hate myself,_ gets left unsaid, because Jamie interrupts her.

“It’s fine,” she says. She insists, actually. “We’re not in a relationship.”

Right. She’s said it more than once, but Dani still doesn’t quite understand it. Jamie likes Trish, Dani can see that plainly, so why are they not together?

Now isn’t the time to ask.

“So you don’t hate me?” she asks instead.

“You really think it’s possible for me to hate you?” Jamie says, smiling like that’s all the answer Dani needs. It isn’t, not really, because of course Jamie could hate Dani. Dani is a ruiner. She ruins things, like her lifelong friendship with Eddie, and she almost ruined things with Jamie, too.

“Relax, Poppins.”

“Okay, I’m relaxed.” She’s not. “You’re sure, you’re not mad? Because I shouldn’t have just tried to kiss you like that. It wasn’t… right.”

“Nothing to be mad about,” Jamie says like it’s the easiest thing in the world. “Besides, you could do worse, as far as drunken attempts at kisses go. Glad you didn’t grab onto one of Owen’s grubby friends.”

“Right.” She doesn’t think that would’ve happened, _could’ve_ happened. Jamie was the only person Dani could see last night.

“We’ve all had one too many, and things got weird, blah blah. Happens to the best of us. We can just forget it ever happened.”

“Right,” Dani says again, then forces herself to say something else, to be normal. “We’ll just forget about it. Move on.”

* * *

Dani is going to move on. She’s going to go back to normal. Things will be fine, she’ll be fine, and Jamie will stop looking at her like _that_.

It’s unsettling, really, because as okay as Jamie seemed the day after, she’s clearly holding herself back from Dani as the days pile on. It’s fine, really. Dani understands. If a friend tried to kiss her, she’d probably be a bit reluctant around them for a bit too. But she can fix this, she can get back to normal.

She starts going on dates again. That’ll show Jamie, she’s sure, that it was just a blip on the radar, a drunken mishap that they can laugh about years down the line. It has nothing to do with proving to herself that men are still what she wants.

Except the men are… well, they’re not _interesting._ They’re boring, or self-involved, or any other number of things that Dani picks out too easily. She needs to do this, she knows she does, so one night after one of the guys walks her to her door she stands on her toes and kisses him.

It’s easy. It doesn’t make her heart drop, or her face flush, but it’s nice.

It’s _normal_. She can do this.

* * *

Dani is doing fine, really, until Jamie starts avoiding her. It comes with little warning. One day, they’re sitting in the kitchen, Dani telling her about her date.

The next, Jamie is… gone.

Not gone, gone. Her stuff is still there. There’s evidence of her around, witness marks of the places she’s been. An empty mug in the sink, a pair of boots near the door.

Dani is back at work, preparing for the school year with meetings and conferences. When she gets home, Jamie’s already left for the Manor, even though it’s early afternoon and the bar doesn’t open for hours.

Dani tries to wait up for Jamie, but the latest she makes it is two a.m., and even that doesn’t seem to be enough. She has a right, of course, to go out after work, to have fun with whomever she wants. Trish, maybe, or some other girl that Dani hasn’t met yet, because Jamie doesn’t _do_ relationships.

She has a right, of course, but that doesn’t stop Dani from worrying.

“I think I’ve done something wrong,” she confesses to Owen. It’s the third night in a row she’s called him, asking if Hannah’s heard from Jamie, if she’s okay. “I think… I think she’s mad at me, maybe?”

“Oh, I doubt that,” Owen says. “Maybe she’s just… going through something. God knows there are stretches when I’m off. Give her time, love.”

“Right,” Dani says. “I’m sure you’re right, I just…”

_I miss her._

It’s a pathetic feeling after less than a week of not seeing Jamie’s face, but it’s an overpowering one that Dani can’t seem to fight anymore.

That Saturday, she ignores her usual routine and waits. Jamie is home, she’s sure of it, because when she woke up on the couch at sunrise for the fifth time that week, there was a blanket covering her that hadn’t been there before.

Sweet, kind Jamie.

So she waits.

She needs to distract herself while she does it, so she sets about making coffee, then pancakes. It’s almost noon when Jamie’s door finally opens, and Dani tries not to look too excited.

 _Normal,_ she reminds herself. _This is all normal._

Except Jamie is out the door as soon as she can be, and Dani sinks back into the couch, trying to push away the nagging feeling that she’s done something wrong.

She doesn’t understand. Jamie was fine. They were _fine._ Why had things changed?

She gets a call that night, from the man who she’d kissed her just the week before. Dani remembers celebrating it, like it meant things would be better between her and Jamie if she just proved that she was still the same Dani Clayton she’s been all along.

He leaves a message on the machine, ending it with his phone number in case she wants to go out again. Dani deletes it without calling back.

* * *

It’s been almost two weeks of this purgatory when Dani sees Jamie again. It’s probably just because it’s been so long, but Dani can’t stop staring. She looks…

“Wow.”

“Scrub up when I need to.” Jamie smiles at her, and Dani feels her cheeks heat.

“I didn’t think you were going to come,” Dani admits, voice soft. She knows now isn’t the time to talk about something like this, but she’s not sure when she’ll have another shot. “You’ve been so busy.”

“Wouldn’t miss it,” Jamie says, but Dani isn’t even sure if that’s true. “And Hannah may have threatened my life if I missed her birthday party.”

That sounds more like the truth. She smiles, hands nervous in front of her as she tries to decide how to handle this.

“Want to go together?” she offers, because if Jamie says no, she can take that as a definitive sign that something really is wrong, that Jamie really is avoiding her and not inexplicably busy. If she says no, Dani can deal with it. At least it will be better than this uncertainty.

“Sure,” Jamie says, and Dani relaxes a little. Maybe she’s blowing things out of proportion. They’ve been out of sync before. This is just another one of those times, and things will all be better soon — maybe even starting tonight.

Except the ride there is excruciatingly silent. Dani wants to fill it with small talk, with anything, but all she can think to say is “what did I do wrong?” and that’s not a conversation this poor taxi driver should have to be a part of.

When they’re nearing the restaurant, Dani isn’t sure she can stand it any longer. “Here’s fine,” she leans forward and says. He pulls over to the curb. Jamie gets out first, holding the door open for Dani.

They walk without saying anything, which could be expected at this point, but it just pushes Dani further. She needs to say something, _do_ something to fix this.

“Before we go in there, I just want to say something.”

Jamie looks at her like she’s been waiting for this all along. Dani doesn’t know what to make of that, so she keeps talking.

“I know I messed up. Things have been weird between us, and I’m sorry.”

Jamie’s eyebrows quirk upwards, the way they do when Dani says something she’s not expecting. “You didn’t—“

Dani cuts her off before she can finish denying it. She can’t pretend that this is fine anymore, that this isn’t splintering her soul.

So Dani tells her all the things on her mind in the past two weeks, how much she misses Jamie, how much she wants her back in her life. It feels ridiculous really, because their lives are so intertwined at this point that Dani doesn’t know where she ends and Jamie begins, but all that means is the distance between them feels like it’s pulling Dani in two.

“This has been one of the longest months of my entire life, and I just miss you.”

She finishes off her speech with a quiet admission, one Jamie immediately returns.

“I miss you too. I’m sorry,” Jamie says. Dani shakes her head, because Jamie isn’t the one who has to be sorry, here. Even if Jamie has been the one avoiding her, it’s because of what Dani did.

“I know I shouldn’t have tried to kiss you,” she says.

It’s not the sort of conversation they should be having before a party. It’s not a conversation she ever pictured herself having at all, not with a woman, not with her best friend. But Dani, more confused about that subject than she’s willing to admit, pushes the thought away.

“It wasn’t fair to you. You don’t want to be an experiment, or a —“ she stops, unable to finish that sentence, uncertain of what it would mean. “Could we please just go back to the way things were?”

“I’m trying to do that.”

Anger flashes through Dani for the first time in this conversation.

“By avoiding me?”

“I’m not —“

Jamie goes to deny it again, and Dani can’t hear that. She takes a step closer, resisting the urge to snatch Jamie’s hand into hers. “Jamie, please. I just want my friend back. Tell me what I have to do to get my best friend back.”

Jamie sighs, looks away, and Dani’s heart breaks. This is what she was afraid of, this moment here, where Jamie can’t look at her when she admits that she doesn’t think they _can_ go back.

Except she doesn’t do that.

“Can we just get through tonight? We’ll get through the night, then we’ll talk about this.”

It’s a small offering a hope, one that Dani desperately needs.

“We’ll fix it?”

Jamie nods, promises they’ll talk, and then they’re walking through the doors together, closer than they’ve been in nearly a month.

* * *

Dani keeps her distance from Jamie at the party. She knows if they’re together, if they’re left alone for even a moment, she won’t be able to contain herself. As nice as the bit of hope Jamie had given her was, it’s just created a burning need for further reassurance that things between them aren’t going to be this awkward forever.

So Dani gets a drink, sipping it carefully as she talks to Hannah, then Owen. She doesn’t want to get drunk, not tonight, maybe not ever again. She’s had plenty of that, knows the consequences too well.

Sober or not, though, she can’t take her eyes off Jamie.

Jamie, who is apparently being thoroughly flirted with at the moment. Dani watches as the woman gives Jamie her card, as Jamie looks at it with a small smile before tucking it into her pocket, and Dani’s heart ices over with the sudden realization of what it all means.

She doesn’t want Jamie to be enamored with a girl at a party, or hooking up with a friend on the weekends. She wants Jamie to herself. She wants quiet mornings in their apartment, when they're both not awake enough to talk yet. She wants afternoons in the park or curled up on the couch with a book. Evenings spent in a laughter-filled kitchen. Nights spent in each other's arms.

It's with a terrible, sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach that Dani realizes what she wants with Jamie, and just how far it is from the friendship that she’s been telling herself for weeks now that she desperately needs to hold on to.

She’s so focused on her realization that she can’t hide the look on her face when Jamie’s eyes lock on hers. Jamie startles, drops her gaze, and backs away.

_Fuck._

Dani’s feet carry her towards the bathroom before she can tell them not to. Jamie looked upset, hurt, and though she doesn’t understand why, Dani has to, no, _needs_ to fix it.

Jamie’s eyes find her in the mirror, sullen. “Dani,” she greets weakly.

“Can we talk?” Dani’s body is drawn to her. Now that she’s recognized the thought, the _want_ behind it, it’s all that she can do not to reach out and touch her.

“I thought we said we could just get through tonight.”

“Well, I can’t,” Dani starts, then stops. She can’t get through the night, needs to know if she’s lost her goddamn mind. “I can’t just stand there and watch you — watch you —“

The words won’t come out. Once she says them, there’s no taking it back. Her life hinges on this moment. The Dani Clayton who felt so confidently that she knew who she was will be gone forever. Maybe she’s been gone for months now. Maybe she’s been gone since the second she left Iowa, left Eddie. Maybe there’s no getting her back and she should just _jump._

“What? Watch me what, Dani?” Jamie sounds frustrated. It’s not what Dani wants. Dani wants kind Jamie, patient Jamie, not the one standing before her now, buzzing with an anxious energy bordering on anger.

“I don’t know.”

“Watch me talk to a woman? Be _gay_?” Jamie nearly spits the word at her, and Dani flinches. “Is that what’s bothering you?”

“No, of course not,” Dani says, but it is in a way. But it’s not a way that Jamie knows about, could understand at this moment, so she shakes her head. “That’s not fair.”

“Not fair? That’s rich.” Jamie scoffs, and Dani shrinks.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

The silence hangs between them for a few seconds too long, until Jamie sighs, looking away as the anger fades from her stance.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that. It’s just that… you’re the one who tried to kiss me, remember?”

Dani does remember, though it’s taken her weeks to really grasp it. She remembers how she felt that night, unmoored, like Jamie was the only thing she could hold on to to steady herself. She wishes she could do that now.

“I was — I was doing just fucking _fine_ until you tried to kiss me, and now it’s all I can think about. It’s entirely unfair.”

Dani freezes. “It is?” she asks, voice meeker than she’d like.

Her eyes fall to Jamie’s lips, suddenly consumed with the thought of them.

“It’s all you can think about? You… think about kissing me?”

For all the hope Dani’s voice holds, Jamie doesn’t seem to notice. Her eyes drop to the tile floor. “I’m sorry.”

Dani’s body moves of its own volition again, closing what distance remains between them. Her fingertips graze the back of Jamie’s hand — their first contact since Dani tried to kiss her — and she has to repress a shiver.

“Dani, what —“

If there was any doubt in her mind — any at all, about what this could mean — it’s gone as soon as their lips touch.

Their mouths meld together, Dani’s fingers digging into fabric and pulling Jamie closer. She wants to feel Jamie against her, needs to know that this is real. Not a dream. Not a fantasy. _Real_.

This is what she’s been missing all her life, and now that she’s felt it she doesn’t know how to live without it. It’s like electricity.

How long had she been living in the dark?

Jamie tilts her head, deepens the kiss, and Dani melts away. Her hands find Jamie’s hair, running her fingers through the curls she’s been dreaming of for weeks.

All she can feel is Jamie.

Jamie.

_Jamie._

Then the bathroom door swings open and breaks the spell.

Dani pulls away, face flush with desire and embarrassment. The woman who entered the room looks between them, then walks into a stall.

Dani wants to hide her face forever.

Jamie blinks open her eyes, in a daze.

“Dani —“

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I don’t — I didn’t —“

Dani can’t be in here for another second, can’t stand to be in this tiny room with too many people in it and not enough air.

She breaks out into the hallway, thoughts an undecipherable jumble.

How did she go from missing her best friend to kissing her senseless in the span of just a few minutes? How does something like that just happen? At the start of the day she knew who she was and now — _now,_ all she can think about is Jamie.

Jamie, whose smile can make Dani feel the warmth of the sun.

Jamie, who held on to her as they kissed like she was afraid Dani was going to float away.

Jamie, who is frantic as she follows her into the hallway. Jamie, who just wants to take care of Dani, like she always does. “It’s all right. I get it,” she says, even though Dani is entirely sure that she doesn’t. She proves it a second later when she says, “it doesn’t have to mean anything.”

But Dani wants it to mean something. Needs it to, can’t listen to Jamie say for another second that it’s nothing, that it meant nothing.

“Jamie,” she starts, but the words are caught in her throat.

Jamie does her best to smile. “Come on, let’s get out of here. Let’s talk about this, we can —“

Dani shakes her head violently. Because as much as all of this is about Jamie, it’s really about Dani. She can’t talk about this, not now, not when she can’t string a single thought together that isn’t _panic._

“I’m sorry, I — I shouldn’t have —“ Dani’s entire world is tilting on its axis, and even Jamie — steady, calm, Jamie — looks thrown off, is tumbling around with everything else.

“I get it. It’s okay. We can just forget it, right?” Dani squeezes her eyes shut. No, _no_ , she won’t be able to forget this. “We’ve both been drinking.”

“I can’t.”

She needs to get out of here.

She can’t think, she can’t breathe.

She needs to go.

“I’m sorry.”

* * *

Dani wanders for a long time.

The night is early still, according to her watch when she finally remembers to check it. She walks, and walks, until her feet start to ache in her heeled boots. She finds a bench at an empty bus stop and sits on it, staring out at nothing.

“You shouldn’t be out here alone,” a voice says next to her. She looks over at the man sitting beside her and frowns.

She’s about to tell him that it’s none of his business what she does, where she has an existential crisis, when she recognizes him. “Larry?”

“Hm,” he says. She’s not sure if it’s an acknowledgement of the fact that they know each other, or maybe an indicator that he has no idea who she is.

She’s dreaming, she’s sure of it, because what are the chances that she would run into Larry of all people, out here on the streets of New York? It’s not until she looks around that she realizes she’s walked herself to the bus stop right outside the Manor.

 _Jesus, you’re a mess,_ she thinks.

Even her subconscious is yearning for Jamie. How had she never noticed this before? How had she been so stupid?

“You look sad,” Larry says, drawing her attention back into the real world. “You want to hear a story?”

“Sure, Larry,” Dani says.

Larry’s story is more of a list of trivial knowledge. It’s comforting, in a way, even though she’s heard most of it before. He doesn’t even pause to quiz her until he gets to Bogart.

“And you know what his first movie was?”

Dani shakes her head.

“C’mon, you know it,” Larry says. “I’ve told you a hundred times.”

Dani sniffles. When had she started crying? She wipes at her face, hoping her makeup isn’t too smeared. “Sorry, Larry. I’m a mess.”

“Up the River.” Larry leans towards her. “John Ford. Great director, good movies. Did you know…”

They sit there for at least an hour. Buses come and go, and Dani wonders what it is Larry is waiting for, if he has anywhere to go.

“You feeling better?” he asks after a while.

Dani nods. She isn’t feeling _better_ , per se, but the world has stopped spinning, and she doesn’t feel as if she’s being swallowed whole by dread. Her thoughts are clearer and her hands have stopped shaking, at least.

“A little, thank you.” Her voice sounds hoarse to her own ears.

“Good. Don’t like seeing you girls upset. Jamie…” he starts, then trails off. Dani looks up at the mention of her name. “She reminds me of my daughter. Annie. Beautiful kid. She doesn’t talk to me anymore, but Jamie does. She’s a good person. Better than most I’ve met.”

“She really is.”

“Don’t like seeing her upset.”

“Me either.”

Larry hums. “She’s been in a bad spot for a few weeks.”

“She has?”

“Yep, yep. Haven’t seen her this way since you were out of town a while back.”

“What do you mean?” Dani frowns.

“Oh, you know. Sour mood, the way she gets when you two are on the outs. It’s like that every night you don’t walk into that bar. But when you’re there…” he shrugs, sighs. “Well, I’m just saying, she reminds me of my daughter is all, especially around you.”

He stands, groans, holds his back the way he does when he hasn’t moved from the bar in a few hours.

“You chin up now, hear? And you tell that Jamie she’s not allowed to miss work. Jerk-off who owns the place wouldn’t let me drink.”

Dani smiles. “I will, Larry. Thank you.”

After Larry walks away, Dani stares at the sidewalk for a few minutes. She’s left alone with her thoughts, and for the first time in the past few hours she can actually hear them.

She has feelings for Jamie. Deep, undeniable feelings, the kind that can’t be swept to the side or tucked away, can’t be ignored now that they’ve been recognized.

She’s in love with Jamie, and she has no idea what to do with that.

* * *

She starts to walk again. Her feet ache more than ever after an hour of rest, but she knows she can’t spend the night on a bus bench. She also knows she can’t go back home and talk to Jamie.

Not yet. Not until she knows what the hell she’s supposed to do with these feelings. It’s overwhelming, realizing that every second you’ve spent with a person has been piling up like snowflakes, and suddenly, you’re buried deep in something you’ve spent twenty-six years of your life longing for.

Love.

Jamie.

Same thing, really.

So she walks. And walks. And walks.

She’s knocking on the door before she has time to second-guess herself. It only takes a few seconds for it to crack open.

Owen peers at her over the deadbolt chain.

“Jesus, Dani? What’s wrong?”

She must look a mess after wandering the city for hours, tears streaming her cheeks, because Owen throws the door open and pulls her into a hug faster than she thought could be possible.

He ushers her inside. Hannah makes her a cup of tea and throws a blanket over her. She must have started shaking again.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know where else to go,” she says.

“What happened? Did you two fight?”

Hannah is looking at her with more concern that she deserves. Hannah is _Jamie’s_ friend, but she’s looking at Dani like they’re family.

“No, no. Not a fight, I just —“

Dani isn’t sure what to say. They’re not going to shy away from her if she tells them. They’re friends with Jamie after all, they’re not prejudiced. But still, she’s never said it out loud, and she’s not sure whether she can bring herself to.

Hannah pulls her into a hug before she can get the words out.

“It’s all right, dear,” she says. “We’ve got you.”

* * *

It’s around midnight when the phone rings.

Hannah stands to answer it. She glances over at Dani on the couch, and Dani immediately knows who is on the other end of the line.

“Yes,” Hannah says. “She’s okay.”

Hannah turns her back, speaking quietly in a voice that Dani can no longer hear. It’s fair, she knows, for Hannah to be able to have a private conversation in her own home — even if it is about Dani.

“Right. Okay, love. I will. Yes, you too.”

Hannah hangs up the phone with a click. She crosses the room and sits on the couch next to Dani, a hand landing gently on her knee.

“She’s just worried about you, dear.”

Dani’s lip trembles. “I’m sorry. You shouldn’t be in the middle of this, especially not on your birthday. I can go, I can —“

“Don’t be ridiculous, you stay as long as you like. But maybe you could call her? Let her know you’re…” Hannah trails off, knowing that ‘okay’ isn’t a fitting description. “It’s just, I’ve never heard her that… worried.”

Worried. She means upset, Dani just knows it. Jamie’s hurting, and Dani’s curled up on a friend’s couch like a coward.

Dani nods. “Call her. Yes, yeah, I can — I can do that.”

She can. She will.

Just not tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was... a lot. I'm not sure I've ever written 15,000 words over the course of ~36 hours before. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it! I tried not to make it too repetitive. 
> 
> Thank you all for your love and feedback. I'm on Tumblr at [@justawhitewall](https://justawhitewall.tumblr.com) if you want to beat me up :)


	6. Chapter 6

Jamie spends the first hour on the couch, her knees tucked in tight to her chest as she watches the door. Dani will walk in any minute now. She has to.

The second hour, her head is in her hands, fingers massaging her temples.

When midnight rolls around and Dani still hasn’t come back home, the panic starts to set in.Dani could be out there, upset, angry, hurt. She could be running away. She could be _anything_ , and Jamie wouldn’t know jack shit about it because she’s sitting alone in their goddamn apartment moping. Jamie pushes up of the couch, full of a restless energy.She needs to _do_ something. She needs to know where Dani is. But it’s not like she can just hit the streets of New York and start looking for her.

She calls the only person she can think of, praying for an answer.Hannah, thankfully, picks up.

“I’m sorry for calling so late, but I didn’t know who else to…” Jamie draws in a sharp breath, collects herself. “This might sound crazy but is Dani… is she there?”

“Yes.”

Jamie exhales in a rush. “Oh, thank Christ. Is she…”

“She’s okay.” Hannah’s words are careful, measured, and Jamie gets the feeling that this conversation isn’t entirely private.

_Dani._

“Can I talk to her? I really need to — to talk to her.” There’s silence for a few seconds, and Jamie knows the answer is no. “I think I might’ve messed things up. Is she…” Angry? Upset? Buying a ticket back to Iowa?

“She hasn’t said much,” Hannah says. “But I don’t think you could get rid of her if you tried. That girl loves you too much.” Jamie squeezes her eyes shut. If Dani loves her, then why would she run away? Why would she leave her to deal with this mess of emotions?No, Jamie must have messed it up somewhere along the line. She lets out a shaking breath. Hannah must hear it, because her tone takes a dip towards pity.“Why don’t you get some rest? She’s in good hands for the night.”

“Good, good. I’m… god, I’m sorry, it’s your fucking birthday. I’ll — I’ll call you back in the morning?”

“Right. Okay, love,” Hannah says.

“Just make sure she’s…” Jamie isn’t sure what to say, what words could possibly follow, but Hannah seems to understand.

“I will.”

Jamie paces from one end of the living room to the other like a caged animal as she tries to figure out what went wrong.

They kissed. Dani ran away.

Jamie can’t think of a single instance in her life when she’s felt more alone.

* * *

She falls asleep on the couch at some point. It’s a fitful sleep, still in her dress and stockings. Everything hurts the next morning.

The sun has just started to rise when Jamie drags herself from the couch, body protesting spending even another second on the lumpy old thing. She makes a cup of tea, carding her fingers through her hair as she waits for it to brew.The tea is still too hot when she sips from the mug, and it burns her tongue.

She moves through the apartment like a ghost, waiting for her emotions to wake up. There are reminders everywhere she turns.A newspaper open to a half-finished crossword laying on the table. A jacket hanging on her chair. Dani’s empty shoes by the door. Dani’s keys in the bowl.

Dani, Dani, Dani.

 _Dani’s not gone,_ she tells herself. _She’s just…_

Jamie’s jaw clenches as she sets the mug down with a clank, too hard, splashing some tea over the edges. She grips the counter as she stares into the small puddle.

 _Not coming home? Avoiding me? Hiding?_ The first wave of emotion of the morning hits Jamie: anger.

 _Fuck._

The minutes crawl by, slow and colorless. Jamie sits in front of the television, flipping through channels without seeing anything. Her gaze floats back to the phone on the counter. It was a late night at the Sharma-Grose household. She doesn't want to phone them too early, but she’s not sure how much longer she can sit here and do nothing.She makes the call.

“Hello?”

Jamie isn’t sure why she couldn’t predict that Dani of all people might answer.

“Dani?” she asks anyway, just to be sure, like she hasn’t spent months memorizing the accent, tone, cadence of Dani’s voice.

“Hey.” Dani’s speaks in a whisper. It’s only a quarter past eight on a Saturday morning. Hannah and Owen are probably — hopefully — still asleep. She wonders why Dani isn’t either, but she has a feeling she knows the answer.

It’s then that she realizes she has absolutely no idea what to say to Dani. Jamie never really learned how to navigate these kinds of conversations.

“Are you okay?” she asks. It feels too small for this moment.

“Yeah, I’m…” Dani pauses. “I’m sorry, Jamie. I didn’t mean to worry you, I just needed to… think.”

She doesn’t know if she believes that, but she knows that Dani is hurting. There’s no way to make it better without putting herself out there and confronting all of this. Jamie’s not sure that she’s brave enough to do that over the phone, if at all.

“Can you come home?” The silence that follows feels like a physical thing, heavy and pressing and suffocating. Jamie holds her breath, waiting for an answer. When she realizes that one isn’t coming, she inhales, trying to steady herself. “Yeah. Right. Take your time. I’ll just… I’ll be here.”

“I’m sorry,” Dani says again.

She hangs up, not sure what else to do.

* * *

She had told Dani to take her time. She knows that, logically, that could mean anything.She doesn’t think it will mean two entire days of it.

Saturday is filled with plenty of time to think, but thinking is the last thing Jamie wants to do, so she busies herself with the only thing that might make her feel better: getting her hands dirty. She repots a couple of plants, gives the rooms a thorough cleaning, and manages to fix a broken hinge on a loose cabinet door.

It helps, but only a little.

Mid-day, Hannah calls to check in.

“You holding up?” Hannah asks, tentative.

“More or less,” Jamie says. She doesn’t want Hannah to worry about her, but it feels bad to lie to her oldest friend. “How are things over there?”

_How’s Dani?_

“We’re all doing okay. I just wanted to check in. I’m worried about you, love.”

Jamie wants to wave her off, to tell her she has no reason to worry, but she knows better. Hannah won’t buy any of her bull. She sighs. “I just… I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing right now. Sit and stare at the fucking walls?”

“Have you eaten?”

“Well, no.”

“Have you had water?”

“Hannah…”

“Jamie, she’ll come back. Take care of yourself in the meantime, okay? Won’t do the two of you any good to go through all this pain only to have you pass out from dehydration when she’s ready to talk.”

 _When she’s ready_ , Jamie thinks. She wonders how far off that is. Maybe it will be long enough that she won’t be such a mess. Maybe she’ll be able to play it cool — oh, _that_ kiss? — and Dani won’t have any reason to push her further away.

Jamie fixes herself a sandwich and forces herself to eat some of it.

* * *

She calls into work again, feigning the same illness as the night before. Her boss tells her to take the weekend. It’s unusually generous, but she doesn’t want to question it.

At sunset, when Jamie decides that today is not the day that Dani is coming back, she pops open a bottle of wine. It’s red, from a bottle so old she can practically taste the dust, but she doesn’t care.In a way, she figures she’d probably deserved this. She had avoided Dani for much longer than a day. She wonders if it was this miserable for Dani. Dani, after all, hadn’t had the knowledge that at least something had gone wrong. Jamie deprived her of even that.But this — Dani being the one who is gone — feels different. Final.

Dani wouldn’t be the first person to leave Jamie’s life by running and not looking back.

She downs the rest of her glass at the thought and goes to pour another. She knows, from experience, that after the first two glasses is when she starts to get introspective. Tonight, she starts with questioning why anger is always the default for her. It was something she’d worked on in therapy, thought she had gotten past it. But now… Another glass of wine later, and the thoughts have taken a turn towards sad.

She should’ve predicted this turn of events. Dani was too good to keep. Jamie should have known this would happen eventually.

 _Everyone leaves,_ Jamie thinks. But Dani… Dani always seemed different.

_From the second I met her, she’s been nothing but good to me and now…_

_Maybe this_ is _her being good to me. Maybe this is her being kind. Maybe the alternative is much worse and I should just shut up and be grateful that this is all it is, a few days spent in an empty apartment with my thoughts and feelings stinking up the place._

She falls asleep on the couch watching the door.

* * *

Sunday morning starts with a sharp pain in her neck. Sleeping sitting up, it turns out, is not great for her spine. Jamie rolls her head, trying to get the pain to dissipate, but it only gets sharper.

“Fuck,” she hisses as she rubs at her neck. “Too old for this shit.”

It takes a while before she will let herself rise from the couch. Her legs feel like lead and her head feels like someone took out all the vital bits and replaced them with bricks. She staggers to the door and out onto the balcony. The sun is warm and the air smells like rain. She rests her head against the edge of the railing and takes a deep breath.

Much like Saturday, she spends the day in the corner of the couch. Hannah calls, and they have a conversation that starts with Jamie’s apologies for worrying her and ends with Hannah telling Jamie that she loves her.

Sunday brings little clarity for Jamie.She decides to indulge in a new ritual she has, pulling out the notebook she keeps in the kitchen drawer, the one she writes messages on that will never see the light of day. This is definitely an occasion for one of those notes.

 _Dani,_ she writes, tracing over the letters several times until they’re bold and messy on the page.

_I’ve thought a lot about you._

She chews on the end of her pen before continuing.

 _I thought about the way you laugh, the way you bite your fingernails when you’re deep in thought, the way you smile when you talk about books or children. I’ve had a lot of time to think. Forty-eight hours, nearly. It doesn’t sound like a lot of time until you spend it staring at the celing._ _And what I keep thinking is I should’ve known that it would fall apart like this. I liked believing that it never would. That there was something special about the two of us._ _But I guess we were like everyone else, weren’t we? You’re not different from anyone else I’ve ever loved. You left. You’re not the first to leave._

 _I’m angry. I’ve been trying not to be, and that might be part of why this hurts so bad. It’s like it wants to break out of me. To split a hole right through the center of everything._ _I know it’s not your fault. This anger isn’t new, it’s been here all my life and I feel like it’s never going to leave me. Like it’s going to stay here, with me, always._

 _You said that I’m steady, calm. Around you, I feel anything but._ _I’m angry at you for disappearing. But more than that, I’m angry at me for not expecting this. I’m angry at myself for not seeing it coming. Or at seeing it coming, but not doing anything about it._ _I’m angry at myself for having hope._

* * *

Sunday evening the phone rings.Jamie drags herself over to the table reluctantly. Another check-in from Hannah, probably. Most likely not Dani ringing to tell Jamie she’s coming home.She prepares herself for either option, then answers.

“Hello?”

“Jamie! I miss you, you idiot.”

“I — what?”

“When I said I had a girlfriend that didn’t mean we can’t hang out anymore.”

Trish.

Jamie, for the first time in days, cracks a smile. “Didn’t want to tempt you. Irresistible charms and all that.”

“You wish,” Trish says. “You busy?”

Jamie looks at the empty apartment. “Not particularly.”

“Good.”

Trish gives her the address of a bar that Jamie’s never heard of. She promises cheap beer, which, for tonight, sounds pretty good to Jamie.

“So, you going to tell me what happened or make me guess?”

Jamie brings the bottle to her lips, mulls over Trish’s words. “I don’t know what the hell happened, honestly.”

“Wow, that bad?”

“We kissed. I mean, she kissed me, I think. I don’t know, it’s all sort of… fucked.”

“Wait, she kissed you?”

Jamie’s bottle is empty too soon. “Yeah. And then she ran away. Like, literally, ran out of the building two days ago, and I haven’t seen her since.”

“Fuck,” Trish says. “That’s… you’re surprisingly sober, in that case.” She waves over the bartender. “Can we get another round?”

Trish waits until the drinks have arrived before she continues prodding. “So what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know.” Jamie’s jaw feels tight, clenched, and she works it as she thinks. “What is there to do? I think she’s made herself perfectly clear. Only thing left to do is try to salvage what’s left of our friendship.”

“Huh.”

“What?”

“Nothing, nothing. You just didn’t strike me as the kind of person to give up without a fight is all.”

Jamie leans against her hand, looking over at Trish. “Bit tired of fighting. Kind of feel like I’ve been fighting for months, actually.”

“Yeah, but… you were fighting _against_ your feelings. Now that you know she’s interested, you have to fight for her, right?”

“What part of ‘has been avoiding me like the fuckin’ black plague’ sounds like ‘she’s interested’ to you?”

“The part where I saw her at that party that night, Jamie. She was making moon eyes at you for hours. And now you’re saying she actually got up the guts to kiss you?”

Jamie shrugs, unconvinced. “I think she’s just… confused.”

“Wouldn’t you be? I mean, weren’t you ever? It’s kind of hard when you’re first figuring it all out.”

“Yeah, well. That’s just the thing, isn’t it? There’s no way to know without talking to her, and she’s been sleeping on a friend’s couch the past two nights.”

“You sound mad.”

“I am mad,” Jamie snaps, then tries to rub the anger away. “I mean. I think I am, anyway. I’m just… this isn’t fair, you know? We’re adults, we should be talking about things, not hiding from each other.”

 _Hypocrite,_ she scolds herself, like she hadn’t been doing the same thing the past two weeks.

“Maybe she doesn’t know what to say yet.”

“Could be,” Jamie says. Her beer is empty again. “It’s like… I’ve known her for almost a year now, and she never struck me as cruel. Smart enough to be if she wanted, for sure, but never cruel. And now… now I can’t help but feel like I’m being toyed with, like she’s playing cat-and-mouse with my fucking feelings.”

“Does she know about your feelings?”

Jamie glares at her. “Well, no, not exactly.”

“So, I’m pretty sure you see the problem with that line of thinking.”

“Shut it,” Jamie says. “Aren’t you here to make me feel better?”

“I’m here to respectfully point out that you might be acting like an asshole, and to buy you drinks. That’s what friends are for, right?”

“Right,” Jamie says, taking another swig.

It’s nearing midnight they start to stumble down the street towards Jamie’s apartment.

“You can come up, if you want,” Jamie offers. Trish frowns, and Jamie hurries to make herself more clear. “I mean, I have a couch. Comfortable enough depending on your sobriety.”

“Then it'll probably feel like sleeping on a fucking cloud."

Jamie is glad she said yes. She isn’t sure her sanity would survive another night alone with her thoughts. With Trish there, at least Jamie will be forced to sleep in her bed.

Trish follows her up the stairs to the apartment, complaining all the way about the number of flights. “I’m just saying, you could’ve picked an apartment with an elevator,” she says as Jamie fumbles with her keys. “I’m pretty sure they make those.”

“Couldn’t afford it. Besides, I didn’t pick this place.”

_Dani did._

Dani, who said she loved this place from the second she saw it because she could see their life there together, how perfectly they would fit together. Dani, who bought the furniture, who painted the walls and hung the photos on them. Dani, who made it into a home.

Dani, who is sitting on the couch, staring up at Jamie and Trish with an unreadable look on her face.

“Oh, shit,” Trish says, lacking all subtlety.

“Hey,” Dani says. Her eyes dart between the two of them, and Jamie takes a quick step away from Trish, feeling guilty for reasons she can’t describe. After countless hours sitting on that couch, waiting for Dani to walk through the door, here’s Dani doing the very same thing. Jamie feels like the floor has fallen away beneath her.

“On second thought, I — uh, I should probably head back home,” Trish says from behind Jamie. Jamie turns to face her, suddenly panicked. Any notion she had of being prepared to talk to Dani has suddenly vanished.

Trish puts a hand on her shoulder. “Don’t be a stranger, okay? Call me.”

The door closes with a heavy thunk. Jamie backs into it, the world swaying around her. She lets it support her as she tries to figure out what to say to Dani. She’s still trying when Dani stands up, her hands clasped in front of her as if she doesn’t know what else to do with them.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to ruin your plans. She could’ve stayed,” Dani says, entirely unconvincingly.

“It’s fine,” Jamie says. She feels like she’s dreaming. Her brain isn’t connected with the words coming out of her mouth. “How are you?”

Dani stares at her. She has dark patches under both eyes, and her face is pale. She looks lost as she searches for words. Jamie is uncomfortable with the silence. She loses track of how long it’s been — seconds or minutes, she’s too drunk to tell.

“Maybe we should leave this for the morning,” Jamie says. “Clearer heads, all that.”

She pushes off the door and walks past Dani, trying her best to hide the stumble in her gait. Jamie is nearly to her bedroom when she feels Dani’s hand on her arm. The touch is lighter than she expects, but it brings with it a wave of relief so strong that it feels like a physical blow. Jamie turns around, not at all prepared for the tears in Dani’s eyes.

“Could we just…” Dani starts, stops. Her hand falls away from Jamie’s arm, and Jamie misses the touch immediately. But it’s replaced a moment later by Dani’s arms around her neck, pulling her in close for a hug.

“I’m so sorry.” Dani’s voice is muffled against Jamie’s neck, and Jamie represses a shiver. She loses herself in the embrace for a second, indulges in the nearness of Dani. The smell of her hair, the feeling of her pressed close against her, holding her tight.But in her head, she remembers the past two nights and knows better than to let herself forget.

 _You need to be sober for this,_ she reminds herself. When she pulls back, she’s biting the inside of her cheek, trying to keep her emotions in check.

“Tomorrow, okay?” Jamie says, knowing she needs the time to collect her thoughts. “Everything can wait for tomorrow.”

* * *

Jamie presses her face into her pillow, hoping that it will help her drift off.Dani’s words are still ringing through her head, and she feels like all she has is a jumbled, endless loop of “I’m sorry,” running through her mind.A rushed apology before Dani locked herself in her room on her birthday. A whispered apology before Dani left her standing alone in Owen’s restaurant. Several apologies across several miles, connected only by a phone line.

She’s not sure how much time has passed since she went into her bedroom. The world has stopped spinning, but her head now hurts, and her mouth is dry. Her eyes are heavy with sleep, but she can’t convince them to stay closed.She expected to feel something now that Dani’s home. Relief, maybe. Comfort. Even happiness. But she feels nothing but her aching bones. She’s empty, as if the bottom dropped out of her stomach and left her with a hollow cavity.

She sinks deeper into her pillow, trying to be still. She knows that thinking like this won’t solve anything. She needs sleep, she needs to collect herself. She needs to talk to Dani.She just wishes the world would stop moving for a few moments to give her that chance.

When her throat feels so dry that she thinks it might crack, she finally gives up. She sits up and turns the light on. The floor feels cool under her bare feet as she tries to regather her thoughts. She takes a few steps, working out the stiffness in her legs. Two nights spent on a couch have left her body sore beyond its years.

 _Water will help,_ she tells herself as she drags her body towards the door.Except when she opens it, Dani is still sitting on the couch. Jamie’s first instinct is to hide, to bury herself back in her bed and not emerge until morning, when saner, soberer thoughts will prevail. But Dani turns at the noise.

Jamie knows she probably shouldn’t try to speak until her throat feels less like it’s about to shrivel up, so she nods at Dani before she walks into the kitchen and pours herself a glass from the tap. She leans against the counter and quickly downs the water. It does little to relieve the ache in her throat.

“Hey,” Dani says. She’s wearing a faint smile. She looks small, sitting by herself on the couch. There’s a mug in front of her that Jamie figures was once filled with god-awful tea.

“Hey yourself,” Jamie says. The words feel like they’re being dragged out of her, scraping against her vocal cords. She refills the glass with water.

“Can we talk?”

“Now?” Jamie asks. Dani nods. “Jesus, Dani, it’s —“ Jamie pauses, looks at the clock hanging on the wall, the one she’s spent so much time staring at this weekend. “It’s three a.m.”

“Can’t sleep.” Dani shrugs. “Can you?”

Jamie sighs. No point in lying, she supposes. “No.”

“Then can we just… try? I think it might help.”

“Yeah. Okay. We can try.” Jamie takes a few steps closer, but doesn’t join her on the couch. Dani frowns, fidgeting with the hem of her shirt as she begins to talk.

“I know you’re mad.”

Jamie frowns. “I’m not —“

“I read your letter.”

“My… letter?”

Dani glances over at the kitchen counter, and Jamie’s heart sinks. _Oh, fuck._ She hadn’t meant for Dani to read those words. They were just a way to process, to work through her feelings without anyone there to hear them, to judge them.

“I didn’t know if I should, but then I saw it was addressed to me, and I…”

“You read it." Jamie tries her best to recall everything she wrote, remembers only the anger behind her words. In a way, she wishes she were still angry. It’s easy, familiar. Right now, all she feels is sadness. It swells in her chest and throbs in her head and pools in the pit of her stomach.

“I did.” Dani tucks her knees into her chest as she looks at Jamie from across the couch. “I’m sorry.”

Jamie closes her eyes, her head throbbing. Another apology to add to the list.

“For?” Jamie asks, trying to keep her voice even. Calm. Steady. All these things Dani seems to think she is.

“I didn’t mean to… I wasn’t trying to leave. I wasn’t trying to run away. I just needed to think, after… after…”

“After you kissed me?” It annoys Jamie, for some reason, that Dani can’t even bring herself to say the words. “And you couldn’t’ve thought at home?”

It’s an unfair thing to say, and Dani flinches. Jamie wishes she were different, wishes she were capable of having a hard conversation like this without getting prickly, without lashing out.

Dani straightens, her gaze locking on Jamie’s with a fire behind it that Jamie hasn’t seen before. “I could say the same to you, you know. I mean, you were avoiding me for weeks.”

It’s a stalemate that hangs heavily in the quiet of their living room. After a moment, Jamie sighs, uncrossing her arms.

“Okay. So, we were both avoiding each other. We’re both are in the wrong, then. What now?”

“Now we fix it,” Dani says, her face betraying her confident tone.

Jamie shifts her weight on her feet. God, she makes it sound so _simple,_ like they can move on and forget about it. Just pick up the pieces, and it’ll be like the mess was never there.Jamie can’t do that, if the past two days are any indicator.

“How?” Jamie hates how small her voice sounds.

“We talk about it.” Dani scoots over on the couch, making room. “Come here.”

It’s a question, not a demand. Still, Jamie is reluctant as she makes her way over.

“I don’t know what there is to say,” Jamie says. “I want to talk about it, fix things, but I don’t know where to start.”

“What if you just… start with how you feel?”

Easier said than done. “I feel… sorry, I guess? M’sorry I’m so bad at kissing that you needed to run and hide from me for two days?”

Jamie means it as a joke, a deflection, something to break the tension, but Dani isn’t laughing.

“You think… you think I didn’t like it?”

She hates the way the hope stirs in her chest.

“Well, haven’t had many girls flee the vicinity after kissing me, have I? Quite the opposite, usually.”

“Jamie,” Dani says in a low voice. Jamie’s not sure anyone has ever spoken her name the way Dani does. “It was… I mean I really, really… it wasn’t like anything I’ve ever…” Dani sighs, collecting her thoughts. “You know how you said that I deserved someone who made me feel electric?”

Jamie wonders, briefly, if maybe she had fallen asleep after all, and all of this is just a dream. She can’t find her voice, so she nods.

“Kissing you… it was more than that. It was something else entirely. I’ve never felt that way before.”

“Really?” It’s a whisper.

Dani smiles, slow and soft with a hint of uncertainty. Her hand reaches for Jamie’s face, fingers dusting over her cheekbone and coming to rest over her jaw. “Yeah.”

Time slows as Dani leans in, her warm fingers trailing down Jamie’s neck, leaving her skin tingling. Her eyes fall closed, and she tries her best to focus on the minutiae of sensation, of the slide of Dani’s hand to take hold behind her neck, of the way the other girl’s breath comes out in uneven huffs.Dani’s lips brush Jamie’s, and her own breath catches in her throat. She doesn’t think, just leans in, aching for contact.

It’s nothing like their kiss on Friday, but it feels no less charged. Their lips touch softly, moving together with a deliberateness that makes her chest hurt. The first kiss was hot and desperate, full of so much feeling that it felt like it might catch fire. This feels like slow embers, burning for hours; a hot glow instead of a sudden flash.Jamie’s hands find Dani’s hair, winding themselves into the strands. It makes her feel a little less frantic, a little more grounded. She can feel Dani’s fingertips at the small of her back, and she shifts her weight a tiny bit closer.

A small noise spills from Dani’s lips, a soft, needy sound that has Jamie’s brain short-circuiting and her pulse racing. Dani's growing more confident with each second as she presses closer, more insistent. It’s not Jaimie’s first kiss, not by a long shot. But it’s the first one that’s been like this. It’s with that thought that a sinking realization comes to her.

She can’t do this.Her hands reach for Dani’s shoulders, pushing her away as gently as she can. Dani’s mouth chases hers for a second. But Jamie holds her back.

“Dani…”

When she opens her eyes, Dani is staring at her, her eyes wide and questioning. Jamie feels awful as Dani’s mouth turns down. “You don’t want to?”

Jamie flattens her lips together, her heart still pounding. “It’s not that. I just think that, right now, this isn’t something that’s good for either of us.”

“Why?” She hates the hurt in Dani’s eyes.

“You’re… you’re going to be figuring things out for a while. Figuring yourself out. I mean you just started, really, and that can take time. Gets messy.”

“It doesn’t have to be. Not if I just want you,” Dani says. The words pull on Jamie’s heart, but she shakes her head.

“It does. I mean, you should get to experience all that. The mess is half the fun.”

It’s safer, this way. Better, even. Dani means too much to Jamie. Their relationship can’t be collateral damage in all of this. Jamie wouldn’t survive it.

“But I —“

“Look, if the past two days have taught me anything, it’s that I can’t lose you.”

Jamie brushes a piece of hair away from Dani’s face, pausing for a second to marvel at how beautiful she is this close, how blue her eyes are even in the dim light from the lamp.

“You get that, right? I…” Jamie stops before she says something she regrets, like _I love you._ “You’re the most important person to me, and I can’t stand the thought of anything getting in the way of keeping you in my life. You’re the first person in a long time that I… I really want you to stick around.”

Jamie presses a kiss to Dani’s forehead.

“Trust me, Poppins.”

It’s for the best, really. Dani deserves better than what Jamie has to give her. Jamie hasn’t had a half-functional relationship in her entire life. She has a hard enough time holding on to Dani as a friend, never mind as…She can’t even let herself think it, not when Dani is sitting right in front of her, lips still swollen.

“This is what you want,” Dani says. It’s a statement, not a question, but Jamie nods anyway. “We’ll just… be friends.”

“It’s what we’re good at,” Jamie points out. She glances at her bedroom door. “Think you’ll be able to sleep now?”

“Could we stay out here, just a bit longer?” Dani’s voice is so quiet that it’s barely above a whisper.

“Of course,” Jamie says. She props herself up on the couch a bit, slinging an arm over Dani’s shoulders.

Dani leans her head against Jamie’s. “I really missed you. I know I’ve said this before, but you’re my best friend.”

Jamie squeezes her. “You can’t scare me away that easily, Poppins.”

* * *

Jamie eyes Dani over the brim of her mug. She was grateful that morning when things seemed normal — or, at least, as normal as they can be now that she and Dani both know about each other's feelings. As normal as they can be after waking up in each other’s arms. As normal as they can be when you’re in love with your best friend.

Jamie takes a sip of her tea, trying to hide a grimace at the taste. Dani insisted she would make it for her after they’d disentangled from each other on the couch. She said Owen had tried to teach her a thing or two, and that she’s certain she’d gotten at least a little bit better under his guidance.Jamie’s certain she needs to give Owen a piece of her mind for instilling this false sense of confidence in Dani. She sets down the mug, wondering if she can pour it out without Dani noticing.

“We need some ground rules.”

Jamie looks up. Dani is leaning against the counter, watching her with drawn brows. “Do we?”

“Yeah.” Dani nods, a bit too vigorously. “Y’know. For… friendship. For us.”

“Rules for friendship? We’ve been friends for practically a year, I think we both ought to have the hang of it by now,” Jamie says, trying to laugh it off.

“Rules.” Dani’s voice leaves no room for argument. Jamie suddenly has a much clearer picture of Dani in front of a classroom. “We need to go about this the right way, if we don’t want any more… incidents.”

“Right,” Jamie drawls. “The right way. Okay, let’s hear it.”

“First up: no more falling asleep on each other.”

“This morning do something for you?” Jamie can’t help but tease.

Dani flushes. “Number two: no more flirting.”

“I can’t promise anything,” Jamie says, but then nods when Dani glares at her. “I’ll try to cut back though.”

“And most importantly: no more avoiding each other. We talk about how we’re feeling. We tell each other if it’s getting to be… too much.”

“That one rule or two?”

Dani pouts for a moment, worried Jamie isn’t taking this seriously enough. Jamie wants to tell her it’s nothing personal; deflection is the way she handles this sort of discomfort, how she gets through the conversations she doesn’t want to have.

But she’ll participate to make Dani feel better. She clears her throat. “All right, so… my turn: no hand holding.”

“Hand holding?”

“You know, you’re always…” Jamie mimes Dani’s fingers tracing her knuckles, as if Dani doesn’t know what it means to hold someone’s hand.

“Huh. I didn’t realize I did that,” Dani says. “Okay, no hand holding.”

“And hugs kept to a friendly duration.”

Dani purses her lips. “How do we define that?”

“It’s more of a feeling,” Jamie says. “Trust me, you’ll know.”

“Hold on,” Dani says. She reaches for the notebook on the counter, flipping breezily past Jamie’s note from yesterday like it’s nothing. “I’m going to write these down.”

Jamie watches as her pen moves smoothly across the paper. She isn’t sure she’s ever seen Dani’s handwriting before, but it’s neat. Prim and proper. Fascinating.

“You forgot one,” Jamie says when Dani’s finished.

Dani looks up with a frown.

“Really?”

Jamie points to the next empty line. “No… more… tea." Dani gets as far as the word ‘no’ before she looks up at Jamie with a glare. “Seriously, Poppins, are you trying to kill me? Because there are easier ways.”

“Owen said it was good! Or… better, I guess, were his exact words. Or maybe he said ‘an improvement.’”

Jamie snorts. “That’s not saying much, now is it?”

“Okay, so for the sake of our _friendship_ ,” Dani says, the emphasis letting Jamie know she’s on thin ice. “I won’t be making you any more tea. Got it. Anything else?”

“No, that about covers it. Wait — should we add coffee as well? Maybe all beverages, to be safe.”

_”Jamie.”_

“All right, all right.” She holds her hands up, smiling at Dani, but Dani’s face is set in a frown as she looks over their list.

Her gaze rises to meet Jamie’s after a few long seconds. “We’re… gonna be okay, right?”

There’s a nervousness behind Dani’s eyes, like she’s really not sure if this will work. Jamie thinks maybe she isn’t sure, either.But she has to try. She owes it to them both.She stands up, pulling Dani in for a quick hug. _Boundaries,_ she thinks, before forcing herself to pull back and look Dani in the eye.

“We’re gonna be just fine. Take it one day at a time, Poppins, and we’ll put this mess behind us.”

“One day at a time,” Dani repeats with a quick nod. She pulls Jamie back in close, and Jamie doesn’t have the heart to tell her she’s already breaking a rule.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :) I'm sorry if I haven't responded to your comment yet, I'm making my way through them! 
> 
> I'm on Tumblr at [@justawhitewall](https://justawhitewall.tumblr.com) if you'd like to talk!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up, this chapter deals with mentions of death.

All in all, they end up with ten rules. The new rules pop up one by one over the next few weeks.

Dani suggests rule seven one evening after they split a bottle of wine.

“No getting drunk together,” she says, despite the fact that they’ve already crossed that line for the night. “It makes it harder to remember the other rules.”

Jamie tries to ignore the way that Dani’s eyes drag lazily down to Jamie’s lips, and nods in agreement.

Jamie insists on rule number eight — no staring — after an exceptionally hard Sunday. That afternoon is filled with her trying to ignore Dani’s eyes burning a hole in Jamie’s back while she repotted some plants.

Dani blushes when Jamie suggests it, but writes it down without argument.

Jamie adds a private rule for her own sanity: never wear overalls in front of Dani again unless she wants to test the laws of spontaneous combustion.

They come to rule nine — no talking about love lives — after Jamie gets back from a night out with Trish, who had insisted on bringing her to a club to get to know Theo and “have some goddamn fun.” Jamie isn’t dating or anything close to dating anyone. She has no interest in even getting to know someone at this point — but that’s something she should keep to herself.

Besides, she’s not sure she can say the same for Dani. Every weekend since Hannah’s birthday, Dani’s come home with a styrofoam cup from Perkatory, the café she’d brought Jamie to the first time they’d hung out. Jamie tries not to let it eat at her Maybe Dani’s just been on a coffee kick lately. Maybe it’s across the street from her new gym, or a bookstore Dani loves. Maybe she’s bringing someone there on a date. Any which way, Jamie doesn’t want to know the answer, so she doesn’t ask, and agrees easily when Dani suggests the new rule.

“I just think it’s a good idea to, you know, give each other some space in that regard,” Dani says, not meeting Jamie’s eyes. Jamie wants to tell her that she has nothing to worry about, that she can’t imagine having feelings for anyone but Dani for the foreseeable future, but she keeps her thoughts to herself and nods.

Rule ten seems redundant, but it’s happened enough times that Jamie feels the need to get it in writing: no cuddling.

It feels necessary when Dani doesn’t seem capable of keeping her hands (or her body) to herself. Dani will wrap her arms around Jamie while she’s preparing tea, or lay her legs across Jamie’s lap when they sit on the couch without thinking about it. Her head finds its way on to Jamie’s shoulder just about every night.

Dani looks a bit broken by the addition when Jamie suggests it, but agrees without argument.

“It’s not forever,” Jamie reminds her. “Just for now.”

_Just until we’re past this._

Even as she’s saying it, Jamie can’t imagine a time when she won’t be utterly in love with Dani.

* * *

“I was thinking of inviting Owen and Hannah over for dinner.”

They’re sitting on the couch eating takeaway from their favorite Chinese food place. Jamie pauses halfway through a mouthful of pork lo mein and glances around their tiny apartment. They have a drop-leaf table that will barely seat four when it’s open. It’s half-closed, pressed against the wall just off the kitchen. They almost never use it.

“Any particular reason?” Jamie asks. Usually they got to Owen and Hannah’s, not the other way around, due to the space constraints.

“I would say we could take them out to dinner, but Owen is unbearable at restaurants. I figure I owe them something after — well, after last month.”

It goes without saying what Dani is referencing. For all their rules, particularly ones revolving around no avoidance and good communication, they’ve yet to broach this subject since that night. Jamie doesn’t want to start now.

“Sounds good. I can cook if you want?”

Dani shakes her head, waving her off. “I’m the one who owes them. Though if you wouldn’t mind picking out a wine? I’m awful at that sort of thing.”

Jamie knows. “When are you thinking?”

“I was going to ask them about tomorrow, is that too short notice? I just know that the restaurant is closed Wednesdays, so Owen might be able to get away. If not we can do next week.”

“I’ll have to see about work. Maybe I can switch off for Thursday.”

Or she can tell another lie, fake another illness, and have two days off in a row. The idea is tempting, but Jamie is starting to get the feeling her boss isn’t particularly happy with her performance lately. She’s missed more days of work since meeting Dani than she had her entire time at Bly.

She’s not sure why the idea of seeing Owen and Hannah makes her nervous. Hannah is her oldest friend, after all, and Owen seems harmless enough from the handful of times she’s interacted with him. At the very least, he makes Hannah happy.

Maybe it’s the knowledge that they’re aware of what’s going on between her and Dani, that they might judge Jamie for it. She knows better than to think that of Hannah, but she can’t stop the anxiety from creeping up the back of her neck when Dani gets off the phone and confirms that they’ll be coming over the next night.

* * *

“Wow, look at these beauties!” Owen walks into the kitchen to admire the plants in the windowsill. “I’m impressed,” he says, turning to Dani. “Who knew you had such a green thumb?”

“Oh, that’s all Jamie,” Dani says. “She’s amazing with them.”

“Hardly,” Jamie says. “They just like me.”

“I’ve always wanted plants,” Owen says. “Couldn’t keep one alive for the life of me.”

“I have an aloe that I split up a couple weeks ago. Why don’t you take one of the pups? They’re pretty hard to kill, and I’m sure you get enough burns to need one in your kitchen.”

“Really?” Owen lights up. “No, I couldn’t possibly _aloe_ you to do that.”

Jamie groans, wondering if it’s too late to change her mind.

“She has a lot of wonderful plants in her room, you should check them out,” Dani says. After a second she seems to realize she’s just invited Owen into Jamie’s bedroom, and offers her a small smile. “If — if you don’t mind?”

If she had minded, all Dani needed to do was flash a smile and Jamie would’ve given in. “Of course. C’mon, then.”

Jamie leads Owen into her bedroom. His eyes go wide as he looks at her shelf next to the window, full to the brim with plants.

“Here you are,” Jamie says, picking up one of the small pots on her shelf. “He’s not peeking out yet but he’s in there, I promise. You’ll want to let the soil get nice and dry, then give it a good soak, probably every three weeks or so. Make sure he gets plenty of light, too, and if you fuck up just let me know and I’ll see what I can do. You can’t be much worse than Dani.”

“I don’t know about that,” Owen says, but he’s grinning at the small pot as Jamie hands it over as if she’s just given him a puppy. “Thank you, truly.”

“No problem.”

“How did you learn about all this?”

Jamie shrugs. She doesn’t know him well enough to give him the real answer, but she has a standard response prepared. “Plants were there for me when no one else was, and I’ve been trying to pay them back ever since. If it were up to me, I’d spend all my time tending to these guys.”

“I feel that way about being in the kitchen,” Owen says. “Nothing makes me happier. Have you ever thought about doing something with it? I mean, you can’t want to be a bartender forever.”

“Can’t I?” Jamie asks, tilting her head. Owen’s eyes widen, as if he’s just realized that what he said might be offensive, but Jamie laughs. “I want to move on eventually, but I guess I’m sentimental. I love that old bar, and, to be honest, Bly was the first place that would give me a chance when I first got here.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply —“

“Nah, no worries,” Jamie says. “I mean, ideally, that would be the dream. I’d love to own my own shop one day. It’s just… you know, money, life. All the other stuff. Passion’s there in spades, though.”

“I’m incredibly lucky to be able to do what I love,” Owen says. “It all just sort of fell into place. I hope one day that happens for you, too.”

“Thanks, Owen.”

She’s almost to the door when he speaks back up. “If you have a second, before we go back out there… I wanted to speak with you about Dani.”

Jamie freezes. She should’ve known. She glances at the door, wondering if there’s still time to make a run for it.

“She told me what’s going on between you two,” he says. “And I… I’m not sure I understand?”

She crosses her arms as she turns to face him. “Do you need to?”

He shrugs. He’s looking at her with a soft smile, like he knows her much better than he actually does. “Nah, but Dani does. And I’m not quite sure _she_ understands either.

“Oh.” Right, of course. Owen is Dani’s closest friend besides Jamie. Naturally he’s who Dani would talk to if she was confused about what’s going on between them. “Has she said that? That she doesn’t understand?”

“Not in so many words, but she’s been… stressed lately. She keeps calling me up and asking me to come meet her at this café so we can _talk_ , and I’m just not really sure how to help. And my caffeine tolerance has shot through the roof. I’m not sure how much more I can take.”

The café — _that’s_ why Dani’s been coming home with the cups from Perkatory. She vaguely remembers Dani saying that one of Owen’s friends owned the place. She honestly should’ve figured Owen had something to do with it, given the name of the establishment.

“Right, well.” Jamie shuffles, hands in her pockets. This is the exact conversation she didn’t want to have tonight, but she supposes if Owen is who Dani is confiding in, he might as well be up to speed. “What do you want to know?”

He doesn’t hesitate before jumping right in. “If you both like each other — and you really seem to — what’s the problem?”

Jamie chews her lip as she thinks. She wasn’t aware of Dani’s confusion on the subject, and Jamie wants to explain it as carefully as possible.

“It’s just that we’re on different levels, you know? Like me, I’m…” She doesn’t know where to go with that sentence, so she starts over. “Well, Dani, she’s new to this whole world. It’s like she’s seeing things for the first time. Brand new eyes, you know? And right now she has feelings for me, maybe is even infatuated with me, and I want her to get to experience that infatuation, just… with someone else.”

“But why someone else, when you feel the same way?”

“Because what I feel for her is more than… I don’t know if I could take it, you know? If infatuation was all it was for her.”

Owen nods, thinking this over for a moment. “And what if I told you I’m quite confident it’s not? I’ve never seen Dani more taken with someone than she is with you.”

“I get that, but that also could be because she might be gay, and I’m the first woman she’s allowed herself feelings for.”

“I’m not going to pretend like I can understand what that might be like, and I don’t want to overstep and tell you that I think you’ve got her wrong. The two of you are just really good together.”

“And we’ll be just as good together as friends,” Jamie says. “Because we are — best friends. I can’t risk that.”

“Right. Of course.” Owen straightens up. "Thank you for explaining it to me.”

He seems genuinely grateful, and Jamie’s smile comes easily “Yeah. Thank you for dealing with my mess. I’m sure a stressed out, over-caffeinated Dani is a treat.”

“Don’t you know it.” He laughs, and Jamie can see why Hannah is so in love with him. He has a kind smile.

“Let’s get back out there before they think I’ve bored you to death with the tour of my plants.”

* * *

Monday morning Jamie wakes up with a hoarse throat. It’s nothing, really — she doesn’t need to talk that much anyway — but Dani looks immediately concerned.

“Do you have a fever?” She presses a hand to Jamie’s forehead. Her lips follow a second later, and if Jamie wasn’t flushed before she sure is now. “You’re warm.”

“I’m fine,” Jamie insists. “Perfect specimen, really.”

She manages to convince Dani by the time that she leaves for work that it’s no big deal, that she always gets sick in the late summer, and she’ll be fine.

“I’ll see you tonight. Please get some rest,” Dani says on her way out the door.

By noon, Jamie is sneezing every ten seconds. Her head is so stuffed it feels heavy, like she might topple over from the weight of it. Two hours before she’s due at work, she calls her boss and tells him that she’s sick.

“Again?” He sounds angry.

She’s confused for a moment, forgetting that she just called in last week for the dinner with Owen and Hannah. “Right, yeah, thought I was better over the weekend but must’ve tired myself out.”

He thinks for a second, then sighs. “Fine. But only because you sound like shit and I’m pretty sure you’d scare away the customers.”

Jamie musters a thank you and goes to sleep on the couch.

* * *

Dani gets home just after four. Jamie wakes up to the sound of the key turning in the lock.

“Oh good, you’re still here. Sorry I’m late. I called Owen and asked him to make some chicken soup.” Dani bustles around the kitchen for a moment, putting a brown bag in the fridge before she turns to face Jamie. “And I — oh my god. You look _awful.”_

“Thank you,” Jamie says from beneath a pile of blankets.

“Please tell me you’re not going into work like that.”

“I’m not going into work like this.”

“Good,” Dani says. She presses her hand to Jamie’s forehead again, and Jamie cringes when she can feel how sticky with sweat her brow is. “Jesus. Have you taken anything?”

“To be honest, I haven’t moved from this couch since you left.”

She expects a lecture, that she needs to take better care of herself, but Dani just looks at her with pity. Jamie wants to throw a pillow at her, but she’s too weak.

Dani disappears into the bathroom, then goes into the kitchen and pours a big glass of water. “Here,” she says when she stops in front of Jamie on the couch. “Medicine.”

The water is difficult to swallow on its own, and with the pills Jamie finds herself coughing like it’s the first time she’s had to swallow medicine. Dani sits next to her and rubs a hand up and down Jamie’s back. Jamie blames her shiver on the fever.

“Sorry,” Jamie says, though she’s not really sure what she’s apologizing for.

“Don’t be silly. I’m going to heat up some soup, okay? And then we’ll put anything on you want and just spend the night on the couch.”

The soup is warm, and if Jamie could taste it, she’s sure it would be delicious. For the first time since she woke up that morning, her throat isn’t hurting every time she swallows. Once she’s finished the bowl she misses the warmth of it. She can’t stop shivering, even though she has every blanket in the apartment besides Dani’s comforter thrown over her shoulders.

“Here,” Dani says, scooting over so they’re pressed together. “I’ll warm you up.”

Jamie wants to chide her for being a flirt, but she’s too tired to be cheeky. In fact, she’s suddenly having trouble keeping her eyes open. She barely makes it through the first ten minutes of the movie before she’s drifting off. As soon as she realizes, she tries to straighten, to stay awake, but Dani stops her with an arm around her shoulder.

“Rest,” Dani says, and Jamie doesn’t even have the strength to argue that they’re about to break at least two rules before her eyes drift shut.

* * *

It takes three days for Jamie to start to feel human again. By then, they’ve broken more than half of the rules. Even the unwritten hot beverage rule gets broken. Jamie’s grateful that her nose is too clogged to taste anything when Dani hands her the mug of tea.

Dani has to work during the days, which leaves Jamie with a lot of time to think as she lies on the couch and scans the channels for something worth watching on daytime television.

She almost feels well enough to return to work on Thursday, but she’s not about to volunteer to come in on her day off, even if she could use the money. As much as she hates to admit it because she’s felt completely awful, she’s almost enjoyed the past few days with Dani.

And that’s a problem, isn’t it? Even when she feels her worst, being around Dani can make her… happy. Dani makes her happy.

* * *

“Hello?”

“Excellent, you’re home. I was hoping you could answer something for me. Am I an idiot?”

Hannah chuckles. “Depends, but typically yes.”

“Thanks,” Jamie says.

“Anything in particular on your mind?”

Jamie flops back on to the couch with a heavy sigh. “It’s just… this whole Dani thing.”

“Going to need a bit more than that, love.”

“I feel like we’re practically in a relationship, you know? Just without all the best parts.” Hannah hums, and Jamie realizes she’s not going to weigh in unless she gives her more. “I know she cares about me. I’m her best friend.”

 _Can you even be infatuated with someone when you already care about them?_ she wonders. _Or does it automatically become something deeper?_

“Maybe this is just what having a best friend is like.”

“Jamie,” Hannah says. “We’ve been best friends for years. Are you confessing your love for me?”

Jamie drops her head with a laugh. “No, I suppose not. I just… what if I pushed her back because I’m an idiot, and now it’s too late? What if she doesn’t want to try anymore? I mean, what would trying even _look_ like? We’re already… I don’t know.”

“You know who might know?”

Dani.

“I know, I know. I want to talk to her, I just want to have something to say first. I want to know how I feel before I talk to her about my feelings.”

 _You’re breaking the rules,_ she reminds herself. _Communicate._

It’s a lot harder than it looks on paper, scrawled in Dani’s neat handwriting.

“And if that’s not possible? Are you just going to hold on to this forever?”

Jamie sighs. “Just might, thanks.”

“Well, that settles it. You are most definitely an idiot.”

* * *

Dani finds Jamie in the kitchen when she gets home that day.

“Hey, you’re up!” Dani’s smile is enough to cure her even if she wasn’t already feeling better.

“Yeah, finally feeling a bit more human, no thanks to you.”

“Oh good, I was starting to worry I would have to go without your charming wit forever.”

“You love me,” Jamie says. Dani just laughs at her, shaking her head. “How was your day?”

“A lot better now,” Dani replies. “Wow, look at you, you’re a normal color and everything.”

“Thank you,” Jamie says. Then, because it doesn’t sound like enough, she adds, “Really, I think I would’ve withered away without you here.”

“It was nothing.”

“It wasn’t. No one’s ever…” Jamie stops, realizing she’s getting in too deep for this conversation. This isn’t the time to start saying sentimental things if she’s not prepared to follow them up by telling Dani there’s a change of plans. “You’re the best.”

Dani steps forward, wrapping her arms around Jamie. Jamie relaxes in to the embrace, happy when she notices that she can smell Dani’s shampoo for the first time in days. Jamie wants to bury herself in it, to never let go, but after a few seconds Dani is pulling back. She offers Jamie a small smile. “Rule six, right?”

Jamie swallows around the lump in her throat. Back to the rules, then. “Right.”

* * *

She should’ve know that once she was feeling better they’d jump right back in to their new normal. It feels odd, now, to sit a cushion apart on the couch, or to fall asleep without Dani’s fingers running through her hair. She misses the comfort of Dani’s lips pressed to her forehead to check her temperature, or being wrapped in her arms for warmth.

But if anything, it just makes her more confident that the rules are necessary for now. Unless she decides that she’s going to throw caution to the wind and start something _real_ with Dani, allowing herself the comforts of a relationship is nothing short of torture. She’s determined to make this work. She’s going to follow the rules.

That is, until Jamie gets home from work Sunday night.

Dani is standing in the middle of the living room, unmoving. Her face is blotchy, red and tear-stained, though she’s not crying. She’s staring an insignificant spot on the wall. She looks small, and scared, and the sight of her is enough to have Jamie crossing the room in the blink of an eye and joining Dani.

“What’s going on?”

“My mom called,” Dani says. She sounds borderline despondent, and Jamie is trying not to panic, but she’s already seeing red. Whatever that woman — that fucking asshole — had said to Dani, Jamie is ready to fight her for it.

“What did she do?” Jamie tries her best to keep her voice controlled.

“She — didn’t —“ Dani stops, rubs her face with her hands. “She said… he, uh, he was in an accident.”

_Oh no._

“Who was?”

“Eddie. He was driving, and there was a truck, and he…” Dani squeezes her eyes shut, a fresh batch of tears running down her cheeks. Jamie reaches out and brushes them away with her thumbs. She tries to ignore the flutter in her heart when Dani leans into her palm.

 _Not the time_ , she tells herself.

“He _died,”_ Dani whispers. “He’s dead, Eddie’s dead.”

Dani folds into herself and Jamie does her best to catch her, pulling her close so her head falls on to Jamie’s shoulder. She cradles the back of Dani’s head as she cries, strokes her hair in a movement that she hopes is soothing.

Jamie hasn’t had to do this before. She’s had her fair share of bad news broken to her, but she’s never had anyone there to comfort her, and she hasn’t been that person for anyone else. She doesn’t know what to say, wishes she could say anything that would take this pain off of Dani’s shoulders.

“The last time we talked was…” Dani trails off, and Jamie has a feeling she knows the exact moment Dani is talking about — the night Dani had called her from a payphone in a strip mall in Iowa. “He was my oldest friend. I always thought one day we might… might fix it, once he’d moved on, but he —“

“What’s important is the good memories, yeah?” Jamie says. “Try to think of those. The good bits. The rest…” Jamie pauses, hoping she’s not coming off as dismissive. But Dani leans back and looks at her, waiting for her to continue. “It’s just a blip, right? You were friends for — what, fifteen years? Twenty? The last year is just a fraction of it all. It’s not the whole story. Try to focus on all the moments you made each other happy.”

Dani nods. “I just wish they were more recent.”

“I know,” Jamie says, grateful when Dani moves again so her head is back on Jamie’s shoulder. She didn’t know how long she could take looking at Dani’s tear-covered face. She wraps both arms around Dani and holds her tight. “I know.”

* * *

The funeral is slated for Wednesday.

Dani wants to get down there as soon as possible, which means Monday morning, as soon as the sun’s up, Dani is running around the apartment trying to get ready to fly to Iowa.

“Judy was like my mother, growing up. I can’t imagine how hard this is for her,” Dani says as she shoves clothes into a bag. “I want her to know… I want to be there.”

Dani calls into work that morning and takes the week off. School just began the previous week, so Jamie’s surprised they let her, but she supposes that most people would be hard-pressed to say no to a tearful Dani Clayton.

“Do you have a flight booked?”

“No — I’ll just take the next one out,” Dani says. She looks frantic as she shoves things into her suitcase. “God, why don’t I have anything appropriate for a funeral?”

“How about this one?” Jamie reaches into the back of the closet for a black dress she’s never seen Dani wear even once.

Dani nods, barely folding it before she shoves it in the suitcase with the rest.

“Take a breath, Poppins,” Jamie reminds her. “You’re not going to get there any faster by not breathing.”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry, I’m just…” Dani stops. “I’m stressed. I don’t know how to do any of this. I mean, we almost got _married_. People are going to look at me like — like I’m some sort of —“

“Do you want company?” Jamie asks. “We can face them all together. I’ll deck someone if I have to. Don’t care if it’s a pallbearer.”

Dani laughs, and Jamie feels a wave of relief at the sound. “You’d do that?”

“Of course. I’ve got a great right hook.”

“You don’t have to,” Dani starts, but Jamie shakes her head.

“Do you want me there?” Jamie reiterates, and Dani holds still for a second before her shoulders fall as she nods.

“Please,” Dani says. “I don’t think I can do this alone.”

“You don’t have to,” Jamie says. “Give me just a few minutes. Got to make some calls and a bag to pack, all right?”

Jamie closes Dani’s door behind her. She doesn’t want her to hear what Jamie is all but certain is about to be her losing her job.

“Hey, boss,” Jamie says when the line picks up. “Listen, I’ve had a — a family emergency. A death, actually, and I need to take a week off.”

“A _week?_ You can’t possibly need a whole week. For fucks sake, you’ve taken off more days these past few months than you’ve worked.”

It’s an exaggeration, and an unfair one given the circumstance. Jamie can’t find it in her to care.

“I know that, I do, I just… it’s important. Can’t miss it, sorry.”

“Well, I can’t promise your job will be waiting for you when you get back. If I find someone else who can tend bar and is willing to put up with the drunks —“

“Understood.”

Jamie isn’t sure what more there is to say, so she hangs up. _There are other bars,_ she tells herself. _You’ll figure it out when you get back._

* * *

They take a taxi to JFK and manage to get a flight to Des Moines that will leave in two hours. Jamie buys a pack of cigarettes for the flight once she learns they’ll be in the smoking section, and is surprised when Dani asks for one while they wait. Jamie hasn’t seen her smoke, though she supposes stress does funny things to some people.

The flight is four hours long, and Jamie is dreading it the entire time they’re in the waiting area. The whole flying experience is unpleasant to her — that’s partly why Hannah had always been the one to visit her and not the other way around. She once said that her flight from England to New York was the last flight she ever planned on taking. But now she’s boarding a plane set for Iowa, of all places. Go figure.

Dani calls her mother on a payphone to tell her that she booked the flight and that Jamie is coming along.

It doesn’t sound like a pleasant conversation.

They’re able to sit in the same row, thank god, with just a seat between them. Iowa is apparently not a popular destination on a Monday morning. Jamie wonders if they’re lucky they were able to find a running flight at all, given how few people are on board.

The middle seat between them is still blessedly open when the plane begins to taxi, and Dani quickly switches so they’re next to each other.

Jamie tries to play it cool as the plane picks up speed, but her fear must be obvious, because Dani reaches for her hand within seconds.

“All good?” she asks.

Jamie does her best to smile and nod, though her stomach drops once the ground starts to drift further away. She squeezes her eyes closed and waits. This bit is the worst part, and if she can just get through this, she’ll be fine for the next four hours.

“Hey,” Dani whispers. “Did you know that baby pandas way less than a pound at birth? And by the time they’re a month old they’ll start to develop their signature black-and-white pattern.”

“I did not know that, no.” If Jamie could breathe properly, she might laugh at Dani’s trivial knowledge of pandas.

“And Elephants are pregnant for almost two years. When they’re born, they’re covered in hair, and they suck on their trunks like humans do with their thumbs.”

“Know a lot about baby animals, do you?”

“We just had the kids do reports on them,” Dani says. “Is it helping?”

Jamie nods, realizing the tightness in her chest is fading. “Yeah.”

“Good.”

Dani continues to rattle off an impressive amount of facts on animals from zebras to labradors.

“Baby rhinos are born without their horns and need to grow them. Sloths are born with the ability to climb. Giraffes are six feet tall and weigh a hundred pounds at birth, where baby kangaroos are less than an inch big when they’re born.”

Jamie cracks her eyes open to look at Dani in disbelief. “Really?”

Dani nods. “They’re born after only about a month, and they finish growing inside the pouch.”

“Holy shit.”

The seat belt light turns off, and Jamie’s heart begins to settle. She pulls out her pack of cigarettes and wordlessly offers one to Dani. Halfway through her smoke she notices Dani is still staring at her.

“I’m good, Poppins, promise.” Jamie would be lying if she said she wasn’t embarrassed. She was hoping Dani wouldn’t notice her stressed out state, especially since she’s here to take care of Dani.

“You didn’t tell me you were afraid of planes,” Dani says. “You didn’t have to… Thank you for coming with me.”

It’s not until Dani squeezes her fingers that she realizes they’re still holding hands.

* * *

“Sorry, she said she’d be here,” Dani says, eyes still skimming the airport. It’s been twenty minutes since they got off the plane and Karen Clayton is still nowhere in sight.

Jamie is no stranger to absent mothers. “It’s fine,” she says. “Want me to call a cab?”

Dani shakes her head. “I’ll call her first.”

A few minutes later Dani returns from the payphone, a deep frown on her face.

“She’s drunk,” Dani says. “It’s only two o’clock and she’s completely wasted. Barely remembered that we were on our way, and I only spoke to her five hours ago.”

“It’s one o’clock,” Jamie points out unhelpfully. “Time difference.”

Her arms fold over her chest as she shakes her head. “Sometimes I think I might hate her.”

She admits it like a secret, something she feels ashamed of, but Jamie doesn’t think she has any reason to. If Karen was her mother, she’d hate her too. “It would be fair if you did,” Jamie says. “But that doesn’t make it any less of a hard thing to feel.”

Dani nods, but doesn’t respond. Jamie knows her own anger at the situation isn’t useful, but that doesn’t stop it from bubbling inside of her. Karen should be taking care of her daughter, not making things harder for her.

“Want to get something to eat before we head over there? If there’s one thing I’ve learned working at a bar, it’s that you shouldn’t have to deal with drunks on an empty stomach.”

* * *

“I forgot you were bringing company.” The first words out of Karen’s mouth once she opens the door are, unsurprisingly, not full of motherly comfort.

“Just here for moral support,” Jamie says, offering Karen a smile. “Good to see you again.”

“Mhm,” Karen says. She opens the door wider so they can step in, holds on to a it a bit too tightly as she sways.

“Lovely house,” Jamie says, looking around. It’s sad to say that she’s surprised at the photos of Dani on the walls. A young boy is next to her in almost every one, a head full of curls and a goofy smile.

“You’ll have to sleep on the couch,” Karen says. “Danielle’s bed is a twin.”

Jamie doesn’t mention that they’ve already shared a bed that size. She’s certain Karen wouldn’t appreciate it, and she doesn’t want to fluster Dani. Besides, it would be against the rules for her to sleep in Dani’s bed, regardless of size.

The couch will be just fine.

“Not a problem. Can’t be worse than ours.”

Jamie doubts her own words a second later when she sees the ratty thing.

“I don’t know about that. It’s older than me,” Dani points out.

Dani shuffles off to put her stuff in her old bedroom, leaving Jamie to stand with Karen in the living room.

“Thanks for letting me stay,” Jamie says, because it’s the polite thing to do even if she knows Dani’s mother hates the idea of Jamie under her roof.

“Thank you for getting my daughter to come home. She has a habit of running away when things get hard.”

“Doesn’t sound like the Dani I know,” Jamie says, unable to let the comment slide. “Your daughter is very strong, Ms. Clayton. Best I know, actually.”

Dani appears around the corner. “Want to see my room?”

“Absolutely.” Anything to get away from this woman who clearly couldn’t see her own daughter when she’s standing right in front of her.

* * *

“Wow,” Jamie says. “That’s… a lot of posters.”

“Think I was trying a little hard?” Dani laughs at the magazine pages stuck to walls, each with a picture of a supposedly handsome young man on the front.

“Just a little.” Jamie flops down on Dani’s bed. “Purple walls, huh? Very… cheerful.”

“It’s always been my favorite color.” Dani looks around. “Jeez, it’s dusty in here. Doesn’t look like it’s been cleaned since May. I guess my mom doesn’t come in here much.”

“Don’t know how she resists, what with all these heartthrobs.”

Dani laughs. “I’m surprised she’s actually kept it as is. Could’ve made it a guest room or something.”

“You think your mom has a lot of friends over?” Jamie asks.

Dani presses her lips together. “Guess not.”

She sits on the bed next to Jamie and looks around. “To be honest, I didn’t spend a lot of time here as a kid. I was almost always at Eddie’s house. I slept there most nights until I was a teenager, and then we started dating and I wasn’t allowed to anymore.”

“You’ve mentioned that earlier — that his mom was like your own mom growing up.”

“Judy’s great,” Dani says with a pained smile. “I hope she’s holding up okay. I would call, but…”

“We’ll see her tomorrow,” Jamie says. Tomorrow, at Eddie’s wake.

“Speaking of,” Dani says, voice spiked with nervous energy. “I was thinking… I’d like to go to both viewings. You don’t have to come, obviously, I just… I think I should be there. For Judy.”

“Of course,” Jamie says. Then, carefully, “do you want me there?”

Dani pauses for a half-second then nods. “I really do.”

This time, Jamie takes Dani’s hand.

* * *

Going to visitation for a man you’ve never met and have really only heard bad things about is a little bit awkward. Jamie has seen the pictures on the Clayton’s walls, but nothing can prepare her for the giant poster-board full of photos memorializing Edmund O’Mara’s life. Nearly each photo featured a smiling Dani by his side.

Judy falls apart when she sees Dani.

“I didn’t know if you’d come,” she whispers into Dani’s shoulder while Jamie stands behind her. She doesn’t know what’s the polite thing to do here, so she stares at her shoes and waits for the embrace to finish.

“Judy, this is my friend Jamie,” Dani says.

“Oh, so good of you to come.” Jamie is surprised when she’s pulled into a hug. She does her best to return it. “Dani deserves good friends like you.”

“She does,” Jamie agrees. This woman is immediately so obviously different than Karen. It’s no wonder Dani appreciates her so much more.

They walk to the casket together, Dani’s hand clasped in Jamie’s so tight she thinks her circulation might have completely stopped halfway up the aisle. She doesn’t dare pull away. Today, she’s here to be Dani’s anchor.

It’s a closed casket. From the little Jamie has overheard, it was a nasty accident. She hears the word “drunk” whispered more than once, and says a silent prayer that it was the other driver who was inebriated. She’s sure Dani would find a way to blame herself if Eddie had taken up drinking after their last argument, if he had caused his own death in a drunken spiral.

“Sorry,” Dani whispers once they sit down. “I can’t stop crying. I’m sorry. I didn’t think it would be this hard.”

“Nothing to be sorry for, Poppins,” Jamie says, giving her hand a light squeeze. “Brought this shirt specifically for you to cry on.”

Dani gives her a watery smile before leaning her head against Jamie’s shoulder.

* * *

It’s a long day. The last viewing finishes up at nine. Before they leave, Judy thanks them profusely for staying the entire time.

“I know how much you loved him,” Judy says as she holds Dani’s hands. Most people have filtered out of the funeral home, and they’re alone near the front of the room. “He knew it, too. Even if he was being stubborn about it being the wrong kind of love.”

The tears are flowing down Dani’s face again. “Thank you,” she whispers. Jamie gets the feeling that Dani doesn’t believe it, and won’t for a while to come.

* * *

Karen is trashed when they arrive home. It’s no surprise, really — she’d been well on her way that afternoon — but Jamie still isn’t ready for the sight of her.

Dani, on the other hand, is well prepared.

“And? Did it make you feel better?” Karen slurs at them from the couch. Jamie isn’t sure how to take that comment, but it seems to roll off Dani’s back.

“It was nice to see Judy,” Dani replies, calm and leveled. “It would’ve been good if you came. I’m sure she would’ve liked to see you.”

“Oh sure, y’always just _love_ to see Judy.” Karen says it with such disgust in her voice, like it’s Judy’s fault that she couldn’t be fucked to raise her own kid. Jamie follows close behind Dani, ready to step in at any point.

“I told her you were sorry you couldn’t get off work,” Dani says, ignoring her mother’s angry words. Jamie wonders how often as a child Dani would have to do this, to pretend everything is normal while her mother was blindingly drunk. “It was a beautiful service.”

“You got to pretend like you still cared about him, did you?”

Dani’s hackles finally begin to raise, but she takes a deep breath. “Eddie was my oldest friend, of course I still cared about him. Everyone there did.”

Karen laughs. “Please. We both know you dropped that boy like a — a hot —“

“Mom,” Dani stops her. “I think we should talk about this in the morning.”

“What, I’m just saying, Danielle. You’ve told me enough times that you didn’t love him, right?”

Jamie bites her tongue.

A cool anger washes over Dani. She goes from looking upset to perfectly calm as she turns to Jamie. “Think you could hang in my room for a few? I need to talk to my mother.”

Dani’s eyes are made of steel, and as much as Jamie wants to hear Karen Clayton be taken to task for her shit, she knows this is something Dani has to do alone.

* * *

Jamie tries to keep herself occupied in Dani’s room, ignoring the raised but still muffled voices drifting through the walls every few seconds.

Jamie tries to imagine Dani as the smiling girl from the photos, the one that hung posters of John Travolta on her wall and painted the ceiling purple. She wonders if they would’ve been friends. She doubts it — Jamie was a bit rougher around the edges at that age.

Jamie jumps when Dani walks into the room a few minutes later and slams the door behind her.

“Sorry,” Dani says. Jamie is about to tell her that it’s all right when turns around and sees her. Dani’s face is white, her hands shaking. Jamie reaches for them for what feels like the hundredth time that day without thinking about it. _Fuck the rules, Dani's upset._

“What’s wrong? Who do I have to fight?” she asks, knowing full well that the answer is Karen fucking Clayton.

Dani’s eyes are wide as she shakes her head. “No, no one — I think… I think I just came out to my mom.”

“You think?” Jamie breathes the words. She didn’t even know Dani was sure enough of her sexuality to come out to anyone, let alone her mildly homophobic mother. “Jesus, Dani, are you okay?”

Dani nods, but she hasn’t blinked since she entered the room. “Yeah, yeah, I just — she was being stupid about E-Eddie, going on again about how wrong I was to leave him, and I just told her.”

Jamie wonders if there’s a hotel nearby that might have a room for them on such short notice.

“She didn’t say anything,” Dani says. Her lip trembles. “She didn’t even — she just stared at me then walked away.”

“Shit, Dani, I’m sorry.” Jamie’s hands move up to Dani’s shoulders. “Are you okay?”

“I think so? She didn’t freak out or anything so I guess… that’s good, right?” Dani’s eyes are looking everywhere but at Jamie. “I mean, we’re obviously not all that close, and I don’t need her approval or permission or _whatever_ but I — I’m —“

“Can I hug you? Would that be okay for you right now?”

Dani responds by pulling Jamie in close. She’s shaking, and Jamie does her best to steady her. After a minute she pulls Dani over to the bed and makes her sit down.

“Do you think she’ll hate me?” Dani asks, voice shaking.

“If she does, she’s an even bigger bitch than I had pegged her for,” Jamie says. Then, “sorry,” because that’s not the sort of thing you should say about a friend’s mother.

But Dani laughs through her tears. “God, no, you’re right. She really is the worst. But… she’s still my mom. I guess for some reason I still want her to _love_ me. Is that stupid?”

“Not at all, Poppins.” Jamie thumbs at Dani’s tears, pulls her closer so their foreheads are resting together. “And she may be the worst, but her kid is all right, yeah? Probably my favorite person in fact,” Jamie says, as if there’s any room for doubt.

“Thank you,” Dani whispers. “For everything. For coming with me, for today. It was… a lot. I’m not sure I could’ve gotten through this without you.”

“What are friends for?” Jamie asks. Dani laughs, rolling her eyes before they settle on Jamie’s face. 

“You’re so much more than that, you know that right?”

The breath rushes out of Jamie’s lungs all at once. Now is not the time or the place— in Iowa for Eddie’s funeral, in Dani’s childhood bedroom minutes after Dani just came out to her mother — so she simply nods.

“I know,” she whispers. “You too.”

“Can you stay in here tonight?” Dani asks. “I know it’s against the —“

“Fuck the rules,” Jamie says, angry at the way her own heart jumps at the words. She forces herself to clarify. “We’re friends first, Dani. The rules aren’t… they can’t get in the way of us taking care of each other. All right?”

Dani nods, pulling Jamie in for another hug.

“Friends first.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! If you'd like to join me on tumblr, I'm at [justawhitewall!](https://justawhitewall.tumblr.com) :) 
> 
> I'm still working my way through last chapter's comments, but thank you to everyone who has commented or left kudos, it means a ton and I look at them whenever I need some motivation!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day!

Dani wakes with her head on Jamie’s chest.

They had fallen asleep pressed together — the twin bed didn’t leave much choice in the matter — but they’d gotten closer in the night. Dani’s legs are tangled in Jamie’s, one arm tucked under her body, her other draped across Jamie’s chest so that the tips of her fingers rest lightly on the exposed skin at Jamie’s collar, just under her sleep shirt.

It’s nice, it’s _more_ than nice, and Dani wishes she could stay here forever. Then she remembers. She remembers that Eddie is dead. That they’re in Iowa. And that Jamie… Jamie doesn’t want to be with her.

That’s a bit harsh, she knows. Jamie hadn’t said as much, and it’s not fair to put words in her mouth, especially after Owen had told Dani about his conversation with her.

 _I could just tell her I love her,_ Dani thinks. _I could say the words and maybe then she’d see that this isn’t just a little thing for me, that this isn’t an infatuation._

Those were the words Owen had used when he told her that Jamie was just afraid, was scared that Dani’s feelings were fleeting, “an infatuation,” as if that could ever be true.

“She cares about you, a lot,” Owen said. “I think you’ve got a good one. A good friend.”

“Right.” Dani couldn’t fight hard enough to keep the frown off her face. “A friend.”

It’s not that she doesn’t want to be friends with Jamie. She does, so badly, there’s just… something she wants more. Something she can’t stop thinking about.

Dani trails her fingers up to Jamie’s neck, pulls herself closer to nuzzle at the warm skin there. Jamie has a freckle under her ear, and Dani wishes she could press her lips against it. Press her lips against _any_ part of Jamie and _never_ stop. She's never wanted anyone like this, never loved this much before, it's almost too much to handle.

The unfairness of it all suddenly wells up in her.

Jamie stirs. It’s no surprise. Dani’s practically vibrating — she feels like she’s humming all over, every inch of her tingling with the warmth of Jamie’s skin. Jamie’s hand moves in her sleep, her fingers tracing a lazy pattern on Dani’s arm, slowly making their way to the hand that rests against Jamie’s chest.

Jamie’s eyes flutter open. They’re sleepy. Sweet and vulnerable and adorably sleepy.

“Hello,” Jamie says. She doesn’t flinch at Dani’s nearness or try to pull away. She doesn’t even blink.

“Hey,” Dani says. She’s afraid to say anything else. Afraid Jamie will start backing away if she does. Afraid that any words would destroy the peaceful moment. She turns her hand in Jamie’s, her thumb brushing lightly over Jamie’s knuckles before she laces their fingers together.

If she can just have a few more moments of this, it’ll be enough. She can get through the day. She can even get through the funeral. Because as much as she loved Eddie, as much as it hurts to lose him, she knows that she wasn’t _in love with him,_ not the way she is with Jamie.

She can't imagine a world without Jamie.

“You’re thinking too loud,” Jamie says, her voice quiet and full of sleep.

“Am I?

“Mm,” Jamie hums. She lets go of Dani’s hand, brushing a strand of Dani’s loose hair off her cheek before she cups the side of Dani’s face in her hand. The pad of her thumb strokes over her cheekbone, and Dani thinks she might melt into the mattress. She focuses on the way Jamie moves her hand, on the warmth of her fingers against Dani’s skin, perfectly safe, perfectly soothing. Her eyes close against the feeling.

Dani doesn’t want for there to be anywhere else in the universe other than this small space, just for one moment.

When she opens her eyes, Jamie has moved closer, and Dani’s first thought is that she's leaning in to kiss her. Her second thought is that _this_ is what she has wanted for so long. This closeness, this connection and her heartbeat speeds up just at the potential.

It’s not a kiss, though. Jamie settles her forehead against Dani’s, letting out a heavy exhale as she does so.

“I’m so glad you stayed,” Dani admits. “I’m so glad you’re here.” The pause is heavy and painful and the words spill out of Dani before she can think. “Jamie, I…”

She almost says it. The words are hovering on the tip of her tongue, are so close to coming out that it hurts.

Then there’s a knock on the door, loud and insistent, and it breaks the moment in two.

Jamie is pulling back, and Dani sits up on her elbows to stare at the door reluctantly. She hadn’t expected her mother to try to talk to her today, not after last night, not after their disastrous conversation. The hours of sleep haven’t made the thought of dealing with her mother any more appealing.

“Dani?” Karen calls from the hallway. Dani pushes the blankets off them, casting a quick glance at Jamie to mouth “sorry” before she opens the door. She only cracks it a few inches, but she can still see the way her mother’s eyes immediately find Jamie in her bed. Dani straightens her back, ready for a fight.

She doesn’t get one.

“Do you want to drive there together?”

It isn’t until that moment that she realizes that her mother is dressed in all black, with a thick layer of makeup covering the exhaustion typically written on her face.

_Dressed for a funeral._

Dani is surprised. “Um, sure,” she says. “What time is it?”

“Just after eight,” her mother replies, voice curt. “We’ll have to leave in a half hour to get to the church in time.”

“Okay,” Dani says. She glances back at Jamie, who is sitting up on the bed and watching the scene unfold. “We’ll be ready in a few.”

“I made coffee,” Karen says, then walks away.

Dani closes the door behind her and turns to Jamie, who is still looking at Dani with a look that’s too close to scared for Dani.

“That wasn’t too bad,” Dani says, crossing the room to sit on the edge of the bed. Jamie is still too far away, and she wishes that they could just go back to the comfort of two minutes ago. “Or was it? I don’t know. Did she seem too... I don't know. Weird?"

Jamie presses her lips together. "A little. I mean, she's your mum, I don't really know her. But…”

Dani sighs. “Whatever. It’ll have to wait.”

Jamie moves to the edge of the bed, pausing at Dani’s side. “I should go get my bag. Get dressed, all that. You going to be okay?”

“I’ll just get ready and grab some of that coffee,” Dani says. “Don’t worry about me.”

Dani waits for Jamie to slip out of the room before she drops her head into her hands, rubbing at her temples. Today was never going to be easy.

When she gathers herself, she pulls her hair back into as neat of a bun as she can manage, puts on the black dress that she brought with her, and heads outside. God forbid her mother corner Jamie while she’s getting ready.

But Jamie is nowhere in sight, and her mother stands alone in the kitchen. They lock eyes for a moment before Karen lets out a breath, heavy and dramatic, and looks off to the side.

Dani figures she’ll have to be the one to speak first, but isn’t sure what to say.

“Coffee?” Karen beats her to it.

“Please.” At least it’ll give her something to do with her hands instead of fiddling nervously in front of her. It’s a habit she’s been trying for years to shake, ever since her mother pointed out when she was a young teenager.

Dani takes a sip of the steaming mug, noting, with pleasure, that her coffee has at least gotten better than her mother’s. She wonders if she could get Jamie to try it, just so hers won’t seem quite so bad in comparison.

“Sleep okay?” Karen asks. There’s something hidden in her tone. Dani knows what it is without asking. She wants to know what Jamie was doing in Dani’s bed.

Nothing, sadly. Still, she wants her mother to sit with her discomfort.

“Great,” Dani says. “You?”

Karen shrugs. “Okay. Had one of my migraines.” Migraines were a codeword, Dani learned from a young age, for when her mother drank far too much.

“Feeling better?” she asks anyway.

Karen ignores her question. “So, you and your — Jamie.” Her voice is tight, like her throat is fighting every word that’s coming out her mouth. “Is she… are you…”

“We’re friends, mom,” Dani says. As much as Dani would like to lie, to test these waters with her mother, she can’t involve Jamie like that — it wouldn’t be fair.

They’re just friends. Just friends who share a bed. Just friends with rules to keep each other at a safe distance. Jamie is just a friend, and Dani is just a girl in love with her friend. It happens all the time, right? Tale as old as time, really.

“Is she good for you?”

The question catches her off guard. Her mother isn’t looking at her when she asks, staring at her fingers as they drum against her coffee mug. Dani watches her carefully, trying to determine if it’s safe to answer. She decides after a moment that she doesn’t care much either way. If her mother wants to make this the final straw, the moment their relationship finally dissolves into nothing, so be it.

“Yeah,” Dani says. “She’s the best thing that’s happened to me in years.”

Karen hums, then takes a sip of her coffee. She sets the mug down in the sink. “We’d better get going.”

* * *

Jamie doesn’t leave Dani’s side during the funeral, and Dani tries to ignore her mother’s gaze focused on the way their hands fold together once they’re seated in the pews of the church. _It doesn’t matter,_ she tells herself. All that matters is that Jamie is here, is willing to hold her hand, is steady and strong and all the things Dani wishes she could be.

The priest is the same one who’d spoken at the wake the night before. The sermon is pretty, if not a bit generic, and talks about celebrating Eddie’s life and that he’s with his god now. Dani doesn’t feel much like celebrating.

She holds on to Jamie’s hand a bit tighter, grateful when Jamie squeezes back.

* * *

It’s just past noon when they arrive back at her mother’s house.

Dani is far too tired for the wary way her mother keeps looking at her, so she excuses herself to her bedroom.

“Coming with?” she asks Jamie.

Jamie gives a tight nod. “Of course.”

The moment the door closes behind them, Dani feels herself relax. She didn’t realize how much being around her mother was winding her up. She doesn’t know why — she doesn’t care, she doesn’t need her, she swears she doesn’t — but this awkward place they’re in right now is driving her up a wall.

Dani wants to talk to her about it, to know whether her mother is still going to love her after this, even if it’s in her own stifled way. But she’s too exhausted to talk about it today, and they’re leaving tomorrow morning.

Dani flops face first onto her bed. A second later she feels Jamie’s weight land on the mattress next to her.

“Long day,” Jamie says.

“It’s only noon,” Dani points out.

“Probably going to get a lot longer, then.” Jamie pauses for a second. “How you holding up?”

Jamie’s voice is soft, and it makes Dani want to cry. She shifts onto her back so that she can look at her, can see the concern in her eyes. Dani thinks it’ll be enough to break her.

“I’m okay,” Dani says.

There’s a brief pause, then, “You sure?”

Dani's lip trembles against her will, and she feels herself losing the battle with her tears. Jamie is here, though, and that's all that matters. She tips her face towards Jamie, closes her eyes, and lets the tears flow at last.

“Come here,” Jamie says, turning on to her side and pulling Dani into a hug. “It’s okay.”

Dani rests her head against Jamie’s chest, and the sound of her heartbeat is enough to drown out all other sounds in the room.

* * *

She’s not sure when it happens, but at some point she must fall asleep in Jamie’s arms, because the next thing she knows, Dani is waking up alone in her old bedroom.

The sun is still up, but barely, judging by the pink light floating through the window. She groans as she sits up, looking for any sign of Jamie. She finds one in the cracked door and the voices floating through it.

 _Shit._

Dani shakes her head, trying to wake up as quickly as possible. Jamie and her mother, talking. This could be a disaster. She pads her way down the hall, looking for the source of the voices.

She finds them in the kitchen.

“I don’t know what to do,” her mother’s voice says.

Dani peaks around the corner. Her mom is seated at the table, and Jamie is standing near the counter, leaning against it with her arms crossed. Dani recognizes it as a defensive stance, one Jamie adopts when she’s uncomfortable, but Jamie is looking at Karen with a soft but careful curiosity.

“Way I see it, there’s nothing to do,” Jamie pushes off the counter, and Dani moves out of sight. “You either love her, or you don’t. But there’s no changing who she is.”

“That’s just the thing, isn’t it? I don’t know who she is. And it’s not because of this whole — this —“ She hears her mother sigh. “I don’t know when it started, but I haven’t known her in years. I didn’t know her when she left for New York, or when she left Eddie, or when she was a teenager. I can’t remember the last time I looked at my daughter and wasn’t… surprised.”

“Surprised?”

“That she’s so different from me. That she’s not... broken. She’s not who I expected her to be. And I’m not sure how to feel about it.”

“If I were you, I would feel proud. Your daughter is the best person I know, hands down. She’s kind, and smart, and brave. She can’t make a cup of tea to save her life, but that’s Americans for you.”

Her mother, against all odds, actually laughs at this.

“Dani is wonderful. Truly. Everyone who knows her can see it. Can’t you?”

Dani’s ears are straining to hear her mother’s response when there’s a knock at the door. Dani practically leaps out of her skin.

“That must be the pizza,” Karen says.

Dani hurries as quickly as she can down the carpeted hall back to her old bedroom, ducking inside just in time. She’s sitting on her bed when Jamie walks back in.

Jamie smiles when she sees her.

“Ah, good. You’re up.”

She leans against the doorway, head tilted as she looks at Dani. Dani takes a moment to watch her, to absorb the image of Jamie covered in the deep orange light from the setting sun.

Dani's never had anyone like Jamie. She's never had anyone care for her the way Jamie does — someone to stand up for her, see her. She doesn't know what she did to deserve Jamie. To deserve love. And it _is_ love. Jamie loves her, even if it isn’t the kind of love Dani craves. She sees the way Jamie looks at her, feels it in her stomach like a low hum.

Love. 

“You good?” Jamie asks, and Dani realizes she’s staring. _Rule eight,_ she thinks solemnly.

“Yeah, sorry, just still…” She gestures to her head. “Foggy, I guess.”

“Hungry?”

She isn’t but she nods anyway. “Yeah, pizza sounds great.”

Jamie pauses, a small frown on her face. “How did you…”

“Oh, um.” Dani scrambles for an answer. “I figured my mom doesn’t cook, and pizza is the only delivery around here.”

“Right,” Jamie says. The frown softens back into a gentle smile. “Come on then Poppins. Let’s see what sort of pizza they make in Iowa.”

“Prepare to be sorely disappointed.”

* * *

After stuffing themselves full of awful pepperoni pizza, they head back into Dani’s room. Karen didn’t have dinner with them, sitting in the living room to watch “her shows” by herself with a tray table and a single slice. Dani is okay with that. She needs time to process the conversation she’d overheard between her mom and Jamie.

Her mother doesn’t hate her. But she doesn’t seem to love her very much, either. How can she, when she feels like they barely even know each other? She can’t say that she feels differently. Her mother has seemed like a stranger at more than one point in Dani’s life.

Dani pushes the thoughts to the back of her mind as she drags Jamie back into her bedroom, oping to hide out for a few more hours.

“Oh my god. Poppins, is that your yearbook?”

She’s regrets her decision as she follows Jamie’s eyes over to the bookshelf, landing on a large, hardcover book. _Class of 1979_ is written in script on the binding.

“No,” Dani says, but she can’t fight her smile when Jamie raises an eyebrow.

“Someone else’s? Found it on the street, did you?”

“Ugh. Fine, you can look if you want. Just… no making fun of my hair, okay?”

“I can’t promise anything.”

Jamie finds Dani’s class photo with impressive speed. “A middle part, huh?”

“Jamie!”

“It’s cute, really,” Jamie insists, but Dani nudges her when she sees the smile Jamie is fighting.

“I’d like to see your senior photo,” Dani says. Then she remembers — Jamie doesn’t have one. “I mean, or any photo of you as a kid, I guess.”

“Good save,” Jamie says. “But I don’t have any.”

“Really?” Dani asks. “Not even one?”

Jamie shakes her head, and Dani’s heart sinks. Whoever Jamie’s parents were, they didn’t deserve a kid like Jamie, and she certainly didn’t deserve parents like them.

Dani moves a bit closer, peering over Jamie’s shoulder at the pages. “Have you found my band photo yet?”

“I’m sorry, your _what?”_

They go through the rest of it page by page. There’s a lot more Dani in here than she remembers, but then again, it was a small school with not many students to fill the pages. She shows Jamie all the clubs she occupied her time with — debate, pep band, honor society. They’d just finished laughing at a particularly awful image of Dani with a clarinet when she turns the page, and…

_THEN AND NOW: Danielle Clayton and Edmund O’Mara_

… is staring back up at her.

The first photo is of them holding hands next to each other with goofy smiles on their faces. Both of Dani’s front teeth are missing, and Eddie’s curls are untamable, wild in the summer heat. They can’t be older than seven in the photo. Next to it is a similar shot, taken outside the school. In this one, Dani is sitting in Eddie’s lap, and they’re both grinning at the camera.

She’d thought she was so happy then.

“How old are you here?” Jamie asks, voice soft like she knows she’s treading in dangerous waters.

“We’ve known each other since we were six, so probably not much older than that,” Dani says, tracing her fingers over the photo. “We were neighbors, but never talked until we met at a birthday party of a mutual friend. Our mothers recognized each other, and then…” She chews on her lip. “Judy started watching me when my parents were working. And then after my dad died, I’d be there almost every day. And Eddie… he was sweet. Funny. He could make me forget about all the bad stuff for a while.”

“Sounds like a good friend,” Jamie says.

“He was. And then he, um — he asked me out in seventh grade, and the rest is history.”

Tears are gathering in Dani's eyes before she has time to stop them. She sniffles, closing the yearbook. When she looks up, Jamie is staring at her.

“I’m sorry,” she says quickly. “I didn’t mean to make you sad.”

“No, it’s good to remember what we were before all the… stuff,” Dani says. “It’s just hard. And looking at this, these pictures — it’s almost like I was a completely different person.”

“Would it be a bad thing if you were?”

Dani thinks. “No,” she says. “I was… I thought I was happy, you know? But I think I was just pretending. I think I just thought I knew what happy looked like, and if I tried hard enough, for long enough…”

“And that’s different now?”

_Are you happy yet?_

Jamie’s voice is soft and careful. Dani pictures her in the doorway earlier, a small smile and kind eyes. Those eyes are trained on her now, and it’s hard to breathe.

“Yeah,” Dani says. “I think it is.”

* * *

That night, Dani doesn’t have to ask Jamie to stay. Dani curls up beside her, arm resting against the slope of her ribs. Her head leans on Jamie’s shoulder as they lay together.

Happiness is a strange thing. Dani’s never been a particularly happy person. But for the first time in her life, she feels like she isn’t afraid, that nothing can take this from her.

However long it takes, Dani is willing to wait. She loves Jamie, and for now, that’s enough.

She closes her eyes.

“Goodnight, Poppins,” she hears. She’s faintly aware of the press of lips against her forehead. For the third time in two days, Dani is lulled to sleep by the sound of Jamie’s beating heart.

//

Karen drives them to the airport the next morning.

It’s raining, so they say their goodbyes in the car, hugging awkwardly over the middle console. They don’t say they love each other, and there’s no promise to see each other soon, but there is a change in the air between them, and for the first time in years, Dani thinks she’s okay with her relationship with her mother.

It starts thundering just before they get on the plane, and Jamie flinches with every clap.

“I didn’t know you’re afraid of storms,” Dani says.

“Not usually,” Jamie says. “Only when I’m about to be 30,000 feet in the air.”

When Dani offers her hand, Jamie takes it, closing a bit too tightly over Dani’s.

* * *

It feels like it’s been longer than four days when they finally get back to their apartment. Dani just wants to throw herself on the couch, put on a movie and curl up close to Jamie, the way they easily would’ve a few weeks ago.

But Jamie doesn’t sit next to her on their lumpy sofa. Instead, she walks into her room. Dani figures out why a few minutes later when she returns to refill her watering can, pausing to pour some into to the soil of the sad-looking plants sitting on the windowsill above the sink.

“They survive without you?”

“Barely,” Jamie says. “I can’t believe I forgot to ask Owen to come water them. It’s only a few days late, but…”

“Hey,” Dani says. “They’ll be okay, right?”

“I just know better,” Jamie says.

“You kind of had a lot on your mind.” Dani shifts uncomfortably in her seat.

Jamie doesn’t regret going on the trip, does she? She couldn’t. It had been nice, in its own messed up way. Jamie had been there for her, held her, made her see brief glimpses of happiness in an otherwise incredibly glum situation. It felt like they were on the same page for the first time in months.

“Yeah,” Jamie says, distant.

She walks back into her bedroom and doesn’t come out for another twenty minutes.

“I’m going for a walk,” she announces as she passes Dani on the couch.

“Oh,” Dani says. She’s not sure if she should invite herself, given the way Jamie’s hands are tucked into her pockets, her eyes not meeting Dani’s. “Are you… okay?”

Jamie shrugs. “Need groceries for dinner, right?”

Dani nods. “Right. Right.”

Jamie leaves without another word.

* * *

Jamie is gone for nearly an hour. Dani spends it tidying up around the house, looking for anything to occupy her mind other than Jamie, Eddie, her mother, or any of the other terribly confusing emotions rolling through her.

When Jamie returns with several brown bags of groceries they unpack them without speaking.

It’s not until they’re seated at the table for dinner that Dani decides that she’s had enough. This isn’t the way things are supposed to be. Jamie isn’t allowed to just shut down like this, not anymore.

“Hey,” Dani says, voice measured carefully to not betray her thoughts. “Can we talk?”

“What about?” Jamie doesn’t look up from her plate, twirling a bit of pasta around her fork.

“Whatever is going on with you.”

Jamie shrugs, looking up at Dani. “What’s going on with me?”

Her gaze is intense, like she’s expecting Dani to back down. But Dani just straightens her back and tries to look brave. “Rule four, remember? Or was it three? We’re supposed to… you know, talk, right? Communicate?”

Jamie works her jaw as she thinks. “Yeah. We are.”

“So, can we?”

The silence hangs in the air for a moment until Jamie sighs and leans back in her chair. “I don’t know what to say,” Jamie admits. “I’m just… I don’t know. I’m sorry. I think I’m just tired, and tense from the flight, and trying not to take it out on you, but instead I’m coming off as cold and I don’t want that.”

“You don’t?”

The acknowledgement that Jamie isn’t doing this on purpose, isn’t trying to push Dani away, is enough to settle her.

Jamie shakes her head. “Not at all.”

“Okay,” Dani says. “Good. Want to watch a movie? I think we still have popcorn.”

“As long as you promise not to burn it this time. The smell stuck around for a week, Poppins.”

Jamie smiles, and Dani feels her worry melting away. Coming back home doesn’t mean losing whatever closeness they found this week. This doesn’t have to be a setback; they can build from here. Follow the rules, and everything will be okay.

* * *

Dani can’t sleep.

She’s gotten so used to Jamie by her side the past few nights that her bed feels too large, too empty with just her in it. The city is too loud, the air too cold, and she wishes that she had Jamie’s heartbeat to drown it all out.

It’s after midnight when she decides to give up. Maybe some television will help her drift off, even if it means sleeping on the couch.

But when she opens her door, the television is already on, Jamie sitting in front of it. She’s watching some late-night movie on mute, though she doesn’t seem to be looking at the screen.

“Hey,” Dani whispers. Jamie jumps.

“We’ve talked about this, Poppins,” she warns, but she’s laughing. “Jesus. Now I’ll really be up for hours.”

“Can’t sleep?” Dani asks. Jamie shakes her head. “Neither can I.”

Dani hesitates, not sure whether she should take a seat next to Jamie on the couch. But Jamie reaches for the remote and turns off whatever she was — or wasn’t — watching.

She sighs as she turns it over in her hands a few times. “I’m sorry about earlier. I was being… unfair.”

“You’re allowed to have feelings,” Dani says. “I know not everything is about me.”

“Yeah, well, this was,” Jamie admits, glancing up at Dani. “Or about us, I guess.”

The word sends Dani’s heart tumbling into her stomach. _Us_. She knows that Jamie probably doesn’t mean it that way, but she can’t help the hope that starts to fill her as she takes a step closer. “Yeah?”

Jamie nods. “I… I wasn’t sure how easily I could get back to, you know — our life here, what we’ve been doing. I mean, I can’t even sleep tonight because my bed feels too cold, you know?”

“I do,” Dani nods. “I mean, me either. If you want, you can…” Dani glances back at her room. “My bed is bigger than the twin we’ve spent the last two nights on anyway.”

Jamie looks unsure. “I don’t know, Poppins —“

“Just for a night,” Dani says. “Just one night. Until we go back to normal. The rules shouldn’t get in the way of us being there for each other, right? So if this is what both of us needs — to um, to sleep — then why not?”

“Why not,” Jamie repeats slowly. For a second, Dani thinks she’s about to say no, but then Jamie nods, standing. “Right. Okay.”

“Okay,” Dani says, and leads Jamie back into the room.

* * *

Jamie falls asleep almost instantly.

Dani watches her for a few moments, the rise and fall of the blankets, the way her fingers twitch every so often, as if held by some dream she doesn’t want to face. Dani reaches for them, wrapping her hand over Jamie’s to keep it still, watching the small smile that pulls unconsciously at Jamie’s lips.

Everything makes sense when Jamie is here. Dani lays there pondering it all for a few minutes, until sleep finally takes her.

* * *

Dani took the full week off from work when she called in on Monday morning, so she doesn’t have to wake up early on Friday. Still, her eyes pop open easily. She glances at the clock on her nightstand and sees that it’s just after six — plenty of time to make it to school, if she were going. But no, not today.

Today is for her, for Jamie, for finding someplace comfortable for the two of them to exist now that they’ve spent the past few weeks acting like there was something more than friendship between them.

 _There is something more,_ Dani tells herself. _Even if Jamie doesn’t want to act on it. Even if she’s scared._

She watches Jamie sleep, watches the breath puff out of her lips every few seconds in a silent snore. Dani lays there for nearly an hour before she extracts herself from Jamie’s embrace. She hadn’t showered last night, and still feels a bit dirty from the travel.

A shower will help clear her head, anyway.

She runs the water for a minute to let it get as hot as she likes it before stepping in the tub. She lets the water wash over her as she thinks.

Jamie said that Dani needed to get out there, to experience things now that her eyes had been opened to the possibilities. But when Jamie said that, she thought that she was talking to someone who wasn’t completely in love with her best friend. Jamie thought that the feelings Dani harbors for her were small, fleeting and insignificant, like they hadn’t simmered for months until they boiled over and turned Dani’s entire world on its axis.

Dani should’ve said something, but Jamie had seemed so sure that this — whatever it is they have between them — wasn’t something that could last.

But Dani knows better. She knew then and is completely certain now that this thing with Jamie isn’t something she could ever let go of. And as much as she needs to tell Jamie that, but she also doesn’t want to push Jamie when she’s made it clear she’s scared.

She can hear Jamie’s excuses now.

_You’re going through a rough time. You’ve just lost someone important._

_You’re just attaching yourself to the only gay woman you know._

_You’re confused — love and friendship are too closely related, it’s easy to mix them up._

There’s so many things Jamie could say to try to convince herself that Dani doesn’t really love her, and Dani’s sure that she’d try every one. She remembers the letter Jamie wrote to her when she spent the weekend at Owen’s. She was angry — at Dani, but mostly at herself, for letting herself believe that Dani cared about her.

Dani knows that Jamie has baggage, and she needs to be patient. But _god_ does being patient suck when the person you love is right there, within reach, and you have to hold yourself what feels like miles apart.

When Dani shuts off the shower, her head isn’t any more clear. If anything, she’s just confused herself further.

* * *

“I’m gonna pop over to the Manor.”

They’d enjoyed a nice breakfast together after Jamie finally woke up late morning. It’s rare for Jamie to sleep in on a morning after she hadn’t worked the night before, but Dani figured she was exhausted from the week she had. She earned a little extra sleep, and besides, they’ll have all day together.

But after Dani makes them pancakes, Jamie stands to leave.

“Oh, you — you have work?” Dani isn’t sure why, but she wasn’t expecting Jamie to have to go back to the bar so soon. She thought they’d have more time before their real lives took over again.

 _Back to the rules,_ her brain fills in unhelpfully.

“Unfortunately,” Jamie says.

Dani glances at the clock. It’s just after noon, hours before the bar will even open. It reminds her of the time when Jamie was avoiding her, leaving for work entirely too early just to not spend another minute with Dani in their space.

“But it’s so early,” she points out, hoping the worry isn’t edging into her voice.

“Boss isn’t answering my calls. He hasn’t exactly been happy with me lately, but I told him I’d be back today. I’m gonna try stopping in, see if we can talk.”

Dani feels awful in a whole new way. She hadn’t realized when Jamie volunteered to go to Iowa that it could cost her job. “I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, no,” Jamie says. “It’s good, it’s fine, I just… I have to go talk to him. I’m sure it’ll be okay.”

“I hope so.” She takes a step closer to Jamie. “I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll just be a few hours, Poppins. Promise.”

Dani nods. She’s an adult, she can deal with her thoughts filling an empty room for a day. Still, she can’t stop herself from closing the distance between them and pulling Jamie close, if only for a few seconds.

She knows that her time is running out, that soon Jamie will tell her that they have to go back to rules, to safe distance, to friendship. Dani isn’t sure she can take it. Owen had told her that Jamie was just being guarded. Protecting her heart, and fiercely at that. And Dani knows that if that’s true, she just needs to stick around long enough and Jamie will see that she wasn’t going anywhere, that she can trust Dani, that they can be —

“Hey,” Jamie says, pulling back. “You okay? You’re a little…” Jamie’s hands squeeze at Dani’s shoulders as she frowns. “I don’t know, just, you all right?”

It's at that moment that Dani knows that she can’t wait anymore. She needs to tell Jamie she’s in love with her, just put it out there and hope that it’s what Jamie needs to hear. Dani’s feelings for her aren’t some surface-level crush, they’re deep and real and terrifying because they’re exactly what she’s been looking for her entire life.

“Dani?”

She nods. “I’m okay,” she says. “Have a good night at work, okay?”

“I wish I could stay,” Jamie says. Dani sees the concern in her eyes, knows that Jamie is thinking that she’s is still too unstable from everything that’s happened with Eddie and her mother. She wishes she could tell her not to worry, that it has nothing to do with either of them, but she’s not sure the alternative would bring Jamie any peace, either.

“I know,” Dani says. “I’ll see you later?”

She watches as Jamie closes the door, her mind made up.

When Jamie gets home, Dani is going to tell her she’s in love with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading! Sorry that this took a little longer than usual. Life kind of took over this week — work was crazy and I was just too tired to write most nights, and I've had a couple of other projects I'm working on as well! 
> 
> Thank you Mill for being British and enduring my questions that I could absolutely Google :) [Check out their fics ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/newcanaan/pseuds/newcanaan)if you haven't had a chance!


	9. Chapter 9

It was a long week.

Two flights. Iowa. A wake. A funeral. A burial.

Karen Clayton.

A long week, indeed. Too long, if you ask Jamie. Not that she minded — there was no place she’d rather be than by Dani’s side when her best friend needed her. But Jamie isn’t a people person; people are exhausting, and this week was the most tiring she’s had in years.

When they arrive back home, she’s expecting to be happy, maybe even relieved. What she’s not ready to deal with is the feeling of dread that swallows her whole as soon as they step over the threshold.

Back home. Back in their space. Back to real life, hundreds of miles away from this strange little world she’s been living in for the past four days, where she could hold Dani’s hand in hers during the day, hold Dani in her arms at night.

 _Could have that here, too,_ she reminds herself.

 _It’s not a good idea. Safer this way,_ her more rational mind argues.

 _Says who?_

“Home sweet home,” Dani sings, looking around.

Jamie doesn’t share the sentiment, but smiles at her anyway.

It’s not until she walks into her bedroom that the smile falls away.

“I forgot my fucking plants,” she says to the empty room. It sounds crazy to say out loud. Impossible. Before she met Dani, her plants were practically all she cared about, the only things in this damn city worth her time and attention. The only things in the world that _wanted_ her time and attention.

“Fuck.”

She tries not to seem angry as she walks around the apartment, tending to the poor, wilted things. They’ll survive, certainly, but that’s not the point, is it? Jamie neglected them. She’d been thoughtless.

A familiar rage bubbles under her skin, the kind she puts on a shelf and brings out only for herself in her worst moments.

* * *

She goes on a walk to clear her mind. It’s been a long week, too fuckin’ long of a week, and she’s barely had a moment to herself to process about all that’s happened, not when her every thought has been about Dani, Dani, _Dani_.

The smell of Dani’s shampoo as her head laid on Jamie’s chest. The caress of Dani’s thumb over the back of Jamie’s hand. The rise and fall of Dani’s breath as she slept. The tears in her eyes — over Eddie, over Karen, over her own intangible happiness.

Jamie has had to deal with death in her life. She’s had to deal with the rejection of a parent, with neglect, more than any person rightly should. She didn’t expect that watching someone she loved going through these things could be as painful as experiencing it herself.

It brought up bad memories, ones Jamie never has the time or the desire to revisit. More than anything, though, it made her want to shield Dani from all the pain Jamie has ever felt.

For Jamie, Dani is the first person in a long time who feels like home. Jamie would give anything to protect that. The last time Jamie felt this kind of peace didn’t end well. It’s why she thinks that now, more than ever, she has to play it safe with Dani. She needs Dani in her life, can’t afford to lose her, couldn’t take that hit.

Her brain is on board with this— her heart, bolstered by a week spent pretending that there was nothing standing between her and Dani, is a different story entirely.

* * *

Her thoughts are no more clear when she gets back to their place, two bags of groceries in tow.

* * *

Jamie is still spinning until dinner, when Dani gets her attention with a soft-spoken “Hey…can we talk?”

Jamie doesn’t look up from her plate. “What about?”

“Whatever is going on with you.”

Right. Of course Dani would notice her sour mood — Jamie hasn’t exactly been subtle about it. Her mother used to tell her she wore her heart on her sleeve, back before…

“What’s going on with me?” Jamie asks. The words feel petulant as soon as they leave her lips, but she can’t take them back, so she just stabs at her pasta some more and steals a glance at Dani.

Dani tilts her head, as if she might see something different in Jamie from this angle. “Rule four, remember? Or was it three? We’re supposed to… you know, talk, right? Communicate?”

She bites down a sharper response, one about the rest of the rules being thrown by the wayside, and says, “Yeah, we are.”

“So, can we?”

Her first instinct is to say no, that she’s not interested, that her feelings are no one’s business but her own.

But this is Dani, and her eyes are earnest as she watches Jamie.

She sighs. “I don’t know what to say,” Jamie admits. She feels small, like a child after a tantrum, because that’s how she’s been acting all afternoon, isn’t it? But Dani, in her endless patience, looks at her with kind eyes, and Jamie forces herself to continue. “I’m just… I don’t know. I’m sorry. I think I’m just tired, and tense from the flight, and trying not to take it out on you, but instead I’m coming off as cold and I don’t want that.”

“You don’t?”

Jamie shakes her head. “Not at all.”

Pushing Dani away is the last thing she wants. If anything she wants to hold Dani close, so close their heartbeats mingle until they match, the way they have as they drifted to sleep the past several nights in a too-small twin sized bed in Iowa.

* * *

That night, Jamie can’t sleep.

The first time Jamie slept beside Dani, she was up all night with thoughts of her. Her eyes traced over every inch of Dani’s face that she could see through the streetlight that drifted through the window. The slope of her shoulders, her hair spread across Jamie’s pillow. She can still picture it now, perfectly etched into her memory.

Jamie felt like both ends of a magnet that night, desperate to hold herself as far away from Dani as possible but unable to resist being drawn nearer and nearer.

Now, without Dani next to her, Jamie’s thoughts race. Her arms ache for Dani. Her chest feels like there’s a dull bruise across it, a soreness where Dani’s head should rest.

“This is stupid,” Jamie says to no-one, sitting up in her bed.

She won’t be able to sleep, not here, not tonight. Not alone.

She pads out of her bedroom and pours herself a glass of water, careful to be as quiet as possible. She turns on the table lamp next to the couch for just long enough to find the remote, then switches it back off as soon as she has the television on. She doesn’t want the light to wake Dani. God knows she needs the rest after the week she’s had.

Whatever is on the television is of little consequence to Jamie, who tucks her knees up to her chest as she stares at the wall that holds their framed pictures. Dani had picked each one out — photos of them with their friends, mostly — and even insisted that they take a few just the two of them just to hang. Jamie thought it was silly at the time, but it seemed important to Dani, so she went along with it.

Jamie’s thoughts wander to Dani’s yearbook, to the multitude of photos of Dani and Eddie on display at the man’s memorial. She wonders how many pictures they’d taken together over the years after that first one at age six. Jamie doesn’t have those sorts of photos, doesn’t have any photos of herself at all, and she’d told Dani as much as they poured over Dani’s yearbook.

There wasn’t any time, when she left home, to gather them. No room for sentimentality in the single bag she was allowed to put together, and Jamie hasn’t had contact with her family since. Whatever family memories existed have been discarded, likely tossed in a bin somewhere along the line.

Next time Dani wants to take a photo with her, Jamie thinks she won’t argue. She wants as many memories with Dani as she can get.

“Hey.”

The whisper sends Jamie nearly a foot in the air.

She looks over to see Dani leaning against her doorframe and flattens a hand against her chest, hoping to calm her heart. “We’ve talked about this, Poppins. Jesus,” she says, shaking her head as she laughs, the adrenaline still pumping steadily through her veins. “Now I’ll really be up for hours.”

“Can’t sleep?” Dani hesitates in her doorway before taking a step into the living room. “Neither can I.”

Jamie nods. She wonders if she has anything to do with Dani’s inability to sleep, if she’s caused it in some way with her bad attitude. “I’m sorry about earlier,” she says, just in case. “I was being… unfair.”

“You’re allowed to have feelings. I know not everything is about me.”

“Yeah, well, this was,” Jamie admits, glancing up at Dani. “Or about us, I guess.”

“Yeah?”

Jamie nods, working the words over in her head before she speaks, trying to be cautious about what she’s about to say. “I… I wasn’t sure how easily I could get back to, you know — our life here, what we’ve been doing. I mean, I can’t even sleep tonight because my bed feels too cold, you know?”

It’s a bold admission, one that Jamie might not have let escape if she weren’t so exhausted. But it’s the truth. The idea of reigning her feelings back in after the week they’ve had is… not a pleasant one. Impossible, even — especially with Dani’s eyes, barely lit by the glow of the television screen but still so full of something that looks too close to love for Jamie’s comfort.

“I do. I mean, me either. If you want, you can…” Dani glances back at her room. “My bed is bigger than the twin we’ve spent the last two nights on anyway.”

Jamie hesitates. She wants to say yes, so badly, but this is dangerous territory. “I don’t know, Poppins —“

“Just for a night. Just one night. Until we go back to normal. The rules shouldn’t get in the way of us being there for each other, right?” Jamie wants to laugh at how Dani turns that phrase around on her, but the truth of it stops her. “So, if this is what both of us needs — to um, to sleep — then why not?”

“Why not,” Jamie repeats. The words circle her head a dozen times before she finds herself standing. “Right. Okay.”

 _Why not?_

* * *

The next morning, the thought is still at the forefront of her mind.

 _Why not?_ as she wakes up in bed alone, only to be quickly comforted by the sound of Dani bustling in the kitchen.

 _Why not?_ as she splashes water on her face, trying to wash away the dreams of them together.

 _Why not?_ as she smiles up at Dani, thanking her for the breakfast.

There’s the reason she gave Dani: she needs to experience the world, to learn about herself before she’s ready to jump into a relationship with such high stakes.

There’s the reason she gave Owen: she’s afraid that Dani’s feelings are so intense because they’re new, that they’ll fade with time, that Jamie can’t risk their friendship or the hurt that would come with losing it.

Then there’s the reason that Jamie knows, deep down, is the realest of them all: she’s terrified that she doesn’t deserve Dani’s love. If, by some miracle, Dani’s feelings for Jamie were just as strong as Jamie’s are for her, just as lasting… Jamie isn’t sure she’d be any more ready to accept them.

The thought of being loved, even by Dani, shakes her to her core.

Love has never been something that has worked out in Jamie’s favor.

* * *

“You have work?”

Dani sounds so disappointed in the idea that Jamie feels bad for having to say yes.

“Unfortunately.”

She tried every number she has for her boss to no avail. If she has any chance at keeping her job, it’s by showing up for work today.

“But it’s so early,” Dani says, a slight pout weighing down her lips.

Jamie figures there’s no use in hiding the truth. If she’s going to be fired, Dani will learn about it soon enough. “Boss isn’t answering my calls. I’m gonna try stopping in, see if we can talk.”

Dani’s pout dissolves into a genuine frown. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s good, it’s fine, I just… I have to go talk to him.” She forces a smile she’s sure Dani won’t believe. “I’m sure it’ll be okay.”

“I hope so.” Dani chews on her lip for a moment as she looks at Jamie. “I’ll miss you.”

Her heart dances at the words. “I’ll just be a few hours, Poppins. Promise.”

Dani steps forward and pulls Jamie in for a hug. It’s nice, a bit of much-needed grounding comfort before Jamie has to go and confront a shitty situation. It takes a few seconds for Jamie to realize that Dani is shaking.

“Hey,” Jamie says, pulling back. She looks over Dani’s face, but doesn’t find any answers there. “You okay? You’re a little… don’t know, just, you all right?” Dani doesn’t answer, just stares at Jamie with wide eyes until Jamie can’t stand it anymore. “Dani?”

Dani nods, jolting herself out of whatever stupor had taken hold of her. “I’m okay. Have a good night at work, okay?”

Jamie hesitates. Maybe Dani isn’t as fine as she’s seemed since returning home. Maybe she’s still haunted by all the things that have happened in the last week — Jamie couldn’t blame her if she was.

“I wish I could stay,” Jamie says.

“I know,” Dani says. “I’ll see you later?”

* * *

Someone is behind the bar when Jamie arrives at the Manor.

“Boss around?” Jamie asks, knowing with a sinking feeling that this man’s very presence is answer enough.

The newcomer barely glances at her before he shakes his head. “Nope. You Jamie?”

Jamie nods. She knew this was coming.

“He said to give you this,” the man says, handing her an envelope. Final pay, she suspects. “And to tell you not to come back.”

* * *

Jamie walks with no particular destination in mind.

She can’t go home, not yet. As much as she wants to be with Dani right now, she knows that this news will hurt her. She’ll only blame herself, even though it was entirely Jamie’s decision to go, and Jamie doesn’t want that.

After a while she decides that she’ll head over to Owen’s restaurant. Maybe he’ll have some work for her. She’d be a terrible waitress, but she’s willing to give it a go. He has a bar there, too, though she’s pretty certain her skillset from years spent working a dive bar would not transfer well to the quiet elegance of A Batter Place. Or maybe he knows someone who is looking for a barkeep — Owen seems to know an extraordinary number of people in the industry.

It’s nearly an hour’s walk, but Jamie doesn’t want to waste money on a taxi and can’t stand the thought of being underground right now. Time alone with her thoughts is good for her, anyway, after the week she’s had.

When she arrives, Jamie pauses outside the restaurant.

It’s crazy how little time has passed since the first time she stood in this very spot. That night, Dani asked for her phone number. She wasted no time in using it. Jamie knew, even then, just how special Dani was, how important she would become to Jamie if she just _let her._

In the back of her mind, in a space reserved for buried thoughts that she’s determined not to acknowledge, she thinks that she may be at a similar point now. If Jamie would just let her…

_Why not, why not, why not?_

Jamie lights up a cigarette the way she had that night as she watched Dani walk away for the first time. She dodges out of view of the restaurant’s window to smoke, not wanting to catch Owen’s attention before she’s ready.

She’s never been good at asking for help. It’s not something she’s comfortable with, not in the least, but she doesn’t have savings to speak of. She needs a job as soon as possible if she doesn’t want to lose the life she’s built here.

Her eyes wander to the storefront next to Owen’s restaurant. It’s a small, boutique flower shop. Or it was, rather.

 _A shame,_ Jamie thinks, staring at the “going out of business” signs hanging in the windows. She’d never gotten to go inside, always meant to. She’d only come to Owen’s restaurant on occasions when she didn’t have hours to lose wandering around looking at plants.

She smokes the cigarette down to the filter, then braces herself as she heads inside.

Owen is bent over a table with two men seated in front of him. There’s no one else in the restaurant — no staff, no customers. It’s probably hours away from opening, Jamie realizes. She’s lucky Owen is here at all.

Owen turns at the sound of the bell over the door, a small frown on his face until he spots her and his mouth drops open. He glances between Jamie and then men at the table for a second before he starts towards her.

“Speak of the devil. What are the _chances_ — Jamie!” Owen says, grinning at her. He ducks close so only she can hear. “My investor, be cool.”

“Jamie, is it?” The older man in a blazer looks her over, then extend a hand. “I’m Henry, this is my associate Peter. Owen was just telling us about your plants?”

“My… plants?” Jamie glances at Owen, unsure.

_What is this?_

“Yes, your plants,” Owen jumps in. “And how you — you know, propagate them, care for them. I swear I’ve never seen such healthy looking things in a New York apartment.”

“You know anything about flowers?” Henry asks.

“Plenty,” Jamie says, still confused.

“Good. Any interest in running a shop?” Henry suggests, like it’s the most casual thing in the world. “The one next-door is closing up. The building is owned by the same man who owns this one, and he’s made us a generous offer on rent if we can get someone in this month.”

The place next-door. The flower shop. The conversation buzzes around her for a moment while she allows herself to picture it. A store of her own, full of flowers, plants — no more late nights with drunken people too sad to go home.

“… just telling him all about you, and there you are! Talk about serendipity. She’s wonderful, truly,” Owen is saying. “And she’d already have a bunch of customers — centerpieces for this restaurant, at least, and I’m sure there’s half a dozen more I could get interested.”

“Wow, that’s — yeah, that sounds amazing,” Jamie says, words finally coming to her. “That would be incredible.”

“Excellent,” Henry said. His smile is firm, but his eyes have a spark of joy behind them. “Peter here will call you and set something up.”

Jamie glances over at the other man, Peter, and frowns. He looks familiar, though it takes her a moment to place him. He was the man Dani had been coming to meet that first night she came into the Manor.

Without him, they may have never met.

Serendipity.

“Yes,” Jamie says. “Any time is good, just let me know.”

A store of her own. Investors watching her every move isn’t ideal, of course, but — a flower shop where she could spend her days surrounded by plants? It’s something she’s barely let her self dream of.

She turns to Owen once Henry and Peter leave.

“Thank you. I don’t know what to say, I —“

“Please,” Owen says. “I barely did anything. Only mentioned the idea to them, and then there you were. Do you believe in fate?”

“Not usually,” Jamie answers. But lately… She shakes off the thought. “I owe you one.”

“You can make me a drink,” Owen says, nodding towards the empty bar. “A shame, really — always thought you might work here one day.”

“And scare off your fancy clients? Never.”

* * *

She stays at A Batter Place for much longer than she’s expecting. It turns out that Owen, once he has a drink in him, has a lot of grand ideas. They spend several hours excitedly discussing plans, and with every second that passes this whole crazy thing begins to feel more and more real.

Jamie finally has an excuse to leave when the staff starts to arrive to open the restaurant for the dinner shift.

“Come back tomorrow,” Owen says. “Bring Dani, and we’ll celebrate for real.”

* * *

Jamie can’t stop smiling the entire walk home. Her face hurts from the force of it by the time she finally arrives. She jogs up the stairs, filled with a rare energy that she wishes she could bottle and save for the days to come. There’s going to be a lot of work to do.

Dani is in the kitchen when Jamie throws open the doors.

“Hi,” Jamie says, grin still wide.

Dani glances over at the clock, then back at Jamie. “Hey.”

She sounds uncertain, but Jamie is still floating too high to notice. She hangs her coat up by the door, then crosses the room to pull Dani into a hug without any of the usual doubt hanging overhead.

“You’re not going to believe —“

“I was hoping we could —“

They both pull away, then laugh. Dani shakes her head.

“You can go first. What happened? Was he mad?”

“You could say that. I got fired,” Jamie says, then shrugs. “Well, sort of. He didn’t even have the decency to do it himself, just hired a replacement who waved me away.”

“Oh no, Jamie. I’m so sorry.” Dani’s face falls, and Jamie scrambles to fix it.

“No, no, it’s not — the most incredible thing happened.” Jamie starts pacing with excitement, unable to sit still. “I walked to Owen’s, hoping to see if he knew of any work. His investor was there, and he — he wants to take over the flower shop next door. He wants me to run it.”

“He…what?”

“Yeah, we’re going to set up a meeting next week. Peter — you remember that guy, the one from the blind date? — anyway, he's going to call me to pick a day once they're back at his office.”

A smile blooms across Dani’s face. “Really?”

“Yes, really. I could hardly believe it myself, but Owen apparently had been telling them about me right before I showed up, and just like that…I have to start thinking — I don’t know what the space is like, I haven’t ever been inside, but it looks big enough and bright enough. Just picture it, Poppins. No more late nights at the bar. You can come by the shop whenever you like, and we can —“

Without ceremony, with no preamble, no hesitation, Dani crosses the room and kisses Jamie.

Dani presses herself into Jamie like she belongs there. Dani’s hands thread into Jamie's hair like she's done it a hundred times before. Her lips are warm, her breath sweet, her kiss as sure and confident as it is tender, and it all feels so much like coming home that it almost brings Jamie to her knees.

She breaks away, breathless, but Dani chases her until her lips are hovering just an inch away.

“Dani?" There's a dozen questions in the two syllables of her name.

"Please," Dani says. Her chest rises and falls with heavy breaths, but she's frozen in place. "Jamie. Please. You can't tell me you don't feel this."

Jamie feels it, all right. She feels it, so strongly she can barely focus on anything else.

For once, the reasons why they can’t do this don’t come rushing to mind. For once, all she can focus on is the hope in Dani’s eyes, the shine on her lips, her hands on Jamie’s shoulders, fingers splayed against her neck. In this moment, for the first time in a long time, everything is right in Jamie’s world — so why not this, too? Why can’t she have this?

_Why not?_

She can’t stop herself from leaning back in.

Dani sighs into the kiss and wraps her arms around Jamie, pulling her close. There’s nothing tentative about it, nothing restrained in her touch, her kiss — in the way she clings to Jamie, and the way Jamie clings back.

After weeks of dancing around this, it's impossible to resist anymore.

The kiss is slow but intense, and Jamie's chest aches as the air is pulled from her lungs. Dani's fingers dig into her curls, as if she's afraid Jamie might disappear if she steps away. She can almost feel Dani's heart, a ragged drumbeat that hammers in her own chest, and as her mind starts to slow, she moves her hands to Dani's waist, feels her body shudder and grip tighten.

She’s not sure how long it’s been when finally, desperate for air, Dani pulls back.

Dani’s fingers stay wound in Jamie's hair. Her eyes flick up to meet Jamie's, then down to her lips. "Tell me you want this as bad as I do." Dani's voice is soft now, full of something heavy that shoots straight into Jamie’s stomach. "Tell me you need me like I need you.”

Jamie's voice is just as soft. “More," she says, because she knows it's true. It's always been true. “Dani, I —“

Dani tilts forward and kisses her again. This time it's hot, impatient, and impossibly intimate. Her hands slide down Jamie’s shoulders until they’re bunched in the fabric of Jamie’s collar. She backs up slowly, pulling Jamie along with her. Jamie can't breathe, can't think, can't do anything but follow.

Together, they fall on to the couch. Here, the onslaught of need slows.

Their kisses are still messy, still desperate, but it's tempered by the reality of bodies, touching, searching, learning one another. Jamie's hands are wound in blonde hair. Dani's fingers stroke her sides through the thin fabric of her shirt. Jamie's tongue sweeps over Dani's lips, and she groans, low in her throat.

Touching, searching, _learning._

Jamie feels drunk, drugged by the sweet taste of Dani's kiss, the press of Dani’s hand into the small of her back. Her breath hitches, and she stupidly wonders if Dani can feel her heart beating, too.

Dani slows the kiss, pulls back, licks her lips and smiles at Jamie. Her cheeks are flushed and her eyes are half-lidded, and Jamie thinks this might be the most beautiful thing she's ever seen.

Dani pushes Jamie until her back hits the arm rest. She braces her hands on either side of Jamie’s shoulders as climbs onto her lap, letting Jamie feel every inch of her weight as she settles on top of her. Dani leans in, rests her forehead against Jamie’s, and Jamie’s hands find Dani’s waist automatically.

“Please.” Dani’s lips part, and the word falls softly, helplessly. Lost. She presses harder against Jamie, a slow, deliberate sweep of her hips.

Dani's face is just inches from Jamie’s. Jamie feels the word more than she hears it, feels it like a caress against her skin. Her grip tightens in the fabric of Dani’s skirt, guiding her as she starts to move.

Dani rocks against her, steady and hard. She moves slowly, managing to feel like everything and nothing that Jamie could ever have imagined all at once. Her forehead leans against Jamie’s, their breath mingling.

"God, Jamie," she rasps, a husky, breathless murmur against Jamie's lips before she moves forward to capture them again.

The kiss is more frantic now, and just as consuming. Jamie feels like she's waking up, like Dani's touch is bringing her to life. Dani whispers Jamie’s name between kisses, halfway through her next breath, a breathless benediction that has Jamie shivering.

Jamie wants to kiss her forever.

Jamie was made for this, she thinks. She was made to feel this, to shatter to nothing under the slightest touch of the girl above her.

She was made for Dani.

* * *

Jamie loses track of time. She’d be willing to stay there forever, eyes closed and hands exploring every inch Dani will give her, but after minutes that feel like hours Dani sits up, eyes glazed over with desire.

“Bed?” she asks, voice thick and unsteady. Jamie swallows hard, gives a few quick nods, and follows Dani as she sits up. Dani leans in for one more kiss before they stand. Her fingers don’t leave Jamie’s all the way to Dani’s bedroom.

They stop at the foot of Dani’s bed, and Jamie watches as Dani fiddles with the hem of her shirt, looking more unsure of herself by the second. The thought has Jamie’s heart sinking. She should’ve known that this was a mistake, that she couldn’t want —

“I don’t…” Dani says, biting her lip as she looks up at Jamie. “I don’t know how to…”

Dani gestures between them, and Jamie nods, understanding. “It’s all right. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want.”

“I want to,” Dani says, voice full of a certainty that sets Jamie’s heart back in motion. She takes a deep breath, lays a hand on Jamie’s cheek, and leaves it there, her thumb rubbing in slow, lazy circles. “I want everything. I just don’t know how.”

“You’re sure?”

This moment is one they can’t take back, and the weight of it as heavy as they look at each other. Dani nods, and steps forward to kiss Jamie again. Her hands catch Dani at the elbows, and she guides her down onto the bed, kneeling between her legs.

She takes her time. She doesn’t want to rush Dani, wants to let her feel all of this. Her fingers are slow and easy, as if her own limbs have forgotten how to move. Jamie’s done this more times than she can count, but this, somehow, feels new.

All along, Dani’s watching. Her eyes are hot, her breathing unsteady.

She lifts Dani’s shirt over her head, and they laugh for a moment when it gets caught around her elbows. As soon as it’s off, Dani is reaching for the hem of Jamie’s shirt, and Jamie is happy to oblige. When she settles back on top of Dani, the heat between them is dizzying.

“You’re beautiful,” Jamie says, dropping a kiss to Dani’s shoulder. She moves from there to Dani’s neck, kissing her way up until her mouth finds the shell of Dani’s ear. Dani’s hips jut upward, her fingers digging into skin where they were bunched in fabric moments before.

It’s Dani who reaches for her skirt, pushing it off of her hips and sliding it down her legs. She doesn’t miss a beat before her hands find Jamie’s belt, eyes locking with Jamie’s as she fiddles with the buckle with a smile that has Jamie shuddering.

Dani Clayton, always braver, endlessly bolder than Jamie is ever prepared for.

It feels as if the world has slowed down, and she’s existing in the spaces between each moment. The spaces between each breath. When Jamie’s hand slides between her legs, Dani’s eyes flutter closed.

“This okay?” Jamie asks, pausing. Dani bites her lip as she nods one too many times.

“Please,” she says, sounding as helpless as before, and Jamie is powerless to deny her.

She finds the spot that makes Dani inhale sharply, and presses. She learns quickly what makes Dani shiver, which stroke makes her hips stutter. Dani, looking up at her, is flushed and breathing hard, and she’s never been more beautiful.

They move slowly, hands and mouths everywhere. Jamie feels like she’s drinking in Dani’s breath, her moans, the soft bites she leaves on Jamie’s neck and shoulder. Dani’s hands are strong on her back, pulling her close as she moves against Jamie’s fingers.

“Jamie,” falls from her mouth, first a broken cry, then a chant.

 _Made for this,_ Jamie thinks again.

Made to watch Dani come undone, made to feel her unravel in her hands.

 _Made for Dani,_ she thinks. 

She’s so lost in these thoughts that she almost misses it.

“I love you,” Dani whispers against Jamie’s hair, so soft that it’s nearly lost in the sound of their movement. Jamie closes her eyes, knows that it’s probably just the rush of endorphins that has Dani saying these words right now.

They can talk about it later, talk about it after.

“Oh god, Jamie.”

Dani’s fingers dig into her back, her thighs shaking as she arches into Jamie’s touch.

* * *

They collapse together when it’s over, and Jamie feels Dani’s heart thudding against her chest, feels Dani’s breath against her skin. They lie there like that for a while, bodies tangled together until Dani sighs against her skin.

“Show me,” she breathes.

“Hm?”

“How to make you feel like that,” Dani says. Her fingers trace up the Jamie’s spine. “I want to know.”

There’s a mischievous glint to Dani’s eyes — one that’s daring, bold _,_ and so _wonderfully_ Dani. Jamie knows she’s in for a long night.

* * *

It’s the best sleep Jamie thinks she’s ever gotten. It’s certainly the best morning she’s ever had, waking up to the sight of Dani lying next to her like this.

She’s beautiful. Jamie never wants to leave this bed, never wants to live in any moment again besides this one right here, with the morning sun on Dani’s naked skin and a sleepy smile on her lips. 

Jamie’s body, however, has other ideas. Her throat is dry, her back aching from a night spent on Dani’s too-soft mattress.

 _God, when did I get this old?_

She sits up, raising her arms overhead. A little water, a couple of stretches, then she’ll sneak back under the sheets, easily return to this moment with Dani as if she’d never left it.

Standing in the kitchen with a glass of water, Jamie takes a moment to think. It doesn’t seem real. Being with Dani was everything she’d been dreaming of — more, even.

 _I love you,_ Jamie thinks. _She said I love you._

The pessimist in her wants to dismiss it. She learned a long time ago not to trust what anyone says in moments of passion like the one they’d been engaged in when those words left Dani’s mouth. Or maybe she’d misheard, or imagined it. Crazier things have happened.

But her hopes are boundless. In the morning light, anything seems possible.

Her glass is half empty — or maybe half full, given her newfound attitude — when she notices it: the answering machine light is blinking red.

Jamie’s eyes widen.

Shit.

The call. She’d forgotten about it entirely. With shaky hands, she presses the button on the answering machine, praying to hear anyone’s voice but —

“Peter Quint here. Henry would like to meet you tomorrow morning at 9. The office address is…”

Jamie scrambles to write it down on the notepad they keep next to the phone. Nine o’clock is less than a half hour away, and Henry’s office is just as far.

“Fuck,” Jamie whispers. She glances at Dani’s bedroom door, still closed and containing a sleeping Dani. “Shit.”

She runs into her room, throwing open her drawers as quietly as she can in search of something semi-appropriate to wear. Jamie isn’t a businessperson — hasn’t had a meeting of this magnitude in her life. What does she _wear?_

She manages to find an outfit in under five minutes. It’s probably not anywhere near nice enough for the likes of Henry Wingrave, but it’ll have to do.

She starts the hunt for her wallet. She knows she left if around the flat somewhere, just can’t remember exactly where after everything that happened last night.

She’s digging through her coat pockets when she hears Dani’s voice. “Morning.”

Jamie’s head snaps up, finding Dani in the doorway to her bedroom. She’s thrown on a tee-shirt and a pair of underwear, but is otherwise just as Jamie left her, hair messy, legs bare.

“Hi,” Jamie says, pausing her search to look at Dani. She swallows, not allowing her eyes to linger. “I was going to leave you a note.”

Dani’s brow pinches. “A note?” There’s a sadness to her voice that Jamie isn’t expecting, and she rushes to explain.

“Peter called — left a message last night. Must’ve missed it,” Jamie says, face flushing at the memory of _why_ she might’ve missed such a call. She remembers she’s not wearing shoes, and starts to look for them. “Said Henry wants to meet me this morning. In thirty minutes. Downtown.”

She finds her shoes under the couch, carelessly discarded at some point the night before, and sits to pull them on.

“Downtown in thirty minutes? But that’s —“

Jamie pops up off the couch. “Impossible, I know. I have to run.”

“Of course, yeah, you have to go,” Dani says. “You’ll — you’ll be back though, right?”

Dani’s meaning hangs in the air: we’ll talk about this, won’t we?

Jamie has so much she needs to say to Dani, so much she needs to hear from her — just not now, not this moment. She looks over her shoulder at Dani as she heads for the door.

“I’ll be back in no time, Poppins.” Jamie can see the relief in Dani’s smile, feel the tension in her shoulders relax. “Oh, and Owen wanted us to come out to the restaurant tonight to celebrate. You up for it?”

Dani nods. “Yeah, sounds good. I’ll see you in a bit then?”

The space between them seems suddenly too large, and Jamie would love to cross it and wrap her arms around Dani one more time. But she doesn’t trust herself, knows that if she lets herself touch Dani again that she has no chance of leaving the house this morning.

Instead, she nods, giving Dani her fondest smile. “See you soon.”

And with that, she’s out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter left! And an epilogue that I may post as a separate chapter, so if you see the chapter count go up by one don't get too excited, it's just gonna be a little thing :)
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who has read, kudos-ed, and left a comment or otherwise reached out. I haven't written fan fiction in a long time and getting back into it, especially getting involved in this fandom has been so wonderful. 
> 
> If you'd like to talk to me on tumblr I'm [ justawhitewall.](https://justawhitewall.tumblr.com) In the meantime, I'll be working on the final chapter and getting a head start on my next project for after this is complete. Thank you!!!


	10. Chapter 10

It turns out that starting a business is an all-day affair.

They begin at Henry’s office. There’s entirely too much polite conversation and small talk to be had there for Jamie’s taste, especially when she’s buzzing with this much energy.Jamie’s glad when they move past all of that, but once they do they get into the weeds. There’s a lot to discuss, and Henry is eager to get to most of it that day.

He has many questions for her, and she doesn’t have answers to all of them with less than twenty-four hours to prepare. He seems satisfied enough with the ideas she does provide, and has a few good ones of his own. By the end of the conversation, Jamie feels confident enough that this will work out.Henry seems to have the same faith in her.

The landlord shows up around noon with some papers to sign. Jamie’s hand shakes as she holds the pen. It’s a big decision, but one she’s ready to make. She holds her breath as she signs her name.

“Excellent,” Henry says once the keys are in his hands. “Should we go check it out? I’m sure you’re dying to see inside.”

Henry has a town-car with a driver, and insists on taking her across town in it. It’s a surreal experience, being chauffeured, and not one she’s sure she likes.

The flower shop makes it all worth it.

It’s a small thing from the outside. Inside isn’t much better at first glance, a bit dingy, with paint chipping in more than one spot along the walls. But it smells like dirt and must and everything Jamie loves in this world.

She can’t wait to show Dani.

 _Shit, Dani._ Jamie glances down at her watch. It’s two hours past noon, and Dani must be worried about her by now. She saw the nervous excitement in Dani’s eyes this morning.

They have a lot to talk about tonight. Jamie is not sure what she’s going to say, but she knows that last night was a turning point for them.There’s no going back now — not when Dani is the only person Jamie wants to talk to when her entire world is changing, the only person Jamie wants to share all of this with.

She doesn’t mean to get right to work. But the place is hers — opening as soon as she can get it ready — and there’s so much to do. Most of all, cleaning.

“I wish I could help,” Henry says before he leaves. “But I’m afraid I won’t do much good in this suit, and I have another meeting to get to.”

Peter doesn’t offer any help, but Jamie doesn’t mind. She wouldn’t’ve accepted anything from him either way.

The floors are covered in bits of soil, and mounds of dust are gathering in the corners. She finds a broom in the back room, left by the former owner, and sets about cleaning. All the while, she thinks about Dani.

Jamie has never been good at feelings, especially not talking about them. Even when the feelings themselves aren’t bad ones, she’s never been much of a talker. There were the brief bits of therapy she’d gotten while inside — Tamara, bless her, had gotten pulled Jamie out of a very dark place — but it’s still something she’s far from comfortable with.

But this — this thing with Dani — seems worth the discomfort of laying herself bare. For a chance of being happy with Dani, Jamie is ready to take a leap of faith.

* * *

Jamie isn’t sure how long she’s been at it when she hears the bell above the door ring, signaling someone entering the shop.

“Hello?”

She peeks out from around a corner to find Owen standing in the middle of the room, a large grin plastered on his face.

“You fit right in,” he says. “Need any help?”

“I’m sure you have your own work to do,” Jamie says, but Owen shakes his head.

“Took the day off, but now I’m antsy. Really, I’d love to pitch in.”

She sets him to work with the broom, which looks entirely too small in his massive hands, but he diligently sweeps the floor with it while Jamie looks for salvageable nursery pots in the back room. The owner had clearly been here a long time, and hadn’t taken much with her when she left. Some of the things around this place are older than Jamie, but plenty are still useable.

After another hour or so, Owen waves Jamie over.

“We should probably head out if we want to get to the restaurant in time. I made a reservation.”

“Reservation?” Jamie is confused.

_We're not going to Owen’s restaurant?_

He smiles. “I thought this news deserved something a little fancier than A Batter Place for the occasion. Besides, you’ll be eating there so often you’ll be sick of it in no time.”

“Owen, you didn’t have to —“

But he holds up a hand to stop her. “It’s my pleasure. Though we really should be going.”

* * *

Owen flags down a taxi while Jamie stares up at the storefront, still not entirely able to believe that this is all happening. Her eyes linger on the spot above the door where the old sign still hangs. She’ll have to take care of that once she has a name picked out.

“You know, I’ve been told I’m quite good at naming businesses, if you need any help,” Owen says, as if reading her thoughts.

“Please,” she says with a laugh. “I can’t have your bad puns scaring off my customers.”

“Got one in mind, then?”

Jamie nods, looking up at the empty sign above the door. “I reckon I do.”

* * *

They share a cab back to Jamie and Dani’s apartment. Apparently the restaurant they’re going to is near enough to their place to walk from there, so Owen tags along.

He waits until they’ve started moving before he turns to Jamie. “Not to be nosey — though I am, naturally — but how are things between the two of you? Not going to be stepping in anything tonight, am I?”

Jamie can’t stop the blush from creeping onto her face. There’s no way he _knows,_ right? She wouldn’t be mad at Dani talking to her friend about this, about _them_ , but it’s not like Dani would call Owen first thing the morning after and tell him that they slept together.

She clears her throat. “Good. Better.”

“She didn’t call me up and ask me to get coffee this morning, so I took that as a good sign that she’s less conflicted about it all.”

Jamie can’t help but crack a smile. If Dani’s feelings are in line with Jamie’s at all, she’s probably pretty confused at the moment. Nervous, definitely. Conflicted, hopefully not.

“We’re still sorting stuff out, but… I think it’s looking up.”

“Good,” Owen says. “I’m glad to hear that.”

Something in his soft smile has Jamie actually believing him.

They take the rest of the ride in silence, Jamie lost in thought. She hopes Dani is feeling just as optimistic about their future as she is. Then again, Jamie has a lot more to be optimistic about — Dani had said that she loved her. Even if it was just because of the heat of the moment, it was a good sign.

Jamie hasn’t given Dani nearly as much to hinge her hopes on, and she doesn’t think that’s fair. Dani deserves to feel loved, more than anyone Jamie has ever known.

They really need to talk.

* * *

Dani is waiting in the living room when they get home. Jamie walks in first — Owen is still huffing and puffing behind her from climbing up five flights of stairs, pausing at the landing to catch his breath.

Dani lights up when she sees Jamie. “Oh, good! I was starting to get — Owen?”

Owen stumbles in behind Jamie, clutching his chest dramatically. “Christ, those stairs. I don’t know how you do that every day.”

“Owen’s taking us for a celebratory dinner,” Jamie says.

“Right, yeah, of course,” Dani says, though she clearly had forgotten. “Where to?”

“A friend of mine’s place. You’ll both love it. Mind if I use your phone to call Hannah? I have to tell her she can head out.”

“Next to the fridge,” Dani says, gesturing towards the kitchen.

“Sorry,” Jamie mouths at Dani as Owen walks by, earning her a bright smile from the blonde.

Once they’re alone in the room, a quiet settles over them. Jamie wants more than anything to be near to Dani, and realizes that, for once, there’s nothing stopping her. She crosses the room so they’re standing next to each other, her heartbeat ticking faster and louder the closer she gets to Dani in a sudden burst of nerves.

“So —“ Jamie starts.

“I was —“ Dani says.

They both laugh, and Jamie shakes her head. “No, no, you go first.”

Dani’s smile is soft as she looks at Jamie. She looks like she’s somehow genuinely missed Jamie in the few hours they’ve been apart, which Jamie wouldn’t believe if she didn’t feel the same way herself. “How was everything today?”

It’s a safe question, nothing to do with feelings, and Jamie’s anxieties are happy for the easy start.

“It was wonderful. Completely. I can’t wait to show it to you. I’d tell you all about it, but you should really come see it for yourself.”

“I’m so glad. I, um, I didn’t realize you’d be gone all day,” Dani says, a hint of sadness in her voice as her smile turns down around the edges.

“Me either,” Jamie says. She takes a deep breath, steeling herself. Why is she so nervous? “I was hoping… I know that we have to talk.”

The tension in Dani’s brow falls away to something more relaxed — relief — and Jamie feels a rush of the same at the sight of it. “We really, really do.”

She realizes at once that Dani probably thought Jamie might try to avoid this conversation. Jamie can’t blame her for being worried — it’s not like Jamie doesn’t have a history of backing away from her problems.

If any of their silly rules are going to stick around after this, she’d most like to keep the ones about being honest with each other. If this is going to work…

A thrill runs through her at the very thought.

But she can hear Owen saying goodbye to Hannah in the other room, and knows they don’t have time to do this right now, not when there’s so much to say. It’ll have to keep, and so will her nerves.

“We’ll talk later?” Dani asks, glancing at the kitchen door where Owen will soon appear.

“Of course,” Jamie says. This time, she’s the one who reaches for Dani’s hand, giving it a comforting squeeze. It seems to set Dani at ease — her smile returns, and she looks at Jamie for a long moment before nodding.

“Okay. Yeah, okay, I’m gonna go get dressed. Is that what you’re wearing?”

Jamie looks down at her hastily thrown together outfit from this morning and laughs when she sees she’s covered in dirt. “Think I’m a slob, do you? Need you to tell me that this isn’t appropriate attire for fine dining?”

Dani shrugs. “It was more of a… a gentle suggestion.”

* * *

Dinner is a lot harder to get through that Jamie is expecting.

It’s not that the food isn’t delicious — it’s delectable, in fact. Owen would never leave them astray, she knew that, but even just the appetizers are beyond anything Jamie’s had lately.

The atmosphere is lovely as well. From the white linen tablecloths to the candles to the soft music playing in the background… it’s all so much classier than anywhere Jamie has eaten in all her time in the city, but that’s not what has her on edge.

It starts with a gaze that soon turns into staring. A bite of the lip, a brush of knuckles against her own. By the time their drinks arrive, Dani's hand has settled on her knee, as if it belongs there.

It's an innocent thing, really. Dani’s not moving her fingers, save for the occasional swipe of her thumb against Jamie's leg through the fabric of her trousers. She’s not trailing her fingertips up the seam of Jamie’s pants, not straying at all from her station on Jamie’s kneecap.

It’s a faint touch, gentle, and yet Jamie can feel it throughout her entire body, like it’s the only thing anchoring her to the world. It’s a soft pressure, subtle, and yet Jamie's insides have gone quivery.

When Jamie gets around to taking her first sip of her drink she's already a bit flushed.

“And what about you, Jamie?”

Jamie’s attention is drawn back to the table by Hannah, who is looking at her with a fond gaze. She gets the feeling she’s missing something, and glances at Dani to see if there’s any answer there.

Dani gives her a faint, knowing sort of smile.

She doesn't move her hand.

Jamie has the strangest feeling that she doesn't want to.

“Sorry, what was that?” Jamie says, looking back at the couple sitting across from them.

“Long day?” Hannah asks, and Jamie nods, happy for the excuse. “I asked if you know what you’re going to order. Owen says the mushroom risotto is lovely.”

“You’re underselling it! I said it was out of this world. Really, Jamie, you must try it.”

“Yeah, yeah, sounds good,” Jamie says. She truthfully hadn’t read a word of the menu since they sat down. She needs to pull herself together. “Would you all excuse me a minute?”

A minute alone should be enough. Sixty seconds to calm her beating heart. She just needs a break from Dani’s stare, her distinctly not-wandering hand.

She finds the bathroom heads right for the sink, running her hands under cold water. It reminds her of the last time she was in a bathroom like this one, a few short weeks ago, when Dani had marched in and kissed her.

Like something out of her memory, the door swings open behind her, and she can see Dani in the reflection of the mirror.

"Hey," Dani says, approaching carefully. ”You okay?"

Jamie smiles, hoping to assuage the anxiety on Dani’s face. "All good. Miss me already?”

"You ran off a little quickly. I thought maybe... something was wrong." Dani walks over to Jamie, leaning against the wall next to the line of sinks.

Jamie can't blame her for being worried. Things have been turbulent, and they haven't had a chance to talk about what this all means for them. Jamie would be lying if she said she wasn’t experiencing her own fare share of nerves. But worrying Dani is the last thing she wants to do.

"Nothing is wrong," Jamie says. "Just feeling a little... flustered, I suppose."

“Oh? Why’s that?” Jamie thinks that Dani is messing with her, but the pinched look doesn’t fade from her brow.

“Do you really not know?” Jamie raises her eyebrow, tilts her head to get a better look at Dani, finding only genuine confusion in her frown.

“Know… what?”

Jamie glances at the door before she closes the distance between them in a long step. Dani’s eyes don’t hesitate to fall to Jamie’s mouth, a heavy-lidded gaze.

“What you do to — “

Jamie can barely get the words out before Dani’s lips are against hers.

Jamie smiles into the kiss. She’s never going to get used to this feeling. She loses herself in it, the touch of Dani’s hands — first on her shoulder, then cupping her jaw, finally sliding around the back of her neck to clench in her hair.

It grows more intense by the second, every stolen moment of time growing more desperate. It feels like Jamie’s nerves are on fire, tingling, ready to spark. Her skin is hot, a sharp contrast to the cold porcelain of the sink pressing into her back, and she can feel the flush covering her from head to toe.

She wants to touch, to hold, to feel, everything there is to Dani. Dani curls into the embrace, one of her hands rising to cup the back of Jamie’s head, her lips angling to taste as much of her as possible. It’s a bruising kiss.

Dani tastes like wine, deep and sweet and intoxicating.

It's easy to forget where they are when Dani's making soft noises against her mouth, when Dani's body presses closer and closer with every second.

It’s easy to forget.

That is, until —

“Oh, my.”

It’s Hannah, looking pointedly at the ground. Jamie doesn’t miss the smile she’s trying to hide as she averts her eyes.

“Sorry. I’ll just leave you two to it.”

The door swings closed behind her, leaving Dani and Jamie standing there, staring at each other.

They’ve been here before. Last time, it didn’t end well, and Jamie is almost ready for Dani to bolt out of the room when Dani covers her mouth and lets out a loud laugh.

Jamie joins her after a second, shaking her head.

“I hope she didn’t have to go too bad,” Dani says.

“Should probably let her know that the coast is clear.”

Dani nods, turning to the mirror. She traces the smudged line of her lipstick, and Jamie’s eyes linger on the red smeared against Dani’s skin, the heat from moments ago returning with a vengeance in her stomach. There’s not enough time — or privacy — to deal with that thought now, though, so she averts her eyes while Dani fixes her makeup and hair until it looks as if she hasn’t just been kissed senseless in the bathroom.

When she glances back a minute later, Dani is staring at Jamie through her refection.

“I’m sorry,” Dani says, holding eye contact with her through the mirror.

“For?” Jamie asks.

Dani turns to face her, biting her lip. “Couldn’t wait until we got home.”

Dani’s eyes are dark as she smiles at Jamie, a wicked little grin, and Jamie knows that if they don’t get out of here, now, they’re going to miss their dinner altogether. 

_Later_ , she tells herself. _After you talk._

“Not your fault. Apparently I’m irresistible in a restaurant bathroom,” Jamie says, willing away the heat of the moment.

Dani, thank god, laughs and rolls her eyes at Jamie as she pushes away from the sink.

“C’mon, you dork,” she says, reaching for Jamie’s hand. “Before Hannah thinks we’re doing something _really_ scandalous.”

* * *

The rest of the night goes without a hitch. Dani keeps her hands to herself, which is helpful, and Hannah doesn’t mention anything about what she’d seen in the bathroom— though she does wink at Jamie when no one else is looking.

“Thank you again,” Jamie tells Owen as they stand outside smoking as they wait for a taxi.

“My pleasure,” Owen says. “You’ll be by the store tomorrow?”

Jamie nods. “In the afternoon, probably. Want to show this one around.”

“I can’t wait to see it,” Dani says.

“You’re going to love it. It suits her perfectly,” Owen says, then wrinkles his nose. “Bit too clean, maybe.”

They hug their friends goodnight once Owen manages to waves down a cab, standing in silence as they watch the car pull away, shoulders bumping together.

They wordlessly start their walk home. It took them ten minutes to reach the restaurant earlier with Owen, but their pace now is much more leisurely, content. Jamie can see them both in the reflection of their window every so often, is fascinated by the sight of them together.

Dani’s fingers brush the back of her hand, and Jamie turns to her with a smile. It’s a simple touch, one small enough for only Jamie to notice on the busy city street, but it warms her heart against the brisk wind the whole walk home.

* * *

Jamie spends the rest of the trek thinking of what she’s going to say when they get inside. She knows the gist of it — that she thinks this is worth the risk, that she’s ready to give this a try, be brave — but she’s not sure how to start the conversation.

Her past relationships were never like this. She’s never started something with someone she was already in love with. She’s pretty sure she’s never even _been_ in love before, if the intensity of her feelings for Dani are anything to go by. Dani is different than anyone she’s ever known, and Jamie’s feelings for her are unlike anything she’s ever experienced.

Jamie is unlocking the door when she feels a pair of hands at her hips. A second later, lips brush against the skin just beneath her ear. Jamie chuckles as she leans back against Dani, key forgotten in the door for a moment as she lets Dani kiss her neck.

“Patience,” Jamie chides her, though she makes no move to stop her.

Dani pulls at her hip until she’s turning around, their mouths meeting in a kiss. It’s soft — they’re in the hallway, after all, and anyone could see them here — but Jamie can feel the heat behind it. Jamie’s hand reaches for the doorknob behind her, finding the key and turning it blindly.

They don’t part as they move backwards with an unexpected grace into their apartment. Dani’s hands are on Jamie’s shoulders as soon as the door closes behind them, pushing her jacket away until it falls to the ground. Jamie hears Dani’s follow a second later, and grins at Dani’s eagerness.

But as much as Jamie would like to lose herself in this moment…

“Dani,” she says, breaking off the kiss and holding Dani a few inches away from her. Her breath is lost, and she takes a moment to catch it. They’re standing in the dark, the only source of light the street-lamps shining through the windows in the living room. She tucks a strand of hair behind Dani’s ear, cupping her cheek. “We need to talk.”

“Can it wait?” Dani suggests, then pauses. “Unless — unless you don’t want — “

“No, no, I want…” Jamie glances down at Dani’s lips. “I want to. I just think we should establish a few things first. Get them out in the open before we get… distracted.”

“Okay,” Dani says, though she doesn’t stop leaning in. Jamie’s grip tightens in the fabric of Dani’s shirt as she laughs.

“Seriously, Poppins,” Jamie says. “I, uh — I can’t do this without knowing that this is… that you’re sure, you know?”

The words are an echo of last night, but this time they mean something bigger. She’s not just asking about this moment, but all the ones to come, too.

“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life,” Dani says effortlessly. Jamie breathes out a nerve-filled laugh, unable to believe what she’s hearing, and Dani frowns at the sound. “Really, Jamie.”

There’s something in the way Dani says Jamie’s name that always makes her heart pick up an extra beat, no matter how many times she hears it. This time, it’s spoken like a sigh, soft and full of longing.

“Are you?” Dani asks, drawing Jamie’s attention back to her.

“Am I what?”

“Are you sure?” Dani eyes can’t pick a spot on Jamie’s face to settle on. “About all this. I mean, you’re the one who said I needed to — to — what was it again? Experience the mess?”

“I did say that, didn’t I?” Jamie shakes her head. “Idiot.”

Dani takes a step closer, tucking a strand of hair behind Jamie’s ear. “I’d say you’re mess enough for me.” Her smile is teasing and sweet. Her eyes search Jamie’s for a moment before they drop back down to her lips. “But really. If this isn’t something you want, you have to let me know now, because I —“

It’s Jamie turn to cut her off with a kiss. It’s meant to be a small thing, more of a press of her lips to the corner of Dani’s mouth, a gesture to show what she doesn’t yet have the words or courage to say. It turns into something much more when Dani’s lips shift beneath hers, kissing back harder, more confidently, her fingers curling into the fabric of Jamie’s shirt.

When Jamie breaks the kiss, Dani whimpers.

“Jesus,” Jamie breathes. Dani is already leaning back in for more, and Jamie has to press a hand to her chest to stop her. “I just — when you say you’re sure —“

“I mean it.”

“Right, yeah, but what do you mean exactly? What is it you want?” Jamie’s eyes flit up to Dani’s and hold there. “I think we’ve spent enough time on different pages. I just want to be certain.”

“I want you,” Dani says, and it’s clear she means that in every sense of the word. The heated intensity of her gaze and the nearness of her mouth makes Jamie very aware of how fast her own breathing is becoming. “I want to be with you. I…” Her voice drops to the whisper. “I don’t want to dance around this anymore. You and me, we’re like… We have this connection I’ve never had with anyone else, that I don’t _want_ to have with anyone else.”

Dani’s always had a habit of saying things that throw Jamie’s world off its axis —

 _You’re different from anyone I’ve ever met. I just want you. I’ve never felt this way before. I just don’t know what my life would be like if I had never met you. Tell me you need me like I need you. I love you._

— but this time it’s different, in a way that leaves Jamie without words.

“You want that too?” Dani asks.

Jamie nods. In an instant Dani’s hands are tangled in Jamie’s hair, and Jamie’s own fingers have slid up to curl around the base of Dani’s neck. Their mouths move together in a way that makes Jamie think of water, of currents and tides sweeping them out to sea.

They can work out the details later. The way Dani responds to her, to even the smallest touch, settles Jamie more than a thousand words.

They break apart, but not for long. There is a whispered, almost inaudible note of complaint, and Jamie smiles as she strokes her thumb alongside Dani’s lower lip.

“Let me —" Jamie starts. "I should tell you –"

“I don’t need you to say anything right now,” Dani says. “I just — I want you."

Before she knows it, they are pressed together in another kiss, this one less tender and more desperate. They cling to each other, fingers tangled in each other’s hair and clothing, mouths desperate against each other's.

Dani kiss grows more insistent by the second, and Jamie decides to pay attention to what’s going on in her own head later, because she’d really rather not miss this. She wraps her arms around Dani, holding on tight while Dani’s hands run up and down her back. This kiss — different enough from the others that it feels like it deserves a name of its own— eases into a full-body hunger, Dani’s fingers digging into Jamie’s skin as she struggles to draw Jamie closer.

Her lingering thoughts and doubts fly away when Dani pushes her backwards, guides her until her back is pressed against the wall between their bedrooms.

Last night, Dani was learning. Tonight, she's confident. Her leg urges Jamie’s apart, her hands catching against Jamie's hipbones to bring her closer, and she buries her face in the space between Jamie's neck and shoulder.

Jamie barely has time to catch the groan from her throat before Dani slides an arm around her waist, pulling her flush against her.

“God,” Dani murmurs. “You feel… God, Jamie, I want —“

Dani’s words break off into a fit of frustrated kisses against her skin as she begins to tug at the buttons of Jamie's shirt.

"What do you need?" Jamie asks, resting her head against the wall so she can look at her.

"You,” Dani says, pressing another kiss to Jamie’s jaw. Jamie breathes out a shuddering breath when Dani’s hand slides against her bare torso. "Your room or mine?"

Jamie pushes off the wall instead of answering, dragging Dani by the hand into her bedroom.

It's been less than a full day since they first did this, but their movements already feel practiced. Dani holds her and touches her like she’s memorizing the way Jamie feels, her lips and hands lighting fire over Jamie's skin. What once was a hesitance and uncertainty in Dani's eyes has deepened with desire, her pupils blown wide and hazy with it.

This time there's no shyness as they shed their clothes, no awkward fumbling as they find their way to Jamie's bed. By the time they're naked, they're both breathless. Jamie’s own hunger for her wells up, a familiar ache that's felt like a stranger for far too long.

Dani’s kisses are impatient but deliberate as she urges Jamie onto the bed, hands on her shoulders as she guides her to the pillows.

Jamie tries to breathe, but her chest tightens when Dani slides a hand between her thighs, and her lips stutter against Dani's as she tries to muffle her moan. Dani kisses the sound away, mouth and hand moving against Jamie in a rhythm that makes Jamie want to dissolve.

She breaks away from the kiss, threads her fingers through Dani's hair and presses her forehead to Dani's, trying to slow the inevitable. She feels the tension in Dani’s shoulders as she resists the urge to push her hips forward, to quicken the pace.

"Jesus, Dani," Jamie says.

"Sorry." Her smile looks far from apologetic. “That okay?”

Jamie presses hot, open mouth kisses to the curve of Dani's shoulder and the softness of her throat, Dani's shiver alone enough to drive Jamie right to the edge. She moves faster, thrusts harder and grinds her hips against Dani’s hand. Dani's hips move in time to her own, pressing against Jamie's thigh in a mirror of each motion. The delicate sounds falling from Dani's lips don't match the intensity of her movements, only further driving Jamie insane.

Their breath starts to come faster, faster. Jamie feels the tremble in Dani’s palm, the hitch in her breaths as she gets closer with each roll of her hips.

She exhales a laugh into Dani's mouth when that same hand slips downward, moving between her legs in a slow, searching caress.

“Dani,” she gasps, and she’s pleading without knowing it.

“I want to try something,” Dani whispers back, just as breathless as Jamie despite Jamie’s hands remaining clenched in the sheets.

Jamie nods fervently. “Anything.”

* * *

They don't break apart for hours. Dani is a quick learner, eager to get better each time their bodies come together. It doesn't take long for Jamie to fall into a rhythm of encouragement and response that they soon seem to move in tandem to.

With each hour that passes their breath comes harder, fingers digging into soft, sweat-slicked skin. Jamie is fascinated by every minute of it. She can't take her eyes off of the way Dani's hips rise to meet hers. Her mouth holds an inch away from Dani’s, breaths mingling between them, and all Jamie can do is watch. The flush in Dani’s cheeks, the way her lips part to let the air escape.

She’s beautiful.

Afterwards, in the exhausted hours where neither can move or speak, the sound of the other’s breathing quiets. Before Jamie knows it, she’s asleep.

* * *

The morning light is at first soft and pale, pushing back the shadows in Jamie's room. It's only as Jamie wakes that the rest of the room comes into focus.

This time there's nothing to distract her from the curve of Dani's back, the splay of her hair against Jamie's pillow. Jamie rolls closer, presses her cheek to Dani's shoulder and closes her eyes, hoping to get just a few more minutes of this feeling. She spends a few minutes here, in the haze between sleep and waking, before Dani shifts beneath her.

Her eyes flutter to see Dani watching her with a soft smile.

“Hi,” Dani whispers.

“Morning,” Jamie says. “Sleep okay?”

“Perfectly. You?”

Jamie kisses Dani’s shoulder. “Besides sleeping next to a tornado, yeah. Anyone ever tell you you're a kicker?"

Dani's eyes widen. "Really?"

Jamie laughs. Dani is too easy to tease sometimes. "No, Poppins. You're an angel."

She doesn’t say that she hasn’t slept this well in years, doesn’t want to come on too strong — as if they hadn’t spent the night in each other’s arms. She can’t say she’s ever slept better in her entire life, in fact, because it wouldn’t be true.

“I don’t want to move,” Jamie says, burying her face into Dani’s hair.

“Any reason you have to?” Dani asks, a hint of a playful lilt to her voice.

Jamie pulls her closer. “Not even one.”

They lay there in silence for a few minutes. Jamie feels sleep pulling her back in, nestled in the crook of Dani’s neck, when Dani says something that almost stops her heart.

“I love you, you know.”

Jamie pulls back to look at her, but Dani’s eyes are closed, face showing not even a hint of distress, like the words are bringing her peace.

“Poppins…”

Her own words fall away, just out of reach. Jamie’s hand finds Dani’s face and pulls her closer, resting their foreheads together as she tries to gather her courage.

Dani opens her eyes, blue locking onto Jamie as she smiles at her. “You don’t have to say it back, but I really… I can’t not say it anymore. And before you ask, I’m sure.”

Jamie can’t help but laugh, an unstoppable joy bubbling from her very being. She wonders how many times she’s asked Dani that question — you sure? —that she’s answering it preemptively now. Dani nuzzles her nose against hers, letting out a breathy laugh that mingles with Jamie’s.

“I love you,” Dani repeats. She leaves a small kiss against the corner of Jamie’s mouth. “I’m in love with you. That’s okay, right?”

“More than okay, it’s — I…“ Jamie’s words catch in her throat. Dani _loves her._ The thought alone could make her cry. It almost does, until Dani leans back in and kisses her again, a long press of her lips that restarts Jamie’s heart.

“It’s okay, you really don’t have to. I just wanted you to know.”

Dani drops another kiss against Jamie’s shoulder.

“Thank you,” Jamie whispers back.

It’s not that Jamie doesn’t want to say it. She loves Dani — more than she’s ever loved anyone, she knows that. She just hasn’t said those words, definitely hasn’t _meant_ them, since she was a child. She’s barely heard them herself, either.

It wasn’t something her parents said to each other, or whispered to their children before tucking them into bed at night.

What she had when she was a teenager wasn’t love; what she had with Viola was even further from it.

But with Dani…

With Dani Clayton, everything is different.

“You’re my best friend.”

Dani laughs. “More than that, I hope.”

“So much more.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think it’s canon that Jamie takes a long time to say I love you, even when she’s known it for a while. I hope that comes through okay here! 
> 
> There will still be an epilogue, probably a bit longer than I originally was planning, so keep an eye out of that in the coming days. 
> 
> A huge thank you to everyone who has stuck with me through this ridiculous story. I try to respond to comments as often as I can but please know each one means so much to me. 
> 
> Thank you especially to [ Mill](https://archiveofourown.org/users/newcanaan/pseuds/newcanaan) for putting up with me, and to Katina, my best friend and much, much more, who has to listen to me talk about these idiots literally every day. I apologize in advance to both of you for what I’m about to put you through with these next few projects I have planned :)
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! That this has gotten 11,000+ hits is totally unbelievable. If you want to find me on Tumblr, I'm [@justawhitewall ](https://justawhitewall.tumblr.com)


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